Thursday, November 20, 2014

Working Class

I guess I lied when I said my TV writing career ended with my Simpson's script. I wrote a pilot for a sitcom I created called Working Class, in which a young man tries to locate his lost father, who is living and working on skid row in Los Angeles. Yeah, the executives at CBS were just rolling on the floor with laughter over that subject. Alas, my Good Times meets Glengarry Glen Ross was not produced. Let me tell you that the 4 years of research into this setting was pure torture. Here it is:
Working class.htm
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.

[ bottom ]
                                     ALYDAR BY A NOSE
                                            by
                                      Oggy Bleacher
                                         ACT ONE

               COLD OPENING

               EXT. ALLEYWAY WITH STREETLIGHT - NIGHT
                (DICEMAN, BOOTS)

               DICEMAN AND BOOTS ARE GETTING READY FOR BED BY GATHERING
               BLANKETS AND NEWSPAPER AROUND THEIR LEGS.

                                   DICEMAN

                      Real good meal tonight.

                                   BOOTS

                      I'm full up.

                                   DICEMAN

                      Never ate so much turkey. And corn.

                      You get a piece of that corn?

                                   BOOTS

                      A piece? Son, I was like a tractor.

                      Like a corn-eating machine. Corn on

                      the cob. Corn bread. Corn dumplings.

                      Corn soup. Corn flakes. All that and

                      smoked turkey too. Mmmmmm.

                                   DICEMAN

                      And pie? You get a slice of the apple

                      pie?

                                   BOOTS

                      Ate a whole tree. Yes, I did. Real

                      good pie.

               DICEMAN NODS.

                                   DICEMAN

                      Right. (beat) You didn't get no pie,

                      did you.

                                   BOOTS
                          (reluctantly)

                      No. No pie. Pass me the sports please. 

               DICEMAN PASSES THE SPORTS PAGES. BOOTS SPREADS THE PAPER OUT
               OVER HIS LEGS.

                                   BOOTS (CONT'D)
                          (happily)

                      That's what I'm talking about. Love

                      that Sunday edition.

                                   DICEMAN

                      And you didn't get no corn.

                                   BOOTS

                      Not exactly. Technically, no. But I

                      had some a few years ago.

                                   DICEMAN

                      And the turkey?

                                   BOOTS

                      You know. It was gone by the time I

                      got to the shelter. I like flightless

                      bird meat too.

                                   DICEMAN

                      Actually, they didn't have none of

                      that. I was just saying...

                                   BOOTS

                      (Sighs) I know. Good night, Diceman.

                                   DICEMAN

                      Good night, Boots. (beat) But I did

                      have a cup of noodles. Shrimp flavor.

                      And the water was real hot.

                                   BOOTS

                      Nothing beats hot water and noodles.

                      No, sir.

                                   DICEMAN

                      Seasoned with imagination...my

                      favorite.

               BOOTS ROLLS OVER AND TAKES A PILE OF PAPER OFF OF DICEMAN.

                                   DICEMAN (CONT'D)

                      Boots, you're stealing the business

                      section again!

               AS BOOTS BEGINS TO SNORE, WE:

                                                               FADE OUT.

               END OF COLD OPEN
                                       ACT ONE

                                         SCENE A

               INT. LABOR HALL - MORNING (DAY 1)
                (ANTHONY, CODE BLUE, GOOSE, CHARLOTTE)

               CHARLOTTE IS SITTING AT THE OFFICE DESK. ANTHONY AND CODE
               BLUE ARE SITTING DOWN. BIG SIGN: WORK TODAY, PAID TODAY.

                                   ANTHONY

                      Jordan played in a different time

                      zone. He don't count.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      He counts. He counts and you lose. Pay

                      up.

                                   ANTHONY

                      Style was different back then. All

                      them fools cared about was playing

                      basketball.

               GOOSE ENTERS.

                                   ANTHONY (CONT'D)

                      Goose. Who has the best sneakers,

                      Jordan or Kobe?

                                   GOOSE

                      Chuck Taylor. Cheaper. Made in the

                      U.S. How many kids you know get shot

                      over a pair of Chuck Taylors?

               ANTHONY COUNTS SILENTLY ON HIS FINGERS

                                   ANTHONY

                      Not even a dozen.

                                   CODE BLUE
                          (skeptical)

                      You count kids from my neighborhood?

               ANTHONY RECOUNTS ON FINGERS

                                   ANTHONY 

                      Still less than twenty. Twice that got

                      shot for a pair of Jordans. (beat) The

                      same pair too.

                                   GOOSE

                      See? That's a good shoe right there.

                      And when they wore out you could use

                      the soles to patch your bike tires.

                      (beat) Then you could chase down the

                      kid who shot you.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      I bet Tony that Jordan's shoes were

                      better than Kobe's.

                                   GOOSE

                      What you bet?

                                   CODE BLUE

                      A taco.

                                   GOOSE

                      Just a taco?

                                   CODE BLUE

                      From King Taco.

                                   GOOSE
                          (rolls eyes)

                      That come with a bathroom token?

                                   ANTHONY
                          (proudly)

                      No need. I broke the lock last week.

                                   CODE BLUE
                          (angrily)

                      Why didn't you tell me? I've still

                      been going in the alley.

                                   GOOSE
                          (to charlotte)

                      Any tickets today?

                                   CHARLOTTE

                      Got a call for two skilled losers.

                      Anyone interested?

                                   CODE BLUE

                      How much it pay?

                                   CHARLOTTE

                      It don't. I was just...

                                   CODE BLUE

                      Well do I get lunch? If I get lunch

                      then I'll take it.

                                   ANTHONY

                      Make sure you get a taco.

                                   CHARLOTTE
                          (hopefully)

                      If it paid for a ticket out of town,

                      would you take it?

                                   ANTHONY

                      One-way or round trip?

                                   CODE BLUE

                      She means "Are you willing to travel?"

                      Like when you worked for the carnival.

