Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Your Mother...

30 years ago Eddie Murphy released an album and somehow I ended up with it along with Glass Houses by Billy Joel and John Denver's greatest hits. The material is totally perfect for a 12 year old boy. PERFECT.
Track one, for instance, is titled "Faggots"
To put that year in perspective, I thought the world began and ended with the 5th place Boston Red Sox, I didn't go to church, my brother played Dungeons and Dragons, and my father lived in a perpetual 1966 'Leave it To Beaver' time zone so it was up to Eddie Murphy to teach me about the birds and the bees. I listened to that album all day and night until I could actually recite the thing from start to finish and a buddy named Matt P. who lived on South Street and I would team up and go through whole dialogues.
"I'll see you in my bedroom at midnight."
"Don't wear no underwear."
"Bring the Wesson oil."
We were so gay. (I wonder if Matt was serious.)
This album was my classic schooling...it was my Greek and my Latin all rolled into one incredible stand up routine that announced the genius of Eddie Murphy to the world. In fact, I could trace my predilection for entertaining to this album. Getting laughs was something I could do better than English or Math or Science. I was doing it with Eddie Murphy's material but since Matt and I were the only ones who owned the album it was like our material. I want to say that I haven't come too far because I heard a funny mother joke that's probably old to you but it's new to me.

What's the difference between your mother and a drug dealer?
Your mother can wash her crack and sell it again.

har har har. See, the joke is funny because it implies your mom can wash her dirty cunt after men have paid to fuck it and then she can take money for other men to fuck it. hahahah See? And the crack dealer can only sell his crack once because the junkie will smoke it and it's gone. Your mom's pussy gets more mileage than drugs. That's why the joke is funny.
harh har har.
Oh, mother jokes got me in so much trouble back in 1982. Some people really didn't think it was funny. A mere 5 years later I remember Bobby saying, "Your mom is fucking jungle bunnies in the rain forest. hahahaha."*
And I responded, "Your mom is a drunk lush who fucks Navy deckhands at the Newington Drive-In. I paid her five dollars for a hand job!"
Then I danced around in circles singing, "Bobby's mom is a ho-bag, Bobby's slutty mom is a ho-bag!"
ho ho ho. Kids will be kids.
We told some good mother jokes in 1982 but that one about the dirty crack didn't occur to us. Here's to another three decades of insulting mothers!
*Speaking of mothers, I don't know where mine was in 1982.
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.