ALYDAR BY A NOSE
by
Oggy Bleacher
ACT ONE
COLD OPENING
EXT. ALLEYWAY WITH STREETLIGHT - NIGHT
(DICEMAN, BOOTS)
DICEMAN AND BOOTS ARE GETTING READY FOR BED BY GATHERING
BLANKETS AND NEWSPAPER AROUND THEIR LEGS.
DICEMAN
Real good meal tonight.
BOOTS
I'm full up.
DICEMAN
Never ate so much turkey. And corn.
You get a piece of that corn?
BOOTS
A piece? Son, I was like a tractor.
Like a corn-eating machine. Corn on
the cob. Corn bread. Corn dumplings.
Corn soup. Corn flakes. All that and
smoked turkey too. Mmmmmm.
DICEMAN
And pie? You get a slice of the apple
pie?
BOOTS
Ate a whole tree. Yes, I did. Real
good pie.
DICEMAN NODS.
DICEMAN
Right. (beat) You didn't get no pie,
did you.
BOOTS
(reluctantly)
No. No pie. Pass me the sports please.
DICEMAN PASSES THE SPORTS PAGES. BOOTS SPREADS THE PAPER OUT
OVER HIS LEGS.
BOOTS (CONT'D)
(happily)
That's what I'm talking about. Love
that Sunday edition.
DICEMAN
And you didn't get no corn.
BOOTS
Not exactly. Technically, no. But I
had some a few years ago.
DICEMAN
And the turkey?
BOOTS
You know. It was gone by the time I
got to the shelter. I like flightless
bird meat too.
DICEMAN
Actually, they didn't have none of
that. I was just saying...
BOOTS
(Sighs) I know. Good night, Diceman.
DICEMAN
Good night, Boots. (beat) But I did
have a cup of noodles. Shrimp flavor.
And the water was real hot.
BOOTS
Nothing beats hot water and noodles.
No, sir.
DICEMAN
Seasoned with imagination...my
favorite.
BOOTS ROLLS OVER AND TAKES A PILE OF PAPER OFF OF DICEMAN.
DICEMAN (CONT'D)
Boots, you're stealing the business
section again!
AS BOOTS BEGINS TO SNORE, WE:
FADE OUT.
END OF COLD OPEN
ACT ONE
SCENE A
INT. LABOR HALL - MORNING (DAY 1)
(ANTHONY, CODE BLUE, GOOSE, CHARLOTTE)
CHARLOTTE IS SITTING AT THE OFFICE DESK. ANTHONY AND CODE
BLUE ARE SITTING DOWN. BIG SIGN: WORK TODAY, PAID TODAY.
ANTHONY
Jordan played in a different time
zone. He don't count.
CODE BLUE
He counts. He counts and you lose. Pay
up.
ANTHONY
Style was different back then. All
them fools cared about was playing
basketball.
GOOSE ENTERS.
ANTHONY (CONT'D)
Goose. Who has the best sneakers,
Jordan or Kobe?
GOOSE
Chuck Taylor. Cheaper. Made in the
U.S. How many kids you know get shot
over a pair of Chuck Taylors?
ANTHONY COUNTS SILENTLY ON HIS FINGERS
ANTHONY
Not even a dozen.
CODE BLUE
(skeptical)
You count kids from my neighborhood?
ANTHONY RECOUNTS ON FINGERS
ANTHONY
Still less than twenty. Twice that got
shot for a pair of Jordans. (beat) The
same pair too.
GOOSE
See? That's a good shoe right there.
And when they wore out you could use
the soles to patch your bike tires.
(beat) Then you could chase down the
kid who shot you.
CODE BLUE
I bet Tony that Jordan's shoes were
better than Kobe's.
GOOSE
What you bet?
CODE BLUE
A taco.
GOOSE
Just a taco?
CODE BLUE
From King Taco.
GOOSE
(rolls eyes)
That come with a bathroom token?
ANTHONY
(proudly)
No need. I broke the lock last week.
CODE BLUE
(angrily)
Why didn't you tell me? I've still
been going in the alley.
GOOSE
(to charlotte)
Any tickets today?
CHARLOTTE
Got a call for two skilled losers.
Anyone interested?
CODE BLUE
How much it pay?
CHARLOTTE
It don't. I was just...
CODE BLUE
Well do I get lunch? If I get lunch
then I'll take it.
ANTHONY
Make sure you get a taco.
CHARLOTTE
(hopefully)
If it paid for a ticket out of town,
would you take it?
ANTHONY
One-way or round trip?
CODE BLUE
She means "Are you willing to travel?"
Like when you worked for the carnival.
ANTHONY
And give up my spot under the bridge
again? No chance. Who would watch my
shopping cart?
CODE BLUE
I'll do it for a taco.
ANTHONY
(throws up arms)
So I'm already out a taco. That's how
they get you. I'm here to get a job
and now I owe you lunch?
(suddenly agitated)
And who says a penguin isn't a bird?
It's got wings, right? But if it can't
fly then it ain't a bird. Who thinks
this stuff up?