                                   ANTHONY

                      And give up my spot under the bridge

                      again? No chance. Who would watch my

                      shopping cart?

                                   CODE BLUE

                      I'll do it for a taco.

                                   ANTHONY
                          (throws up arms)

                      So I'm already out a taco. That's how

                      they get you. I'm here to get a job

                      and now I owe you lunch?
                          (suddenly agitated)

                      And who says a penguin isn't a bird?

                      It's got wings, right? But if it can't

                      fly then it ain't a bird. Who thinks

                      this stuff up?

                                   GOOSE

                      Why don't you relax, Anthony? Count

                      your food stamps again. Or... Hey, you

                      take your Lithium yet?

                                   ANTHONY

                      Is it time already?

               ANTHONY QUICKLY TAKES A VIAL OF LITHIUM OUT OF HIS JACKET AND
               TAKES A PILL. HE BREATHES A SIGH OF RELIEF. CODE BLUE LOOKS
               GREEDILY.

                                   ANTHONY (CONT'D)

                      That was close. Code Blue was starting

                      to make sense.

                                   CODE BLUE
                          (in the tone of a grade
                           school teacher)

                      Excuse me, if you didn't bring enough

                      to share then don't bring any at all.

               CODE BLUE PUTS HIS HAND OUT. ANTHONY RELUCTANTLY PUTS A PILL
               INTO CODE BLUE'S HAND. CODE BLUE EATS IT.

                                   CODE BLUE (CONT'D)

                      The nurse at the clinic said I was

                      malnourished. (happily) At least now

                      I'm getting enough Lithium.

                                   GOOSE

                      Blue, Lithium isn't a vitamin. (points

                      to head) It's for mental illnesses.

                                   CODE BLUE
                          (hesitantly, scared)

                      Does it cause them or help them?

                                   GOOSE
                          (slowly)

                      Helps them.

                                   CODE BLUE
                          (relieved)

                      Good. Because I've got those too.

               ON GOOSE'S REACTION, WE:

                                                            DISSOLVE TO:
                                       SCENE B

               EXT. STREET SIDEWALK - DAY (DAY 1)
                (DICEMAN, BOOTS, ALYDAR)

               BOOTS AND DICEMAN ARE PUSHING SHOPPING CARTS. LOOKING INTO
               TRASH CANS.

                                   DICEMAN

                      They don't take out your teeth. It's

                      something called an altoid.

               BOOTS PICKS A BAG OUT OF THE TRASH. LOOKS IN BAG.

                                   BOOTS

                      Hey, a perfectly good donut. You want

                      the chocolate half or the powdered

                      sugar half?

                                   DICEMAN

                      Don't matter. I'm too tired to eat.

                      You kept the feral cats up with all

                      that snoring. Just get them altoids

                      out and I can sleep.

               BOOTS SHAKES HIS HEAD AS HE HANDS DICEMAN HALF A DONUT.

                                   BOOTS

                      Sounds like something the Government

                      cooked up so they can implant them

                      tracking chips in my mouth.

               BOOTS TAKES A NEWSPAPER OUT OF TRASH.

                                   BOOTS (CONT'D)

                      The DOW JONES dropped again. Jesus!

                      Two days in a row.

                                   DICEMAN

                      But I can't sleep with all that

                      racket. Hey, what if we move back

                      under the highway? At least then the

                      freight trucks will drown out your

                      snoring.

                                   BOOTS

                      I'll get my altoids out before I do

                      that.

               ALYDAR ENTERS.

                                   DICEMAN
                          (his attitude has no trace of
                           humility or meekness)

                      Excuse me, captain? Could you spare a

                      quarter for a veteran?

                                   ALYDAR
                          (awkwardly, digs in pocket
                           for money)

                      Sure. What war did you fight in?

                                   DICEMAN
                          (of course)

                      No war. I'm a veteran of the Eighties.

                      We're saving up to get his (indicates

                      Boots) altoids out so he'll stop

                      snoring.

                                   ALYDAR
                          (hesitates, confused. Doesn't
                           take any money from his
                           pocket)

                      Don't you mean Adenoids?

                                   DICEMAN
                          (to Boots)

                      Man, you've got to have a double

                      operation.
                          (to Alydar)

                      Better give me fifty cents then.

                                   ALYDAR

                      Sorry, I don't make it a habit giving

                      money to...street people.

                                   BOOTS

                      Me neither! Damn street people get all

                      the good shopping carts. But we're

                      homeless people so it's alright to

                      give us money.

                                   ALYDAR

                      What's the difference?

                                   BOOTS

                      Well, street people didn't legally

                      belong in the last place they got

                      kicked out of. Homeless people did.

                                   ALYDAR

                      I don't get it.

                                   DICEMAN

                      That's not surprising. It's like...

                      are you a Lakers fan or a Clippers

                      fan?

                                   ALYDAR

                      Lakers.

                                   DICEMAN

                      Me too. But Boots likes the Clippers.

                                   ALYDAR

                      That's crazy.

                                   BOOTS

                      You're crazy!

                                   DICEMAN

                      Shut up, Boots. You see? You can only

                      tell the difference between them when

                      you become one.

               ALYDAR REACTS.

                                   ALYDAR

                      I don't get it.

                                   BOOTS 

                      See, the street isn't our home. It's

                      just where we live until we find an

                      abandoned building.

                                   DICEMAN

                      Right. But street people don't like

                      abandoned buildings because they think

                      that's where the "devil" lives.

               BOOTS AND DICEMAN NOD TO EACH OTHER AND LAUGH.

                                   DICEMAN (CONT'D)
                          (hysterical)

                      Everyone knows the devil lives in a

                      cave.

                                   ALYDAR

                      So how long have you been looking for

                      an abandoned building?

                                   BOOTS

                      Eleven years.

                                   DICEMAN

                      Twelve years counting the one you

                      spent protesting the lack of abandoned

                      buildings.

                                   BOOTS

                      A lot of good that did me.

