Monday, March 29, 2010

Local Man’s Work Addiction Getting In The Way Of His Porn Consumption

By Oggy Bleacher


“I can’t help it,” sobs local bakery manager “Bob”. “I’m only 33 years old. Is it possible I don’t care anymore about legal teen lesbians? God, I hope not.” He hides his face in his hands. “I love my job. I love to bake. Is that so wrong? Is it?”

Bob’s porn consumption has seen a dramatic decrease ever since he was promoted to afternoon manager with the additional responsibilities of hiring and firing afternoon customer service employees.

Bob nearly sobbed as he continued, “Those Viagra email ads that invariably lead to a porn saturated fuck buddy site? You know the ones? Well, lately, I…I’ve just been deleting them without opening them. I used to be so happy when they arrived in my inbox and now I delete five or ten at once. All so I can respond to work related emails faster. Honestly, I need help.”

The owner of the bakery Bob works at is 58 year-old Steven Dullit. “We’re all concerned about Bob’s lack of porn consumption. When I hired him he was probably beating off during his lunch break while watching POV [Point Of View] blowjob videos on his iPhone. The other day, I caught him going over…” Steven shakes his head gravely, “…going over last weeks register receipts during his break. This morning I thought he was looking at Hustler’s Barely Legal until I realized it was a copy of [baking related] Bakers Dozen Magazine. You know, the latest in bagel production. What’s next? Improving the recipe for our Custard Danishes? Christ. We’re all very concerned.”

Several coworkers pitched in and bought Bob a DVD copy of Teen Anal Queens #11 but it remains in the stockroom where he absently placed it on his way to restock the napkin dispenser. Faith, a 19 year old female coworker, noticed the DVD hadn’t been opened. “How does a guy not take this DVD home and stroke his flesh rocket? That seems inconceivable. I thought he was gay but when we bought him a copy of Shaved Twinky Firemen that just ended up in the trash. The fucking trash! I’m telling you that if things don’t change I’m switching jobs. I don’t want to end up a crusty cunt spinster in ten years.”

“Oh, he’s not gay,” assured Bob’s girlfriend Laura Lynn. “In fact, he’s never been more virile in bed. It’s like he’s taken a completely renewed interest in my body and he’s stopped choking me, calling me a filthy slut, and even stopped ejaculating in my face. I can’t say I miss that at all. He even kisses me on the lips. If I didn’t know it better I’d say we were a normal couple, like my parents.”

Laura Lynn brushes her blonde hair away from her face. “I wonder if this is a dream and I’ll wake up one day and he’ll be back to his old habit of asking me to lick his asshole while we watch interracial gangbangs on the living room television, but I don’t see that happening. The other night I asked him to put on an erotic DVD we used to watch that had this sexy bathtub scene, but he couldn’t find it. He had no idea where it was. That’s scary. I swear, lately I feel like my mother.”

Bob admitted that his relationship with Laura Lynn is no longer tainted by the guilt of digital adultery nor the perversions that had crept insidiously into their sex play.

“I ejaculated on her shoes once and made her clean them with her tongue while I violently pulled her hair. That doesn’t sound remotely erotic to me now. It sort of sounds…what’s the word? Demeaning? I don’t know. Something just died in me, I guess. My friends tell me about nubile porn sensations but I’ve got no interest in looking them up. In fact, the other day I deleted all those downloaded video clips that were filling up my hard drive. So I’d have more space for vacation pictures of Laura and me. That’s something I can’t even tell my friends. Then I took Laura Lynn out to dinner. We’re talking about getting a dog. Can you believe it? I feel like I let Jenna Jameson down. If she reads this, I’m sorry. I just can’t pretend anymore. Please forgive me.”


Anonymous said...

How do you think this stuff up? Nice twist on a national problem - where will it stop? My god, think of it - people actually paying attention to their work instead of porn - this can't go on. Get the Tea Party people to adopt this as a just cause - "Less Work and Government - More Porn!!!

Oggy Bleacher said...

It's all influenced by The Onion. This one came together nicely and it's one of the first spoofs I wrote that I think is as good or better than The Onion content. And because I wrote it as fast as I can type I'd say I'm ready for prime time.

Doing a little research for this I read a funny quote, "Porn is defined as anything that you immediately lose interest in after masturbating."
How funny is that?

ed said...

is this about me?

Oggy Bleacher said...

I'm just trying to be funny.

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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.