GOOSE
Why don't you relax, Anthony? Count
your food stamps again. Or... Hey, you
take your Lithium yet?
ANTHONY
Is it time already?
ANTHONY QUICKLY TAKES A VIAL OF LITHIUM OUT OF HIS JACKET AND
TAKES A PILL. HE BREATHES A SIGH OF RELIEF. CODE BLUE LOOKS
GREEDILY.
ANTHONY (CONT'D)
That was close. Code Blue was starting
to make sense.
CODE BLUE
(in the tone of a grade
school teacher)
Excuse me, if you didn't bring enough
to share then don't bring any at all.
CODE BLUE PUTS HIS HAND OUT. ANTHONY RELUCTANTLY PUTS A PILL
INTO CODE BLUE'S HAND. CODE BLUE EATS IT.
CODE BLUE (CONT'D)
The nurse at the clinic said I was
malnourished. (happily) At least now
I'm getting enough Lithium.
GOOSE
Blue, Lithium isn't a vitamin. (points
to head) It's for mental illnesses.
CODE BLUE
(hesitantly, scared)
Does it cause them or help them?
GOOSE
(slowly)
Helps them.
CODE BLUE
(relieved)
Good. Because I've got those too.
ON GOOSE'S REACTION, WE:
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE B
EXT. STREET SIDEWALK - DAY (DAY 1)
(DICEMAN, BOOTS, ALYDAR)
BOOTS AND DICEMAN ARE PUSHING SHOPPING CARTS. LOOKING INTO
TRASH CANS.
DICEMAN
They don't take out your teeth. It's
something called an altoid.
BOOTS PICKS A BAG OUT OF THE TRASH. LOOKS IN BAG.
BOOTS
Hey, a perfectly good donut. You want
the chocolate half or the powdered
sugar half?
DICEMAN
Don't matter. I'm too tired to eat.
You kept the feral cats up with all
that snoring. Just get them altoids
out and I can sleep.
BOOTS SHAKES HIS HEAD AS HE HANDS DICEMAN HALF A DONUT.
BOOTS
Sounds like something the Government
cooked up so they can implant them
tracking chips in my mouth.
BOOTS TAKES A NEWSPAPER OUT OF TRASH.
BOOTS (CONT'D)
The DOW JONES dropped again. Jesus!
Two days in a row.
DICEMAN
But I can't sleep with all that
racket. Hey, what if we move back
under the highway? At least then the
freight trucks will drown out your
snoring.
BOOTS
I'll get my altoids out before I do
that.
ALYDAR ENTERS.
DICEMAN
(his attitude has no trace of
humility or meekness)
Excuse me, captain? Could you spare a
quarter for a veteran?
ALYDAR
(awkwardly, digs in pocket
for money)
Sure. What war did you fight in?
DICEMAN
(of course)
No war. I'm a veteran of the Eighties.
We're saving up to get his (indicates
Boots) altoids out so he'll stop
snoring.
ALYDAR
(hesitates, confused. Doesn't
take any money from his
pocket)
Don't you mean Adenoids?
DICEMAN
(to Boots)
Man, you've got to have a double
operation.
(to Alydar)
Better give me fifty cents then.
ALYDAR
Sorry, I don't make it a habit giving
money to...street people.
BOOTS
Me neither! Damn street people get all
the good shopping carts. But we're
homeless people so it's alright to
give us money.
ALYDAR
What's the difference?
BOOTS
Well, street people didn't legally
belong in the last place they got
kicked out of. Homeless people did.
ALYDAR
I don't get it.
DICEMAN
That's not surprising. It's like...
are you a Lakers fan or a Clippers
fan?
ALYDAR
Lakers.
DICEMAN
Me too. But Boots likes the Clippers.
ALYDAR
That's crazy.
BOOTS
You're crazy!
DICEMAN
Shut up, Boots. You see? You can only
tell the difference between them when
you become one.
ALYDAR REACTS.
ALYDAR
I don't get it.
BOOTS
See, the street isn't our home. It's
just where we live until we find an
abandoned building.
DICEMAN
Right. But street people don't like
abandoned buildings because they think
that's where the "devil" lives.
BOOTS AND DICEMAN NOD TO EACH OTHER AND LAUGH.
DICEMAN (CONT'D)
(hysterical)
Everyone knows the devil lives in a
cave.
ALYDAR
So how long have you been looking for
an abandoned building?
BOOTS
Eleven years.
DICEMAN
Twelve years counting the one you
spent protesting the lack of abandoned
buildings.
BOOTS
A lot of good that did me.
ALYDAR
Let's make a deal: I'll give you fifty
cents in exchange for directions.
BOOTS
(disappointed)
I wish I could do it. But giving
directions constitutes a "service
rendered". That's a dollar minimum.
And if it involves bus or light rail
directions then it's double.
OFF OF ALYDAR'S REACTION:
BOOTS (CONT'D)
Union rules. (beat) Just be thankful
that it's before noon. Evening rates
are higher.
DICEMAN
(ominously)
Much higher.
ALYDAR
Ok. Here's a dollar.
ALYDAR GIVES THE DOLLAR TO BOOTS.