                                   ALYDAR 

                      Let's make a deal: I'll give you fifty

                      cents in exchange for directions.

                                   BOOTS
                          (disappointed)

                      I wish I could do it. But giving

                      directions constitutes a "service

                      rendered". That's a dollar minimum.

                      And if it involves bus or light rail

                      directions then it's double.

               OFF OF ALYDAR'S REACTION:

                                   BOOTS (CONT'D)

                      Union rules. (beat) Just be thankful

                      that it's before noon. Evening rates

                      are higher.

                                   DICEMAN
                          (ominously)

                      Much higher.

                                   ALYDAR

                      Ok. Here's a dollar.

               ALYDAR GIVES THE DOLLAR TO BOOTS.

                                   BOOTS
                          (indicates Diceman)

                      Each. We have a joint partnership

                      incorporated in Florida.

               OFF OF ALYDAR'S REACTION:

                                   DICEMAN
                          (scratches head. Nods
                           nonchalantly)

                      Better tax shelters.

               ALYDAR IS AGITATED BUT GIVES ANOTHER DOLLAR TO DICEMAN. BOOTS
               AND DICEMAN POCKET THE MONEY AND BEGIN TO SET UP HOUSE WITH
               SHOPPING CARTS AND FOLDING LAWN CHAIRS.

                                   ALYDAR

                      Satisfied? Now I'm looking for the

                      Work-A-Day labor hall. It's on

                      Sepulveda Boulevard. Please tell me

                      where it is.

               DICEMAN AND BOOTS BOTH SIT DOWN OR LEAN AGAINST A BUILDING.
               DICEMAN TAKES OUT A TORN CAR SUN REFLECTOR AND USES IT TO TAN
               HIS FACE.

                                   ALYDAR (CONT'D)

                      What are you doing?

                                   BOOTS

                      By-law 20.3. Paragraph 4. "Five minute

                      break after every transaction."

               ALYDAR REACTS IN SHOCK.

                                   BOOTS (CONT'D)

                      Those are the rules, sir. If you've

                      got a grievance then file it with the

                      union. Diceman, pass the lotion.

               DICEMAN PASSES SUN TAN LOTION AS WE:

                                                            DISSOLVE TO:
                                       SCENE C

               INT. LABOR HALL - AFTERNOON (DAY 1)
                (ANTHONY, CODE BLUE, TED THE BAPTIST, CODE BLUE, ANTHONY,
                ROSCOE, SPORTY, CHARLOTTE, GOOSE)

               MEN ARE SITTING IN CHAIRS. GOOSE IS IN BATHROOM.

                                   ANTHONY
                          (sings a la Black Eyed Peas)

                      I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,

                      Get you love drunk off my stump.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      Fool! It's "Get you love drunk off my

                      hump."

                                   ANTHONY

                      That makes no sense. You can't get

                      love drunk from a hump.

               TED THE BAPTIST ENTERS.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      Depends on the hump.

                                   TED THE BAPTIST
                          (signature opening line
                           selling religion)

                      What does the lord Jesus and Mikes

                      Mattress World have in common?   

                                   CODE BLUE, ANTHONY

                      What?

                                   TED THE BAPTIST
                          (enthusiastically)

                      Buy now, we'll deliver today, and

                      you'll sleep like baby Jesus tonight.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      But I don't need a mattress. Where

                      would I put it? I live in a station

                      wagon.

                                   TED THE BAPTIST

                      Do you need your soul to be saved?

               CODE BLUE LOOKS AT ANTHONY

                                   CODE BLUE

                      I don't know. Do I?

                                   TED THE BAPTIST

                      Of course you do. How else are you

                      going to touch the saving hand of

                      Jesus?

                                   CODE BLUE

                      Pay him?

                                   TED THE BAPTIST
                          (rolling with it)

                      That's right! And do you know what

                      kind of money Jesus accepts?

                                   CODE BLUE
                          (hesitant)

                      Pesos?

                                   TED THE BAPTIST

                      No! All you do is ask for his

                      forgiveness.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      All right...(beat) What did I do

                      wrong?

                                   TED THE BAPTIST

                      You sinned.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      Oh (beat), but what did I do wrong?

               TED THE BAPTIST REACTS.

                                   ANTHONY

                      Give it up, Ted. The closest Blue ever

                      got to Jesus was the alleyway behind

                      the Inglewood Methodist Church.

                                   CODE BLUE
                          (amazed)

                      That's J.C.'s Crib? Sweet.

               ROSCOE ENTERS WITH SPORTY.

                                   ROSCOE

                      Look who I ran into at the track.

                                   TED THE BAPTIST

                      Sporty, you promised you wouldn't bet

                      no more. You swore on the bible.

                                   SPORTY
                          (dejected)

                      I swore at the bible. No one's got

                      luck like mine.

                                   TED THE BAPTIST

                      The Lord says you make your own luck.

                                   SPORTY

                      I'd say that too if I could pick a

                      Trifecta outta my butt.

               ROSCOE LAUGHS

                                   TED THE BAPTIST
                          (to Roscoe)

                      What were you doing at the track?

                                   ROSCOE

                      Researching a part in a movie.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      Which part is that? Part loser or part

                      ass?

                                   ROSCOE

                      Neither. I'm gonna make a comeback. I

                      got a flyer off a telephone pole. Look

                      for yourself.

               HANDS CODE BLUE THE FLYER.

                                   CODE BLUE
                          (struggles, mispronounces)

                      F-f-f-fa-mouse dear-ector sex led-ing

                      man."

                                   ANTHONY
                          (snatches flyer)

                      Give me that. During what grade did

                      you start doing crack?

                                   CODE BLUE

                      Grade F?

                                   ANTHONY
                          (reads flyer)

                      "Famous Director seeks leading man.

                      Big budget. 18-23 years old. Be a

                      Hollywood star today." Oh, man.

                                   ROSCOE
                          (who is 30 years too old for
                           part)

                      I'm perfect for it. I'm gonna be a

                      star again!

