Friday, October 22, 2010

Bob Guccione RIP

I want to pay tribute to Bob Guccione, the founder of Penthouse. I mean, here was a guy who figured out that men will pay to see naked women. That's right. He figured that all on his own. My first bit of pornography was probably a playboy on the rack of a truck shop where I was giving blow jobs to make ends meet. I thought, "Wait a second... this is something new." I would never again have to hoard the underwear section of the Sears catalog.

And then it was writing porn stories "pillow talk" for a few erotic mags and getting screwed (excuse the pun) out of my pay. I gave them the best years of my life and all my stories ended up getting stolen like A Kurt Vonnegut character and turned into major motion pictures. But what is a little guy like me going to do? Nothing.

Now, the era of Internet pornography such as the one embedded on this page has begun and Penthouse is basically a porn production company also selling thongs and dildos that are shipped from China in huge tankers full of illegal immigrants suffocating in the dank bowels with rats and vats of soymilk.

Well, my balls ache after wanking off and I want to tip my cap with my slimy fingers and give a nod to Bob The Pornographer. Playboy was classy (before the boob job/tattoo era began) but if you wanted teasing threesomes and open mouthed teenage girls pretending to be in the thralls of ecstasy because their "lawyer" has torn their blouse off them in front of a sexy 36D "judge" and a shocked "jury" of cheerleaders...then you needed to visit Penthouse...or High Society...or Jugs...or Barely Legal...or Hustler...or about fifty other magazines that I stole from the printing company I worked at in Junior High tearing covers off books and putting sunday comic inserts in newspapers. Many of those mags were Penthouse and the sex letters and advice about hand jobs were invaluable and my prostate has enjoyed countless explosives throbs with and without the help of another person...and I guess I owe it all to a man who exploited as many girls as he could. God bless him. Teen pussy never gets old!
incidentally, that locker room set is at Entertainium in L.A. where we attempted to open a production design studio but were thwarted by porn stars and crystal meth. If those walls could talk they would go, "blblblbblblblblblblaahagmalllbblbl..." and trail off into hysteria.

In more serious news anyone who cares about anything ought to read Matt Taibbi's article on the wholesale auction of America to billionaire oil sheiks that my father likes to call "Muslims" because they live in a country with a Koran. Yeah, they're real devout. There must be some hidden speech from Muhammad where he recommends leasing parking meters in Chicago and using the money to fly American porn stars to Abu Dhabi for orgies in the sand. "Don't forget to paint your Rolls Royce with 24K gold," said the last prophet...
Anyway, Taibbi is the best pop-political journalist since Hunter Thompson but Vollmann still smokes him in the writing department. He does a lot of hard work so you don't have to and from reading him and Naomi Klein and Ralph Nader and Lester Brown it's fairly obvious that some powerful and villainous folks have been running the United States while 300 million people argued about nonsense. But, like Nader says, go ahead and update your Facebook no attention to the man behind the curtain.

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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.