BOOTS
(indicates Diceman)
Each. We have a joint partnership
incorporated in Florida.
OFF OF ALYDAR'S REACTION:
DICEMAN
(scratches head. Nods
nonchalantly)
Better tax shelters.
ALYDAR IS AGITATED BUT GIVES ANOTHER DOLLAR TO DICEMAN. BOOTS
AND DICEMAN POCKET THE MONEY AND BEGIN TO SET UP HOUSE WITH
SHOPPING CARTS AND FOLDING LAWN CHAIRS.
ALYDAR
Satisfied? Now I'm looking for the
Work-A-Day labor hall. It's on
Sepulveda Boulevard. Please tell me
where it is.
DICEMAN AND BOOTS BOTH SIT DOWN OR LEAN AGAINST A BUILDING.
DICEMAN TAKES OUT A TORN CAR SUN REFLECTOR AND USES IT TO TAN
HIS FACE.
ALYDAR (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
BOOTS
By-law 20.3. Paragraph 4. "Five minute
break after every transaction."
ALYDAR REACTS IN SHOCK.
BOOTS (CONT'D)
Those are the rules, sir. If you've
got a grievance then file it with the
union. Diceman, pass the lotion.
DICEMAN PASSES SUN TAN LOTION AS WE:
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE C
INT. LABOR HALL - AFTERNOON (DAY 1)
(ANTHONY, CODE BLUE, TED THE BAPTIST, CODE BLUE, ANTHONY,
ROSCOE, SPORTY, CHARLOTTE, GOOSE)
MEN ARE SITTING IN CHAIRS. GOOSE IS IN BATHROOM.
ANTHONY
(sings a la Black Eyed Peas)
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my stump.
CODE BLUE
Fool! It's "Get you love drunk off my
hump."
ANTHONY
That makes no sense. You can't get
love drunk from a hump.
TED THE BAPTIST ENTERS.
CODE BLUE
Depends on the hump.
TED THE BAPTIST
(signature opening line
selling religion)
What does the lord Jesus and Mikes
Mattress World have in common?
CODE BLUE, ANTHONY
What?
TED THE BAPTIST
(enthusiastically)
Buy now, we'll deliver today, and
you'll sleep like baby Jesus tonight.
CODE BLUE
But I don't need a mattress. Where
would I put it? I live in a station
wagon.
TED THE BAPTIST
Do you need your soul to be saved?
CODE BLUE LOOKS AT ANTHONY
CODE BLUE
I don't know. Do I?
TED THE BAPTIST
Of course you do. How else are you
going to touch the saving hand of
Jesus?
CODE BLUE
Pay him?
TED THE BAPTIST
(rolling with it)
That's right! And do you know what
kind of money Jesus accepts?
CODE BLUE
(hesitant)
Pesos?
TED THE BAPTIST
No! All you do is ask for his
forgiveness.
CODE BLUE
All right...(beat) What did I do
wrong?
TED THE BAPTIST
You sinned.
CODE BLUE
Oh (beat), but what did I do wrong?
TED THE BAPTIST REACTS.
ANTHONY
Give it up, Ted. The closest Blue ever
got to Jesus was the alleyway behind
the Inglewood Methodist Church.
CODE BLUE
(amazed)
That's J.C.'s Crib? Sweet.
ROSCOE ENTERS WITH SPORTY.
ROSCOE
Look who I ran into at the track.
TED THE BAPTIST
Sporty, you promised you wouldn't bet
no more. You swore on the bible.
SPORTY
(dejected)
I swore at the bible. No one's got
luck like mine.
TED THE BAPTIST
The Lord says you make your own luck.
SPORTY
I'd say that too if I could pick a
Trifecta outta my butt.
ROSCOE LAUGHS
TED THE BAPTIST
(to Roscoe)
What were you doing at the track?
ROSCOE
Researching a part in a movie.
CODE BLUE
Which part is that? Part loser or part
ass?
ROSCOE
Neither. I'm gonna make a comeback. I
got a flyer off a telephone pole. Look
for yourself.
HANDS CODE BLUE THE FLYER.
CODE BLUE
(struggles, mispronounces)
F-f-f-fa-mouse dear-ector sex led-ing
man."
ANTHONY
(snatches flyer)
Give me that. During what grade did
you start doing crack?
CODE BLUE
Grade F?
ANTHONY
(reads flyer)
"Famous Director seeks leading man.
Big budget. 18-23 years old. Be a
Hollywood star today." Oh, man.
ROSCOE
(who is 30 years too old for
part)
I'm perfect for it. I'm gonna be a
star again!
ANTHONY
Dude, you were an extra on "The Brady
Bunch".
ROSCOE
(defensive)
I made that series what it was!
(slaps his own behind)
I put the "Bun" in "Bunch". I was
Marsha's boyfriend's older brother's
cousin. That's like family! You can't
take that away from me.
TED THE BAPTIST
That doesn't give you license to enter
a house of sin.
ROSCOE
The Brady's weren't that bad.
TED THE BAPTIST
I mean the track.