                                   ANTHONY

                      Dude, you were an extra on "The Brady

                      Bunch".

                                   ROSCOE
                          (defensive)

                      I made that series what it was!
                          (slaps his own behind)

                      I put the "Bun" in "Bunch". I was

                      Marsha's boyfriend's older brother's

                      cousin. That's like family! You can't

                      take that away from me.

                                   TED THE BAPTIST

                      That doesn't give you license to enter

                      a house of sin.

                                   ROSCOE

                      The Brady's weren't that bad.

                                   TED THE BAPTIST

                      I mean the track.

                                   ROSCOE

                      Oh, I went there because my new

                      monologue is from The Godfather.

                      Listen:

               ROSCOE PUTS ON HIS BEST VITO CORLEONE, WHICH ISN'T TOO GOOD:

                                   ROSCOE (CONT'D)

                      You found paradise in America, had a

                      good trade, made a good living. The

                      police protected you; and there were

                      courts of law. And you didn't need a

                      friend of me. But, now you come to me

                      and you say -- "Don Corleone give me

                      justice."

                                   CODE BLUE

                      What does that have to do with the

                      track?

                                   ROSCOE
                          (of course)

                      Well, a horse died in The Godfather.

                      So...I'm gonna get the part, right?

                                   TED THE BAPTIST
                          (dubious)

                      Don't forget to invite me to the

                      premier.

                                   ROSCOE

                      Everyone's invited. It feels so good

                      to be acting again. I'll bet my agent

                      will be calling any minute.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      When was the last time you talked to

                      your agent?

                                   ROSCOE

                      1975. But he told me not to expect to

                      hear from him in a while.
                          (scolding)

                      If he's not careful I'm gonna shop

                      around for a new agent.

                                   CODE BLUE
                          (sarcastic)

                      That ought to light a fire under his

                      ass.

                                   ROSCOE

                      That's what I thought. I just need to

                      make a few bucks today so I can buy an

                      audition outfit. Charlotte, any jobs

                      today?

               GOOSE WALKS OUT OF BATHROOM.

                                   CHARLOTTE

                      Yeah, you can fix the bathroom.

                                   GOOSE

                      If it wasn't broke before. It's broke

                      now.

                                   SPORTY

                      Hasn't the owner fixed the toilet yet?

                      Jeez.

                                   CHARLOTTE

                      You know Lupus has better things to do

                      than spend money on you stiffs.

                                   SPORTY

                      Man, if I could get a job without a

                      background check I'd be on my horse

                      like that.
                          (snaps fingers)

                                   CHARLOTTE 

                      You worry about keeping your tickets

                      happy and I'll worry about the...

               PHONE RINGS. CHARLOTTE ANSWERS.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      Maybe I'll make some money today.

                                   ANTHONY

                      You? I was here first.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      You slept outsside. That's cheating.

                                   CHARLOTTE
                          (charmingly)

                      Work-A-Day Labor Hall. Oh, hello Mr.

                      Lupus. We were just talking about you.

                      Of course it was all good.
                          (shakes head "no")

                      What can I do for you today? Closed?

                      What? But we make you plenty of money.

                      Well that's not our fault. What am I

                      supposed to do for work?

               RESPONDS TO "IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL IT?"

                                   CHARLOTTE (CONT'D)

                      Yes, that's what I call it. 24 hours?

                      But...

               CHARLOTTE HANGS UP.

                                   SPORTY

                      What happened?

                                   CHARLOTTE
                          (slowly)

                      That was Mr. Lupus. He said we aren't

                      making him enough money and he wants

                      to buy a racehorse. So he's going to

                      sell the business.

                                   ANTHONY

                      Well, I hope our next boss is nicer.

                                   CHARLOTTE
                          (stunned)

                      There isn't going to be a new boss.

                      The new owner has their own staff. 

                                   CODE BLUE

                      So what does that mean?

                                   SPORTY

                      It means you're going to be out of

                      work. For good.

               CODE BLUE RAISES HIS ARMS TRIUMPHANTLY

                                   CODE BLUE
                          (happily)

                      Finally!

               ON THE REACTION OF THE CAST, WE:

                                                               FADE OUT.

                                       END OF ACT 1
                                   ACT 2: SCENE E

               EXT. STREET SIDEWALK - AFTERNOON (DAY 1)
                (DICEMAN, BOOTS, ALYDAR)

               DICEMAN AND BOOTS ARE FINISHING UP A SNACK. ALYDAR IS
               IMPATIENTLY WAITING FOR THEM.

                                   DICEMAN

                      Day old pizza, in my opinion, is

                      better than fresh pizza. I don't know

                      why. It just is.

                                   BOOTS

                      I thought that was a burrito. 

                                   DICEMAN

                      No sir, I got that right out of the

                      Pizza Palace dumpster. Aged to

                      perfection.

                                   ALYDAR

                      Are you guys ever going to give me

                      directions to the labor hall?

                                   DICEMAN
                          (wipes mouth with sleeve)

                      Let me ask you something: you appear

                      to be young and in good health. What

                      do you want with a job?

                                   ALYDAR

                      I don't need a job. I already work

                      over forty hours.

                                   DICEMAN

                      Forty hours in just one month? Wow.

                                   ALYDAR

                      Forty hours a week.

               DICEMAN CLUTCHES HIS CHEST.

                                   DICEMAN

                      Boots, did he say forty hours a week?

                                   BOOTS
                          (fanning Diceman with a
                           magazine. Shaking his head
                           gravely)

                      Young folks don't know what to do with

                      their youth. It's a shame. Take it

                      from me, kid, it's better to leave the

                      work to the Japanese. They're just

                      better at it.

               DICEMAN NODS SOLEMNLY.

                                   ALYDAR

                      Actually, I'm looking for my father.

                                   BOOTS
                          (relieved)

                      Is that all? What's his name?

