Sunday, May 12, 2013

President Declares May 13 "Visit Your Neighbor's Basement" Day

"It's come to this," says President



Citing the chilling discovery of a basement dungeon in urban Cleveland, a veritable torture chamber and sex prison maintained for a decade under the noses of an entire city, President Obama has declared May 13th 2013 "Visit Your Neighbor's Basement" Day.

With one swipe of his pen the President hopes to encourage neighbors to actually knock on the doors of their neighbors and visit one another...you know, like a real neighborhood.


"Once upon a time, like in the '70s, sick twisted fucks would have to move to rural areas or build remote forest shacks to hide their kidnapped victims. Those days are apparently over as the safest place to build a torture chamber is now in a crowded neighborhood." The President paused to shake his head at the truth of this utterance. "Because, people, nobody gives a fuck about where they live anymore...no one even knows the name of the person who lives 20 feet away and is raping three kidnap victims every day for the last 10 years...within earshot of hip hop music."

The President slapped his hand on the desk and threw the pen into the press pool.

"So, that's it! You want a government that holds your hand, you want a leader who tells you what you are supposed to do because obviously you [The American Public] are incapable of even the most basic actions of a healthy society, now I'm going to basically force you to visit your neighbor. Hell, there was a time when a serial rapist would have to actually make an effort not to get caught. He might even have a hectic routine of covering his tracks. But now, it's like the easiest thing in the world to do since neighbors prefer to have no contact with one another. Shit, pizza and appliances got delivered to that house weekly!"

Vice President Biden interrupted with this comment, "If you think there's a possibility that your neighbor has kidnapped three women and is holding them captive in a basement dungeon...then it's OK to invade their privacy. This is not something you'll be criticized for later. Definitely snoop around their house. Definitely call the police. Definitely 'Get Medieval' on their ass. Rescue the women, kill the scumbags. We promise to look the other way at your trial." Said Biden with a wink, "You'll be fine. We'll take care of you."

"Just do something," said Obama. "Christ, if visiting your neighbor's basement is more human contact than you can handle then you are fucking pathetic. This one small step might lead to the discovery of other kidnapped victims. It's the least you can do. And if your neighbor is building a bomb or cooking meth, rat the motherfuckers out. And go ahead and carry a handgun if you'll feel safe. Congress just gave you the green light to be as irresponsible as possible with weaponry so do it. I'm just some dumb asshole who thought gun control might slow down the school shootings. But obviously I'm an idiot in that realm." The President's voice trailed off as he muttered something about "that motherfucker" [House Majority Leader] Eric Cantor.

Vowing for  "a return to a time when terrorists and perverts had to hide like dogs in the woods instead of living comfortably in suburbs," Obama continued, "If your motto is, 'It's none of my business," then you belong in Cuba with the rest of the cowering-in-fear-Communists. This is America and it's totally your business what goes on in your neighborhood. I hope making it a law will get that point across, for fuck's sake."
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.