ROSCOE
Oh, I went there because my new
monologue is from The Godfather.
Listen:
ROSCOE PUTS ON HIS BEST VITO CORLEONE, WHICH ISN'T TOO GOOD:
ROSCOE (CONT'D)
You found paradise in America, had a
good trade, made a good living. The
police protected you; and there were
courts of law. And you didn't need a
friend of me. But, now you come to me
and you say -- "Don Corleone give me
justice."
CODE BLUE
What does that have to do with the
track?
ROSCOE
(of course)
Well, a horse died in The Godfather.
So...I'm gonna get the part, right?
TED THE BAPTIST
(dubious)
Don't forget to invite me to the
premier.
ROSCOE
Everyone's invited. It feels so good
to be acting again. I'll bet my agent
will be calling any minute.
CODE BLUE
When was the last time you talked to
your agent?
ROSCOE
1975. But he told me not to expect to
hear from him in a while.
(scolding)
If he's not careful I'm gonna shop
around for a new agent.
CODE BLUE
(sarcastic)
That ought to light a fire under his
ass.
ROSCOE
That's what I thought. I just need to
make a few bucks today so I can buy an
audition outfit. Charlotte, any jobs
today?
GOOSE WALKS OUT OF BATHROOM.
CHARLOTTE
Yeah, you can fix the bathroom.
GOOSE
If it wasn't broke before. It's broke
now.
SPORTY
Hasn't the owner fixed the toilet yet?
Jeez.
CHARLOTTE
You know Lupus has better things to do
than spend money on you stiffs.
SPORTY
Man, if I could get a job without a
background check I'd be on my horse
like that.
(snaps fingers)
CHARLOTTE
You worry about keeping your tickets
happy and I'll worry about the...
PHONE RINGS. CHARLOTTE ANSWERS.
CODE BLUE
Maybe I'll make some money today.
ANTHONY
You? I was here first.
CODE BLUE
You slept outsside. That's cheating.
CHARLOTTE
(charmingly)
Work-A-Day Labor Hall. Oh, hello Mr.
Lupus. We were just talking about you.
Of course it was all good.
(shakes head "no")
What can I do for you today? Closed?
What? But we make you plenty of money.
Well that's not our fault. What am I
supposed to do for work?
RESPONDS TO "IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL IT?"
CHARLOTTE (CONT'D)
Yes, that's what I call it. 24 hours?
But...
CHARLOTTE HANGS UP.
SPORTY
What happened?
CHARLOTTE
(slowly)
That was Mr. Lupus. He said we aren't
making him enough money and he wants
to buy a racehorse. So he's going to
sell the business.
ANTHONY
Well, I hope our next boss is nicer.
CHARLOTTE
(stunned)
There isn't going to be a new boss.
The new owner has their own staff.
CODE BLUE
So what does that mean?
SPORTY
It means you're going to be out of
work. For good.
CODE BLUE RAISES HIS ARMS TRIUMPHANTLY
CODE BLUE
(happily)
Finally!
ON THE REACTION OF THE CAST, WE:
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT 1
ACT 2: SCENE E
EXT. STREET SIDEWALK - AFTERNOON (DAY 1)
(DICEMAN, BOOTS, ALYDAR)
DICEMAN AND BOOTS ARE FINISHING UP A SNACK. ALYDAR IS
IMPATIENTLY WAITING FOR THEM.
DICEMAN
Day old pizza, in my opinion, is
better than fresh pizza. I don't know
why. It just is.
BOOTS
I thought that was a burrito.
DICEMAN
No sir, I got that right out of the
Pizza Palace dumpster. Aged to
perfection.
ALYDAR
Are you guys ever going to give me
directions to the labor hall?
DICEMAN
(wipes mouth with sleeve)
Let me ask you something: you appear
to be young and in good health. What
do you want with a job?
ALYDAR
I don't need a job. I already work
over forty hours.
DICEMAN
Forty hours in just one month? Wow.
ALYDAR
Forty hours a week.
DICEMAN CLUTCHES HIS CHEST.
DICEMAN
Boots, did he say forty hours a week?
BOOTS
(fanning Diceman with a
magazine. Shaking his head
gravely)
Young folks don't know what to do with
their youth. It's a shame. Take it
from me, kid, it's better to leave the
work to the Japanese. They're just
better at it.
DICEMAN NODS SOLEMNLY.
ALYDAR
Actually, I'm looking for my father.
BOOTS
(relieved)
Is that all? What's his name?
ALYDAR
I don't know. My mother only knew his
nickname: Sporty.
DICEMAN
The old Hit and Run love affair.
ALYDAR
All I've got is this old picture of
him taken when I was two years old.
ALYDAR SHOWS BOOTS AND DICEMAN A PHOTOGRAPH
DICEMAN
That's Hollywood Park racetrack.
ALYDAR
Yep. He named me after a horse:
Alydar.
BOOTS
Alydar? He came in second place in
three straight races when Affirmed won
the triple crown in '78.
DICEMAN
Well, Lazaro Barrera trained Alydar to
be a loser. Always blame the trainer.