                                   ALYDAR

                      I don't know. My mother only knew his

                      nickname: Sporty.

                                   DICEMAN

                      The old Hit and Run love affair.

                                   ALYDAR

                      All I've got is this old picture of

                      him taken when I was two years old.

               ALYDAR SHOWS BOOTS AND DICEMAN A PHOTOGRAPH

                                   DICEMAN 

                      That's Hollywood Park racetrack.

                                   ALYDAR

                      Yep. He named me after a horse:

                      Alydar.

                                   BOOTS

                      Alydar? He came in second place in

                      three straight races when Affirmed won

                      the triple crown in '78.

                                   DICEMAN

                      Well, Lazaro Barrera trained Alydar to

                      be a loser. Always blame the trainer. 

                                   BOOTS

                      That's not fair. Barrera was an

                      excellent trainer. The Kentucky Derby

                      was rigged from the start in '78.

                      Remember?

                                   DICEMAN

                      Nuts. Seattle Slew was still in his

                      prime. He was held back by the

                      government.

                                   BOOTS
                          (easily distracted)

                      That could be debated. However, the

                      evidence against such an assertion is

                      threefold...

                                   ALYDAR

                      Guys?

                                   DICEMAN
                          (reluctantly looks at photo)

                      Anyway, he's too big to be a jockey.

                      Was he a trainer?

                                   ALYDAR 

                      My mother says Hollywood Park built a

                      whole bleacher section with the money

                      he lost gambling there. I've been

                      searching for him for seven years. No

                      permanent residence. No pay checks. No

                      job. No family.

                                   DICEMAN

                      Boots. That sounds like you. The kid

                      kind of looks like you too.

                                   BOOTS

                      No. I placed my bets at Santa Anita in

                      1978. And if I know gamblers, I'd

                      check the race park first.

                                   ALYDAR

                      I did. A week ago I met someone who

                      swears he worked with this guy at the

                      Work-A-Day labor hall on Sepulveda.

                      It's the only lead I found.

                                   BOOTS

                      I'll give you directions if you

                      promise me one thing.

                                   ALYDAR

                      What?

                                   BOOTS

                      Don't work if you don't have to. Those

                      day labor places are like liquor: Once

                      you're hooked, you'd done for.

                                   ALYDAR

                      OK.

               ALYDAR APPEARS SAD.

                                   BOOTS
                          (off Alydar's sad look)

                      What's wrong? We're gonna find your

                      daddy.

                                   ALYDAR

                      I just realized he named me after a

                      loser.

                                   BOOTS
                          (correcting)

                      A loser, with heart.

               ALYDAR CHEERS UP. AS BOOTS BEGINS TO POINT HOW TO GET TO THE
               LABOR HALL, WE:

                                                            DISSOLVE TO:
                                       SCENE F

               INT. LABOR HALL-EVENING- (DAY 1)
                (SPORTY, CODE BLUE, ANTHONY, CHARLOTTE, TED THE BAPTIST,
                ALYDAR, GOOSE)

               SPORTY IS EXPLAINING SOMETHING TO CODE BLUE AS THE OTHERS
               LOOK WORRIED.

                                   SPORTY

                      That's just the way it is, Blue.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      So I'm unemployed but I don't get an

                      unemployment check?

                                   SPORTY

                      Right. We're temporary workers here.

                      We don't get any benefits.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      Then what good is being unemployed?

                      I'd almost be better off with a job.

                                   SPORTY

                      That's kind of the idea.

                                   ANTHONY

                      Man, I can't believe this place is

                      gonna close down.
                          (nostalgically)

                      To think: I applied for a job here

                      once.

                                   SPORTY

                      Yep. It'll be sad to see the place go.

                      Thanks to you, Charlotte, I almost

                      paid off my bookies.

                                   CHARLOTTE

                      That Lupus! He ought to be thrown in

                      jail. Putting good people on the

                      street so he can buy a racehorse.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      I wasted so many years here. For what?

                      God hates me.

                                   TED THE BAPTIST

                      God doesn't know you exist until you

                      ask for his forgiveness.

                                   CODE BLUE
                          (points up)

                      He should be the one who's sorry. Look

                      at me.

                                   TED THE BAPTIST

                      We should pray.

                                   ANTHONY

                      Good idea! (TO HEAVEN) Please God let

                      me win the lottery!

                                   TED THE BAPTIST

                      I mean a prayer for strength.

                                   ANTHONY

                      (TO HEAVEN) Please God give me the

                      strength to win the lottery!

                                   TED THE BAPTIST

                      We need a miracle.

               ENTER ALYDAR. EVERYONE LOOKS.

                                   ALYDAR

                      Hi. I'm looking for a job.

                                   CHARLOTTE

                      You're a day late and a dollar short.

                      The place is gonna be sold to buy a

                      racehorse. We just learned.

                                   ANTHONY

                      We've been praying. Hasn't worked yet.

                                   TED THE BAPTIST

                      Excuse me son. I'd like to talk to you

                      about your soul.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      He's Ted the Baptist. He's a baptist.

                      We just call him Ted. I'm Code Blue.

                      You can call me Code. Or you can call

                      me Blue.

                                   ALYDAR

                      OK.

                                   TED THE BAPTIST 

                      Have you accepted the Lord Jesus

                      Christ as your personal savior?

                                   ALYDAR

                      Of course.

                                   TED THE BAPTIST

                      Hallelujah! One less soul for the

                      devil. One more angel in heaven.

                      We might all be out of work, but the

                      Lord's work has been done.

                                   SPORTY

                      The lord worked us right out of a job,

                      Ted. It's been nice working with you

                      all, but I've got a date with the off

                      track betting booth.

               SPORTY MOVES TOWARD THE DOOR. ALYDAR REACTS QUICKLY.

                                   ALYDAR

                      Wait. You guys are just gonna give up?

               EVERYONE NODS.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      It's hard enough working to get paid.

                      But if I have to work for the chance

                      to work then forget it. I'm not doing

                      something right.

