Monday, July 29, 2013

Skelaxin

This is so typical of an Oggy day. I don't know why I try to conform when the world really does everything to repel/repulse me. ALL I WANTED WAS MY TEETH CLEANED! How hard can that be? But actually the trouble all started with the fact that I have insurance. That's when it all fell apart...when I became legitimate in the eyes of the government. See, IT'S SO FUCKED UP. I ACTUALLY CONFORMED TO THE LAW AND NOW IT'S ALL FUCKED UP. I can't win. I can not do anything that turns out normally.

Normally, I'm broke and I have to go to the cheapest grossest dentist who operates out of the bathroom in a 7/11. That's fine. I don't discriminate on Indian dentists. Hebes. Koreans. Bosnians. Syrians. Or Russians. They can clean my teeth. Then I pay them some cash and they shrug when I tell them that my teeth hurt all the time.
"So what, do you have the money to fix them?"
I shrug too, and that's the end of it.

But what happens the instant that the AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE ACT reaches its crooked fingers into my teeth? I will tell you....
I take off from work an hour early to get to my dentist appointment. I'm really kicking myself I even told them I had insurance.
 Fact: Health Care in America is totally crooked.Total flim flam.

This dentist isn't in a 7/11 bathroom but it is between a Little Caesar's pizza place and a drug testing joint. I get there and of course it takes 75 minutes to set my aching ass in a chair so I didn't need to take off from work early...

and then we go through the bite wing x-rays. The lady tries to fit the bite wing slide in my mouth.
"Open wider."
"I'm trying."
"Is that as wide as you can open your mouth?"
"Well," I say casually, "I seem to have dislocated my jaw this last week. hahah. bad timing."
"How much does it hurt?"
"Oh, it's minor. Wait, I'll just force my jaw open."
And I use my hands to open my mouth wider.
"EEEE?"
 My eyes laugh.

Well, that was the first problem. I wasn't lying, for some reason my jaw became dislocated this last week and with therapy of rum and beer and sausage I've recovered a bit.

We get through the xrays. And I sit watching forced television such as I want to vomit, People Magazine in live action...repulsive narcissism like Oggy on crack. I want to take a needle full of Novocaine and inject my brain. I visualize myself pissing on the wide screen television, right on Dr. Phil's face. I laugh until my balls ache. I'm going crazy, I decide. The Russian dentist arrives
"Mr. Bleacher, the hygenist says you have pain in your jaw."
"It's nothing. Look, I'll grin and bear it. I'm a big boy. It's been a year since I last had my teeth cleaned. Let's get this over with."
She frowns and beings to manipulate my jaw. It pops like someone is punching me in the teeth with a steel fist. I grimace and almost piss my pants.

"Mr. Bleacher, I don't think we can do the cleaning with this condition. You could develop TMJ syndrome and end up going to San Antonio to have the jaw reset.

"Aw, Maam, I've got worse problems than my jaw. Please. Forget I mentioned it."
"I'm going to write you a prescription for Skelaxin and 800mg of ibuprofin."

Jesus, I think, that's the exact prescription my grandmother was taking before she died.

"That really won't be necessary."
"And when you've taken them for a week then we'll see if the swelling hasn't gone down. OK?"
"Can't we do the cleaning and I'll...."
"OK, I'll see you in a week..."
"What the hell is Skelaxin?"
"A muscle relaxer."
"But...."
"Bye bye..."

She pets my shoulder and leaves. FUCK!

So I get the prescriptions and wait in the 120 degree heat for them to be filled. They can't tell me how much they will cost until they are filled. They call me. I go to the counter. They hand me two small bags.
Total: $160

"ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY DOLLARS! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

My grocery bill for the week is like $52"

Remember that all I was trying to do today was get my teeth cleaned.

The lady confirms that it's $160. I look at the bottle.

"$160 for 20 pills? That's $8 a pill."
"Yes, Mr. Bleacher?"
"If I pay $8 a pill I want to get a hard on for two days and think I'm Jimi Hendrix. See? I want butterflies to give me blowjobs."
"I...you...uh...." The pharmacist looks at the prescription sheet, clumsily looking for this information.
"Look, I'm not paying that. I don't want them. I got enough problems...I'm not a junkie. I wanted my teeth cleaned."
  I wave my arms around futilely.
 "Why am I standing here now with $160 worth of pills in my hand?"





Then it hit me: I had been Obamafied. I had taken a small step into modern health care and EVERY FUCKING VULTURE IN THE ROOM HAD TRIED TO TAKE A STRIP OF FLESH>

People, I know most everyone in America has had more health care experience than me, so I know this experience will seem totally generic. But please let me inform you THAT THIS IS A CROOKED BUSINESS> This is not a legitimate way of operating. I'm telling you that my jaw has only a minor swelling. I have serious health problems by my jaw is not one of them. But the moment someone saw my insurance they start prescribing the most expensive muscle relaxers on earth...shit that is almost illegal...shit that has reviewers warning that it's "addictive". If this is "a solution" then America is fucked. We're going to criminalize meth but hand out Skelaxin like skittles. Bullshit. I won't do it. I will not take part in this. I'm going back to the 7/11 for a tooth cleaning. YOU ARE A FUCKING DRONE PAWN CUNT IF YOU PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT./

And to top it all off the lead pharmacist comes up with his repulsive pusher attitude and says, "Well if you join our platinum club and ask your dentist to prescribe cyclobenzaprine instead then you can get it for $5."
 I stare holes in his face.
"Really? You're going to peer pressure me into buying your filth?"
"Talk it over with your dentist."
"You're going to upsell your generic poison LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF CUNT?"

It got worse and worse after that. I fled quickly because the H.E.B is the only place in town to buy food. I can't get banned from them like I got banned from Walmart after trying to hide all their gossip magazines in the ammo section.

I'm really pissed about the state of the world.
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.