BOOTS
That's not fair. Barrera was an
excellent trainer. The Kentucky Derby
was rigged from the start in '78.
Remember?
DICEMAN
Nuts. Seattle Slew was still in his
prime. He was held back by the
government.
BOOTS
(easily distracted)
That could be debated. However, the
evidence against such an assertion is
threefold...
ALYDAR
Guys?
DICEMAN
(reluctantly looks at photo)
Anyway, he's too big to be a jockey.
Was he a trainer?
ALYDAR
My mother says Hollywood Park built a
whole bleacher section with the money
he lost gambling there. I've been
searching for him for seven years. No
permanent residence. No pay checks. No
job. No family.
DICEMAN
Boots. That sounds like you. The kid
kind of looks like you too.
BOOTS
No. I placed my bets at Santa Anita in
1978. And if I know gamblers, I'd
check the race park first.
ALYDAR
I did. A week ago I met someone who
swears he worked with this guy at the
Work-A-Day labor hall on Sepulveda.
It's the only lead I found.
BOOTS
I'll give you directions if you
promise me one thing.
ALYDAR
What?
BOOTS
Don't work if you don't have to. Those
day labor places are like liquor: Once
you're hooked, you'd done for.
ALYDAR
OK.
ALYDAR APPEARS SAD.
BOOTS
(off Alydar's sad look)
What's wrong? We're gonna find your
daddy.
ALYDAR
I just realized he named me after a
loser.
BOOTS
(correcting)
A loser, with heart.
ALYDAR CHEERS UP. AS BOOTS BEGINS TO POINT HOW TO GET TO THE
LABOR HALL, WE:
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE F
INT. LABOR HALL-EVENING- (DAY 1)
(SPORTY, CODE BLUE, ANTHONY, CHARLOTTE, TED THE BAPTIST,
ALYDAR, GOOSE)
SPORTY IS EXPLAINING SOMETHING TO CODE BLUE AS THE OTHERS
LOOK WORRIED.
SPORTY
That's just the way it is, Blue.
CODE BLUE
So I'm unemployed but I don't get an
unemployment check?
SPORTY
Right. We're temporary workers here.
We don't get any benefits.
CODE BLUE
Then what good is being unemployed?
I'd almost be better off with a job.
SPORTY
That's kind of the idea.
ANTHONY
Man, I can't believe this place is
gonna close down.
(nostalgically)
To think: I applied for a job here
once.
SPORTY
Yep. It'll be sad to see the place go.
Thanks to you, Charlotte, I almost
paid off my bookies.
CHARLOTTE
That Lupus! He ought to be thrown in
jail. Putting good people on the
street so he can buy a racehorse.
CODE BLUE
I wasted so many years here. For what?
God hates me.
TED THE BAPTIST
God doesn't know you exist until you
ask for his forgiveness.
CODE BLUE
(points up)
He should be the one who's sorry. Look
at me.
TED THE BAPTIST
We should pray.
ANTHONY
Good idea! (TO HEAVEN) Please God let
me win the lottery!
TED THE BAPTIST
I mean a prayer for strength.
ANTHONY
(TO HEAVEN) Please God give me the
strength to win the lottery!
TED THE BAPTIST
We need a miracle.
ENTER ALYDAR. EVERYONE LOOKS.
ALYDAR
Hi. I'm looking for a job.
CHARLOTTE
You're a day late and a dollar short.
The place is gonna be sold to buy a
racehorse. We just learned.
ANTHONY
We've been praying. Hasn't worked yet.
TED THE BAPTIST
Excuse me son. I'd like to talk to you
about your soul.
CODE BLUE
He's Ted the Baptist. He's a baptist.
We just call him Ted. I'm Code Blue.
You can call me Code. Or you can call
me Blue.
ALYDAR
OK.
TED THE BAPTIST
Have you accepted the Lord Jesus
Christ as your personal savior?
ALYDAR
Of course.
TED THE BAPTIST
Hallelujah! One less soul for the
devil. One more angel in heaven.
We might all be out of work, but the
Lord's work has been done.
SPORTY
The lord worked us right out of a job,
Ted. It's been nice working with you
all, but I've got a date with the off
track betting booth.
SPORTY MOVES TOWARD THE DOOR. ALYDAR REACTS QUICKLY.
ALYDAR
Wait. You guys are just gonna give up?
EVERYONE NODS.
CODE BLUE
It's hard enough working to get paid.
But if I have to work for the chance
to work then forget it. I'm not doing
something right.
ANTHONY
Brother, you don't do nothing right.
CODE BLUE
That's coming from a guy who counts
freight trucks to fall asleep.
ANTHONY
At least I don't stop my car by
dragging my foot on the pavement.
CODE BLUE
At least I don't own a four-wheel
drive shopping cart.
ANTHONY
(enviously)
They make four-wheel-drive shopping
carts? I'll bet all the street people
snatch 'em up.
ALYDAR
Wait. Don't give up so easily. Maybe
you can convince the owner that you're
making more money than you really are.
Then he'll keep the place open.
GOOSE
That might work. Lupus ain't too
bright. He hired me to shut his fan
off once. Turned out the fan was in
his car.