                                   ANTHONY

                      Brother, you don't do nothing right.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      That's coming from a guy who counts

                      freight trucks to fall asleep.

                                   ANTHONY

                      At least I don't stop my car by

                      dragging my foot on the pavement.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      At least I don't own a four-wheel

                      drive shopping cart. 

                                   ANTHONY
                          (enviously)

                      They make four-wheel-drive shopping

                      carts? I'll bet all the street people

                      snatch 'em up.

                                   ALYDAR

                      Wait. Don't give up so easily. Maybe

                      you can convince the owner that you're

                      making more money than you really are.

                      Then he'll keep the place open.

                                   GOOSE

                      That might work. Lupus ain't too

                      bright. He hired me to shut his fan

                      off once. Turned out the fan was in

                      his car.

                                   SPORTY

                      But what do we do?

                                   ALYDAR

                      Well, this is a labor hall right? We

                      just need to get a few jobs and make

                      them last all day.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      If this involves working then I'm out.

                                   ALYDAR

                      It doesn't. You have to do your worst

                      job ever. You have to stop working. 

                                   CODE BLUE

                      What?

                                   ALYDAR

                      You have to take a five minute task

                      and turn it into two hours.

                                   CODE BLUE 

                      How do we do that?

                                   CHARLOTTE

                      Just do the same thing you always do.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      That's easy.

                                   SPORTY

                      I get it. So we stretch all the jobs

                      out and the hours add up.

                                   ALYDAR

                      Right. And just to make sure, each one

                      of you can hire another one of you for

                      an eight hour job, which we'll turn

                      into fourteen hours.

                                   ANTHONY

                      I have to hire Code Blue? No way. He's

                      worthless.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      Talk about worthless? You brought a

                      toothbrush to a fence painting job.

                                   ANTHONY

                      It had extra stiff bristles.

                                   GOOSE

                      But we can't pay the tab.

                                   CHARLOTTE

                      Yeah. If we don't get any money then

                      we got nothing to show Lupus. He's not

                      that dumb. 

                                   ALYDAR

                      Does every client pay the same day?

                                   CHARLOTTE

                      No. They get billed.

                                   ALYDAR

                      So bill me. Bill Code Blue. Bill Ted.

                      As long as the owner thinks he's

                      making a fortune then he'll be happy.

                                   ANTHONY

                      What happens when I don't pay?

                                   CHARLOTTE
                          (catching on)

                      Then you're blacklisted from the

                      client list. But we buy some time.

                      Keep our jobs. Hey! It just might

                      work.

                                   ALYDAR

                      Exactly. You do the dispatching, maam?

                                   CODE BLUE

                      She's not a maam. That's Charlotte.

                                   CHARLOTTE

                      Shut it. I do.

                                   ALYDAR

                      Call every one one of your past

                      clients. Drum up enough cows for these

                      guys to milk.

                                   ANTHONY
                          (happily)

                      We get to milk cows!

               ANTHONY MIMICS A DAIRY FARMER.

                                   ANTHONY (CONT'D)

                      Do I get to wear a straw hat?

                                   ALYDAR

                      And then write up new client paperwork

                      for everyone here and dispatch a

                      worker to them for at least a ten hour

                      assignment.

                                   CHARLOTTE

                      Got it.

               CHARLOTTE GOES TO PHONE AND STARTS CALLING.

                                   ALYDAR

                      Guys, the most important thing to

                      remember is: do a bad job. Are you

                      ready?

                                   CODE BLUE

                      Does Spam give you gas?

               GENERAL SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT FROM CAST.

                                   ALYDAR

                      Then get to it.

               ANTHONY WIPES BACK TEARS.

                                   ALYDAR (CONT'D)

                      What's wrong?

                                   ANTHONY

                      My daddy used to tell me to do a bad

                      job. Just like you.

                                   ALYDAR
                          (sympathetic)

                      Awwww.

                                   ANTHONY
                          (crying harder)

                      And I don't want to work for Code

                      Blue!

               SPORTY APPROACHES ALYDAR.

                                   SPORTY 

                      I like how you operate, kid. Where did

                      you pick up that stuff?

                                   ALYDAR

                      I went to business school. You learn

                      to think outside the box.

                                   SPORTY

                      Nice. You got a system like that for

                      the race track?

                                   ALYDAR

                      Horse racing?

                                   SPORTY

                      Yeah. I've got a system but I think it

                      could use some improvements.

                                   ALYDAR

                      How long have you been betting horses?

                                   SPORTY

                      Heh. A long time. How old are you?

                                   ALYDAR

                      Twenty-eight.

                                   SPORTY
                          (surprised)

                      Yeah. As long as you've been alive. So

                      you were born in Nineteen-...

                                   ALYDAR

                      ...Seventy-Eight.

                                   SPORTY

                      That was the year. I bet everything I

                      had on one horse. One stupid horse.

                      All he had to do was win once. One

                      time in three chances.

                                   ALYDAR

                      What happened?

                                   SPORTY

                      He came in second place all three

                      times.
                          (sighs)

                      His name was...

                                   ALYDAR

                      Alydar.

                                   SPORTY
                          (surprised)

                      Yeah. It was. You must love horses. My

                      name's Sporty. What's yours?

                                   ALYDAR
                          (hesitates too late)

                      AlllllllllllY.

                                   SPORTY

                      Ali?

                                   ALYDAR
                          (deer in headlights)

                      Yeah.

                                   SPORTY

                      Nice to meet you Ali. Now about that

                      system.

               ALYDAR IS MYSTIFIED BY WHAT HE HAS DONE. HE IS FACING HIS
               FATHER BUT CAN'T SAY ANYTHING. ON HIS FACE, WE:

                                                            DISSOLVE TO:

                                       END OF ACT 2
                                   ACT 3: SCENE G

               MONTAGE OF VARIOUS JOBS GOING WRONG DUE TO THE INTENTIONAL
               SCREW-UPS BY THE WORKERS.

