Thursday, January 7, 2010

Avatar: Revenge of the Ewoks...30 years too late

It's like James Cameron smoked a ton of pot while watching a Firefly marathon...and then he watched Return of the Jedi and...lightbulb..."had a great idea for a movie!"

Why don't we remake the far superior Emerald Forest with some highly transparent language involving "Fighting terror with terror" and "disgusting voodoo tree huggers" (so the idiot audience knows who to root for)...but, most importantly, lets give people what they want and have the tree huggers ultimately become as violent as mineral (unobtanium??) exploiting humans.

Because you see, the alternative, which is a nature loving folk who are at peace with being peaceful, is so far beyond the narrow minded Cameron's philosophical boundaries that it's not even suggested. You'd have to check in with Dr. Suess for something that revolutionary.

Frankly, I was uncomfortable watching marines torn to shreds. Call me crazy. Starship Troopers didn't take itself seriously at all but told a similar story without the shlocky tears. The men were men in that universe. No interspecies fucking was allowed! And the desert fatigues, the cliche General, the stock reversals of loyalty all lack imagination. It was like a highlights real of other bad movies spliced into the nightly news. All that was missing was the Na'vi traitor. Maybe he'll be in the director's cut that George Lucas stole during post production.

But the uplifting message, "even crippled people will one day walk again with the help of a decimated alien (but magical) species." didn't make up for the horrific script. I kept cringing every time I heard the voice over. "This has to be that disgusting cocksucker Paul Haggis," I kept saying. (the theater was empty) No one makes me cringe like Paul Haggis. (Maybe Kevin Smith) But no. Cameron takes all the blame even though I would bet my hemp necklace that Paul Haggis and Cammy sat down for a drink one day and the P.H. virus was spread. Only Haggis would think of something like having a character ask for a cigarette in an oxygen rich environment...because IT SHOWS CHARACTER. Ha ha ha. That's a guy desperate for a solution so he goes back to his Screenwriting 101 notes. Rule#1: It's better to reheat an omelet than crack another egg. You know what shows character? WHEN THE CHARACTERS DON'T ACT LIKE JOHN WAYNE. Unless they are John Wayne. But he's dead. So...make your own character. Or were you out watching soap operas with Paul Haggis during that class?

I'm surprised there wasn't a disclaimer at the end of the movie..."No trees were harmed during the making of this film." You know why? Because no trees WERE USED during the making of this movie. It's all silicon valley imaging software. Cameron manages to make a movie about the importance of nature without using a single bug. Please tell me no one is fooled by him. Please tell me I'm not the only one who noticed that the message could not possibly be one the filmmaker believes in. I've seen commercials on PBS with more heart. I look at the cover of Never Cry Wolf and feel more emotion. You are a fraud James Cameron. You are a complete fraud.

Shit. If you like cartoons based on Ewok adventures then go see Avatar. Otherwise, go plant a tree you dirty hippie.
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.