SPORTY
But what do we do?
ALYDAR
Well, this is a labor hall right? We
just need to get a few jobs and make
them last all day.
CODE BLUE
If this involves working then I'm out.
ALYDAR
It doesn't. You have to do your worst
job ever. You have to stop working.
CODE BLUE
What?
ALYDAR
You have to take a five minute task
and turn it into two hours.
CODE BLUE
How do we do that?
CHARLOTTE
Just do the same thing you always do.
CODE BLUE
That's easy.
SPORTY
I get it. So we stretch all the jobs
out and the hours add up.
ALYDAR
Right. And just to make sure, each one
of you can hire another one of you for
an eight hour job, which we'll turn
into fourteen hours.
ANTHONY
I have to hire Code Blue? No way. He's
worthless.
CODE BLUE
Talk about worthless? You brought a
toothbrush to a fence painting job.
ANTHONY
It had extra stiff bristles.
GOOSE
But we can't pay the tab.
CHARLOTTE
Yeah. If we don't get any money then
we got nothing to show Lupus. He's not
that dumb.
ALYDAR
Does every client pay the same day?
CHARLOTTE
No. They get billed.
ALYDAR
So bill me. Bill Code Blue. Bill Ted.
As long as the owner thinks he's
making a fortune then he'll be happy.
ANTHONY
What happens when I don't pay?
CHARLOTTE
(catching on)
Then you're blacklisted from the
client list. But we buy some time.
Keep our jobs. Hey! It just might
work.
ALYDAR
Exactly. You do the dispatching, maam?
CODE BLUE
She's not a maam. That's Charlotte.
CHARLOTTE
Shut it. I do.
ALYDAR
Call every one one of your past
clients. Drum up enough cows for these
guys to milk.
ANTHONY
(happily)
We get to milk cows!
ANTHONY MIMICS A DAIRY FARMER.
ANTHONY (CONT'D)
Do I get to wear a straw hat?
ALYDAR
And then write up new client paperwork
for everyone here and dispatch a
worker to them for at least a ten hour
assignment.
CHARLOTTE
Got it.
CHARLOTTE GOES TO PHONE AND STARTS CALLING.
ALYDAR
Guys, the most important thing to
remember is: do a bad job. Are you
ready?
CODE BLUE
Does Spam give you gas?
GENERAL SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT FROM CAST.
ALYDAR
Then get to it.
ANTHONY WIPES BACK TEARS.
ALYDAR (CONT'D)
What's wrong?
ANTHONY
My daddy used to tell me to do a bad
job. Just like you.
ALYDAR
(sympathetic)
Awwww.
ANTHONY
(crying harder)
And I don't want to work for Code
Blue!
SPORTY APPROACHES ALYDAR.
SPORTY
I like how you operate, kid. Where did
you pick up that stuff?
ALYDAR
I went to business school. You learn
to think outside the box.
SPORTY
Nice. You got a system like that for
the race track?
ALYDAR
Horse racing?
SPORTY
Yeah. I've got a system but I think it
could use some improvements.
ALYDAR
How long have you been betting horses?
SPORTY
Heh. A long time. How old are you?
ALYDAR
Twenty-eight.
SPORTY
(surprised)
Yeah. As long as you've been alive. So
you were born in Nineteen-...
ALYDAR
...Seventy-Eight.
SPORTY
That was the year. I bet everything I
had on one horse. One stupid horse.
All he had to do was win once. One
time in three chances.
ALYDAR
What happened?
SPORTY
He came in second place all three
times.
(sighs)
His name was...
ALYDAR
Alydar.
SPORTY
(surprised)
Yeah. It was. You must love horses. My
name's Sporty. What's yours?
ALYDAR
(hesitates too late)
AlllllllllllY.
SPORTY
Ali?
ALYDAR
(deer in headlights)
Yeah.
SPORTY
Nice to meet you Ali. Now about that
system.
ALYDAR IS MYSTIFIED BY WHAT HE HAS DONE. HE IS FACING HIS
FATHER BUT CAN'T SAY ANYTHING. ON HIS FACE, WE:
DISSOLVE TO:
END OF ACT 2
ACT 3: SCENE G
MONTAGE OF VARIOUS JOBS GOING WRONG DUE TO THE INTENTIONAL
SCREW-UPS BY THE WORKERS.
SCENE G/A: INT. NEW APARTMENT BUILDING - EVENING
GOOSE IS PAINTING THE FLOOR INSTEAD OF THE WALL. THE SITE
FOREMAN WALKS UP AND EXAMINES THE WALL AND THEN THE FLOOR. HE
GESTURES ANGRILY TO GOOSE. GOOSE PRETENDS TO BE TOTALLY
SURPRISED THAT HE HAS PAINTED THE WRONG SURFACE.