               SCENE G/A: INT. NEW APARTMENT BUILDING - EVENING

               GOOSE IS PAINTING THE FLOOR INSTEAD OF THE WALL. THE SITE
               FOREMAN WALKS UP AND EXAMINES THE WALL AND THEN THE FLOOR. HE
               GESTURES ANGRILY TO GOOSE. GOOSE PRETENDS TO BE TOTALLY
               SURPRISED THAT HE HAS PAINTED THE WRONG SURFACE.

                                                            DISSOLVE TO:

               SCENE G/B: 

               EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - EVENING

               SPORTY IS PUSHING A WHEELBARROW OF DIRT. HE PAUSES AND LOOKS
               AROUND. THEN HE DUMPS THE WHEELBARROW ON THE GROOUND
               SIDEWAYS. THE FOREMAN PASSES AND SPORTY PUTS THE WHEELBARROW
               UPRIGHT THEN GETS ON HIS KNEES AND PICKS UP THE DIRT WITH HIS
               HANDS, PUTTING IT INTO THE BARROW SCOOP BY SCOOP. THE FOREMAN
               SHAKES HIS HEAD.

                                                            DISSOLVE TO:

               SCENE G/C:

               INT. FACTORY ASSEMBLY - NO WINDOWS

               TED THE BAPTIST IS STANDING NEXT TO A STOPPED CONVEYOR BELT
               AND IS PREACHING TO A CO-WORKER. HE POINTS TO THE HEAVENS AND
               THEN MIMICS CHRIST BEING CRUCIFIED. HE POINTS TO THE WORKER.
               THE WORKER IS SHOCKED. TED POINTS TO THE BIBLE IN HIS HANDS
               AND THEN POINTS ANGRILY TOWARD THE GROUND. THE WORKER SHAKES
               HIS HEAD. TED NODS AND POINTS TO THE BIBLE. THE WORKER GETS
               ON HIS KNEES AND PRAYS.

                                                            DISSOLVE TO:

               SCENE G/D:

               INT. WAREHOUSE - NO WINDOWS

               ROSCOE IS USING A POWER DRILL TO ASSEMBLE SOME IKEA STYLE
               FURNITURE. HE IS WORKING FAST. PULL BACK TO REVEAL HE HAS
               COMBINED THE PIECES FROM THREE DIFFERENT PIECES OF FURNITURE.
               A HAT RACK, AN ARMOIRE, AND A KITCHEN CHAIR. THE PIECES DON'T
               MATCH. THE BOSS (WEARING A HAT) APPROACHES AND ANGRILY POINTS
               AT EACH PIECE IN TURN. ROSCOE SMILES AND SHRUGS.
               THEN HE TAKES THE BOSS'S HAT OFF AND PUTS IT ON THE PART THAT
               IS THE HAT RACK. HE SMILES AS THE HAT FALLS TO THE GROUND.

                                                            DISSOLVE TO:

               SCENE G/E:

               INT. LABOR HALL-EVENING- (DAY 1)

               CHARLOTTE IS TALKING WILDLY ON THE PHONE. SHE GESTURES TO THE
               PHONE THREATENINGLY. NODS HER HEAD. THEN WRITES SOMETHING
               DOWN AND HANDS IT TO ALYDAR. ALYDAR IS BEHIND A PILE OF PAPER
               DOING ACCOUNTING ON A CALCULATOR. HE GIVES THE THUMBS-UP TO
               CHARLOTTE. IN THE MAIN LOBBY OF THE LABOR HALL CODE BLUE AND
               ANTHONY ARE ARGUING ABOUT WHO IS THE BOSS BY PASSING A BROOM
               BACK AND FORTH AND POINTING AT EACH OTHER.

                                                            DISSOLVE TO:
                                       SCENE H

               INT. LABOR HALL-MORNING-(DAY 2)
                (SPORTY, TED THE BAPTIST, ROSCOE, ANTHONY, CODE BLUE,
                ALYDAR, CHARLOTTE)

               SPORTY, GOOSE, ROSCOE, AND TED ARE ALL SITTING EXHAUSTED ON
               CHAIRS IN THE LOBBY.

                                   SPORTY

                      I can't believe I dumped dirt back in

                      the hole we were digging.

                                   TED THE BAPTIST

                      Don't feel bad. I converted to Islam.

                      Just to make my boss happy. Lord

                      forgive me.

                                   ROSCOE

                      I put the same three pieces of

                      furniture together for seven hours.

                      They gave me a cutting

                      board...(swallows) and I cut it in

                      half.

                                   SPORTY

                      At least you can get to that audition.

                                   ROSCOE

                      Naw. I decided I was going to wait for

                      a role opposite my favorite actress:

                      Barbara Streisand!

                                   SPORTY

                      Aim high.

               CODE BLUE AND ANTHONY ENTER. ANTHONY DRAGS HIS FEET.

                                   ANTHONY
                          (exhausted)

                      No more. Please. Charlotte! Make him

                      stop.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      You already had your ten minute break.

                      Get back out there and dig.

                                   ANTHONY

                      I quit. I don't care if I lose my job.

                      I quit.

                                   SPORTY

                      Hey, Blue. How long have you had Tony

                      digging trenches?

                                   CODE BLUE
                          (looks at clock)

                      Well, fourteen hours, but I'm gonna

                      dock him an hour for being lazy.

                                   ANTHONY

                      Lazy? I rotated your tires, washed

                      your car, planted a rose garden around

                      your parking space.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      But you got sloppy with the sprinkler

                      system.

                                   ANTHONY

                      It was the library lawn!

               CHARLOTTE AND ALYDAR COME FROM BEHIND THE DESK. THEY STRETCH
               AFTER A LONG NIGHT SITTING.

                                   ALYDAR

                      So how many more hours can I add?

                                   ANTHONY

                      Fourteen for me.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      Thirteen. And next time, Charlotte,

                      send me someone who knows the

                      difference between a Heirloom rose and

                      an English Rose.

               ALYDAR PLUGS THE NUMBERS INTO THE CALCULATOR.

                                   ALYDAR
                          (to Code Blue)

                      How many hours did you work for

                      Anthony?

                                   ANTHONY

                      I only got twenty minutes out of him.

                      He threatened to say I sexually

                      harassed him.
                          (meekly)

                      So I sent him home.

                                   ALYDAR

                      We'll put down fifteen hours, on top

                      of all the hours these guys brought

                      in.

               ALYDAR PUNCHES SOME BUTTONS ON THE CALCULATOR. REACTS TO THE
               FINAL SUM.

                                   ALYDAR (CONT'D)

                      As far as the owner knows, we grossed

                      $175,000 dollars last night.

               GUYS REACT WITH SHOUTS OF GLEE.

                                   CHARLOTTE

                      Yep. And we lost every account.

               GUYS REACT WITH SHOUTS OF GLEE.

                                   CHARLOTTE (CONT'D)

                      Except the Inglewood Mosque. Looks

                      like they want to hire Ted "El

                      Muhammad" full time.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      Why does he get all the good gigs?

                                   ALYDAR

                      All we can do is hope the owner

                      changes his mind now that we're

                      profitable.

                                   SPORTY

                      With that money, Lupus could buy the

                      horse easy.

                                   ANTHONY

                      He could retire! Wouldn't that be

                      great?

                                   SPORTY

                      No. We want him to keep us working.

                                   ANTHONY

                      Is that what this was about? Why

                      didn't someone tell me?

                                   CHARLOTTE

                      But he's never going to see that

                      money. He just doesn't know it.

               PHONE RINGS. EVERYONE REACTS TENSELY. CHARLOTTE RETURNS TO
               DESK AND ANSWERS IT.

                                   CHARLOTTE (CONT'D)

                      Good morning, Work-A-Day, Labor hall.

                      Oh, hello Mr. Lupus. I was just going

                      to call you with some wonderful news.

                      We...uh...but...ok.

               CHARLOTTE IS STUNNED. SHE PUTS PHONE DOWN AND RETURNS TO THE
               GROUP WHO WAIT IN ANTICIPATION.

                                   SPORTY
                          (of Charlotte's shocked look)

                      We gave it our best shot, guys. Don't

                      forget it. I'm proud to have worked

                      with you all.

               ALYDAR SMILES. HE SEEMS READY TO REVEAL HIS SECRET.

                                   ALYDAR

                      Sporty, I...

                                   CHARLOTTE
                          (interrupts)

                      The horse died. He's not closing us

                      down! We did it!

               DELAYED REACTION. THEN CHEERS. THEY ALL CONGRATULATE EACH
               OTHER.

                                   ANTHONY

                      Wait a second. Why am I happy? I hate

                      working here.

                                   CODE BLUE

                      Hey, today's street-sweeping day,

                      right? How would you like to move my

                      car for me?

                                   ANTHONY

                      Really?

                                   CODE BLUE

                      With a little guidance, you could be a

                      good worker.

                                   ANTHONY

                      Do you think so? Hey, wait a second.

                      How much are you going to pay me?

                                   CODE BLUE

                      Pay? You still owe me an hour from

                      yesterday.

               ANTHONY SHRUGS AND MOVES TOWARD THE DOOR. CODE BLUE FOLLOWS.

                                   CODE BLUE (CONT'D)

                      And if you're good, I'll let you play

                      the radio.

               SPORTY SHAKES ALYDAR'S HAND.

                                   SPORTY

                      Congratulation, Ali. What were you

                      gonna say a second ago?

                                   ALYDAR

                      Just that...I'm proud to have worked

                      with you too, Sporty. Maybe I'll stick

                      around.

                                   SPORTY

                      Feel free. There are plenty of dead

                      end jobs to go around. we could use a

                      good man.

               ALYDAR IS HAPPY BUT STILL HIDING HIS SECRET. ALYDAR HAS A
               FAMILY LIKE HAS NEVER KNOWN BEFORE. THE MEN NEED HIM. ON HIS
               FACE, WE:

                                                            DISSOLVE TO:
                                       SCENE I

               EXT. ALLEYWAY - NIGHT
                (DICEMAN, BOOTS)

               DICEMAN AND BOOTS ARE SETTLING DOWN TO BED, FIXING BLANKETS
               AND NEWSPAPER OVER THEIR LEGS.

                                   DICEMAN

                      Let's agree to disagree.

                                   BOOTS

                      Fine. As long as you agree I'm right.

                                   DICEMAN 

                      No. Seattle Slew beats Seabiscuit by

                      two lengths. I guarantee it. History

                      doesn't lie.

                                   BOOTS

                      Different trainers in different eras.

                      Seabiscuit had better times in worse

                      conditions, ergo, he was the better

                      horse.

                                   DICEMAN

                      Define your terms! 'Better' how? How

                      can you make such a claim?

                                   BOOTS

                      I pay attention. Now pass the

                      entertainment section.

               DICEMAN RELUCTANTLY PASSES THE ENTERTAINMENT SECTION. AS HE
               DOES SO HE READS A PORTION OF IT.

                                   DICEMAN

                      Would you look at that. Jennifer Lopez

                      is getting married again.

                                   BOOTS

                      She'll never beat Zsa Zsa Gabor's

                      record.

                                   DICEMAN

                      I'll bet you two bus tokens she does.

                      Heck, she might do it this year.

                                   BOOTS

                      I'll take that bet. And I'll take that

                      section.

               BOOTS TAKES THE SECTION OF NEWSPAPER AND LAYS IT OVER HIS
               LEGS.

                                   BOOTS (CONT'D)

                      That's what I'm talking about. Good

                      night, Boots.

                                   DICEMAN 

                      Good night, Diceman.

               AS BOOTS SNORE WE:

                                                               FADE OUT.

               END OF SHOW
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.