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE G/B:
EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - EVENING
SPORTY IS PUSHING A WHEELBARROW OF DIRT. HE PAUSES AND LOOKS
AROUND. THEN HE DUMPS THE WHEELBARROW ON THE GROOUND
SIDEWAYS. THE FOREMAN PASSES AND SPORTY PUTS THE WHEELBARROW
UPRIGHT THEN GETS ON HIS KNEES AND PICKS UP THE DIRT WITH HIS
HANDS, PUTTING IT INTO THE BARROW SCOOP BY SCOOP. THE FOREMAN
SHAKES HIS HEAD.
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE G/C:
INT. FACTORY ASSEMBLY - NO WINDOWS
TED THE BAPTIST IS STANDING NEXT TO A STOPPED CONVEYOR BELT
AND IS PREACHING TO A CO-WORKER. HE POINTS TO THE HEAVENS AND
THEN MIMICS CHRIST BEING CRUCIFIED. HE POINTS TO THE WORKER.
THE WORKER IS SHOCKED. TED POINTS TO THE BIBLE IN HIS HANDS
AND THEN POINTS ANGRILY TOWARD THE GROUND. THE WORKER SHAKES
HIS HEAD. TED NODS AND POINTS TO THE BIBLE. THE WORKER GETS
ON HIS KNEES AND PRAYS.
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE G/D:
INT. WAREHOUSE - NO WINDOWS
ROSCOE IS USING A POWER DRILL TO ASSEMBLE SOME IKEA STYLE
FURNITURE. HE IS WORKING FAST. PULL BACK TO REVEAL HE HAS
COMBINED THE PIECES FROM THREE DIFFERENT PIECES OF FURNITURE.
A HAT RACK, AN ARMOIRE, AND A KITCHEN CHAIR. THE PIECES DON'T
MATCH. THE BOSS (WEARING A HAT) APPROACHES AND ANGRILY POINTS
AT EACH PIECE IN TURN. ROSCOE SMILES AND SHRUGS.
THEN HE TAKES THE BOSS'S HAT OFF AND PUTS IT ON THE PART THAT
IS THE HAT RACK. HE SMILES AS THE HAT FALLS TO THE GROUND.
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE G/E:
INT. LABOR HALL-EVENING- (DAY 1)
CHARLOTTE IS TALKING WILDLY ON THE PHONE. SHE GESTURES TO THE
PHONE THREATENINGLY. NODS HER HEAD. THEN WRITES SOMETHING
DOWN AND HANDS IT TO ALYDAR. ALYDAR IS BEHIND A PILE OF PAPER
DOING ACCOUNTING ON A CALCULATOR. HE GIVES THE THUMBS-UP TO
CHARLOTTE. IN THE MAIN LOBBY OF THE LABOR HALL CODE BLUE AND
ANTHONY ARE ARGUING ABOUT WHO IS THE BOSS BY PASSING A BROOM
BACK AND FORTH AND POINTING AT EACH OTHER.
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE H
INT. LABOR HALL-MORNING-(DAY 2)
(SPORTY, TED THE BAPTIST, ROSCOE, ANTHONY, CODE BLUE,
ALYDAR, CHARLOTTE)
SPORTY, GOOSE, ROSCOE, AND TED ARE ALL SITTING EXHAUSTED ON
CHAIRS IN THE LOBBY.
SPORTY
I can't believe I dumped dirt back in
the hole we were digging.
TED THE BAPTIST
Don't feel bad. I converted to Islam.
Just to make my boss happy. Lord
forgive me.
ROSCOE
I put the same three pieces of
furniture together for seven hours.
They gave me a cutting
board...(swallows) and I cut it in
half.
SPORTY
At least you can get to that audition.
ROSCOE
Naw. I decided I was going to wait for
a role opposite my favorite actress:
Barbara Streisand!
SPORTY
Aim high.
CODE BLUE AND ANTHONY ENTER. ANTHONY DRAGS HIS FEET.
ANTHONY
(exhausted)
No more. Please. Charlotte! Make him
stop.
CODE BLUE
You already had your ten minute break.
Get back out there and dig.
ANTHONY
I quit. I don't care if I lose my job.
I quit.
SPORTY
Hey, Blue. How long have you had Tony
digging trenches?
CODE BLUE
(looks at clock)
Well, fourteen hours, but I'm gonna
dock him an hour for being lazy.
ANTHONY
Lazy? I rotated your tires, washed
your car, planted a rose garden around
your parking space.
CODE BLUE
But you got sloppy with the sprinkler
system.
ANTHONY
It was the library lawn!
CHARLOTTE AND ALYDAR COME FROM BEHIND THE DESK. THEY STRETCH
AFTER A LONG NIGHT SITTING.
ALYDAR
So how many more hours can I add?
ANTHONY
Fourteen for me.
CODE BLUE
Thirteen. And next time, Charlotte,
send me someone who knows the
difference between a Heirloom rose and
an English Rose.
ALYDAR PLUGS THE NUMBERS INTO THE CALCULATOR.
ALYDAR
(to Code Blue)
How many hours did you work for
Anthony?
ANTHONY
I only got twenty minutes out of him.
He threatened to say I sexually
harassed him.
(meekly)
So I sent him home.
ALYDAR
We'll put down fifteen hours, on top
of all the hours these guys brought
in.
ALYDAR PUNCHES SOME BUTTONS ON THE CALCULATOR. REACTS TO THE
FINAL SUM.
ALYDAR (CONT'D)
As far as the owner knows, we grossed
$175,000 dollars last night.
GUYS REACT WITH SHOUTS OF GLEE.
CHARLOTTE
Yep. And we lost every account.
GUYS REACT WITH SHOUTS OF GLEE.
CHARLOTTE (CONT'D)
Except the Inglewood Mosque. Looks
like they want to hire Ted "El
Muhammad" full time.
CODE BLUE
Why does he get all the good gigs?
ALYDAR
All we can do is hope the owner
changes his mind now that we're
profitable.
SPORTY
With that money, Lupus could buy the
horse easy.
ANTHONY
He could retire! Wouldn't that be
great?
SPORTY
No. We want him to keep us working.
ANTHONY
Is that what this was about? Why
didn't someone tell me?
CHARLOTTE
But he's never going to see that
money. He just doesn't know it.
PHONE RINGS. EVERYONE REACTS TENSELY. CHARLOTTE RETURNS TO
DESK AND ANSWERS IT.
CHARLOTTE (CONT'D)
Good morning, Work-A-Day, Labor hall.
Oh, hello Mr. Lupus. I was just going
to call you with some wonderful news.
We...uh...but...ok.
CHARLOTTE IS STUNNED. SHE PUTS PHONE DOWN AND RETURNS TO THE
GROUP WHO WAIT IN ANTICIPATION.
SPORTY
(of Charlotte's shocked look)
We gave it our best shot, guys. Don't
forget it. I'm proud to have worked
with you all.
ALYDAR SMILES. HE SEEMS READY TO REVEAL HIS SECRET.
ALYDAR
Sporty, I...
CHARLOTTE
(interrupts)
The horse died. He's not closing us
down! We did it!
DELAYED REACTION. THEN CHEERS. THEY ALL CONGRATULATE EACH
OTHER.
ANTHONY
Wait a second. Why am I happy? I hate
working here.
CODE BLUE
Hey, today's street-sweeping day,
right? How would you like to move my
car for me?
ANTHONY
Really?
CODE BLUE
With a little guidance, you could be a
good worker.
ANTHONY
Do you think so? Hey, wait a second.
How much are you going to pay me?
CODE BLUE
Pay? You still owe me an hour from
yesterday.
ANTHONY SHRUGS AND MOVES TOWARD THE DOOR. CODE BLUE FOLLOWS.
CODE BLUE (CONT'D)
And if you're good, I'll let you play
the radio.
SPORTY SHAKES ALYDAR'S HAND.
SPORTY
Congratulation, Ali. What were you
gonna say a second ago?
ALYDAR
Just that...I'm proud to have worked
with you too, Sporty. Maybe I'll stick
around.
SPORTY
Feel free. There are plenty of dead
end jobs to go around. we could use a
good man.
ALYDAR IS HAPPY BUT STILL HIDING HIS SECRET. ALYDAR HAS A
FAMILY LIKE HAS NEVER KNOWN BEFORE. THE MEN NEED HIM. ON HIS
FACE, WE:
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE I
EXT. ALLEYWAY - NIGHT
(DICEMAN, BOOTS)
DICEMAN AND BOOTS ARE SETTLING DOWN TO BED, FIXING BLANKETS
AND NEWSPAPER OVER THEIR LEGS.
DICEMAN
Let's agree to disagree.
BOOTS
Fine. As long as you agree I'm right.
DICEMAN
No. Seattle Slew beats Seabiscuit by
two lengths. I guarantee it. History
doesn't lie.
BOOTS
Different trainers in different eras.
Seabiscuit had better times in worse
conditions, ergo, he was the better
horse.
DICEMAN
Define your terms! 'Better' how? How
can you make such a claim?
BOOTS
I pay attention. Now pass the
entertainment section.
DICEMAN RELUCTANTLY PASSES THE ENTERTAINMENT SECTION. AS HE
DOES SO HE READS A PORTION OF IT.
DICEMAN
Would you look at that. Jennifer Lopez
is getting married again.
BOOTS
She'll never beat Zsa Zsa Gabor's
record.
DICEMAN
I'll bet you two bus tokens she does.
Heck, she might do it this year.
BOOTS
I'll take that bet. And I'll take that
section.
BOOTS TAKES THE SECTION OF NEWSPAPER AND LAYS IT OVER HIS
LEGS.
BOOTS (CONT'D)
That's what I'm talking about. Good
night, Boots.
DICEMAN
Good night, Diceman.
AS BOOTS SNORE WE:
FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Working Class
I guess I lied when I said my TV writing career ended with my Simpson's script. I wrote a pilot for a sitcom I created called Working Class, in which a young man tries to locate his lost father, who is living and working on skid row in Los Angeles. Yeah, the executives at CBS were just rolling on the floor with laughter over that subject. Alas, my Good Times meets Glengarry Glen Ross was not produced. Let me tell you that the 4 years of research into this setting was pure torture. Here it is:
Working class.htm
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
[
bottom
]
[
top
]
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment