Thursday, August 5, 2010

Mother Euthanised...

After viewing an episode of Kate Plus Eight, a local mother of two had to be euthanized to protect nearby civilians. Her children have been taken into protective custody because, says fish and game warden, Michael Foley, "They may have learned bad habits from their mother."

The Kate Plus Eight reality program on The Learning Channel follows a mega rich woman and her eight children through their days. The mother is often signing books or dancing or crying in a limousine and her children are seen as seldom as their father, a man who has separated from the mother and is suing for custody while chasing teen ass and getting tattoos. The tawdry, petty details of these ten people can only be described as "Terribly, terribly wrong. A bad influence on anyone, ugly, unusual, horrific."

So, when a local mother of two admitted to having watched an episode of the reality program state game officials were forced to euthanize her.

"It's a last resort, but we've seen this before. As soon as a mother gets a taste of the putrid soft scripted poison that is [Kate Plus Eight] then that's the end of her. She'll always be back and back until she's completely devoured by vicarious desire for false fame and hollow accolades. We had to do it."

The governor is defending the move saying, "Kate Plus Eight is unfortunately a despicable program that rots the brain of anyone who watches it. Therefore, regretfully, the woman who saw an episode had to put down. We'll try to boost our public service messages about the dangers of this program in the future. It is basically family pornography that totally and permanently distorts a person's view of reality. To view a single episode, indeed a single moment, renders an average person completely crazy. It is irredeemable. Irresponsible. I would say more about it but I'm already gagging on my own vomit by the hint of a suggestion that I know what the program is about. I pray The Learning Channel cancels this program. Please god! Please cancel it!"

The mother's two children were sequestered in cardboard boxes devoid of stimuli in hopes of turning them back from the edge of insanity.

"The two children were unfortunately in the same room at the time the woman watched the program. And they can understand English so it's likely they caught some of the incredibly selfish and pitiful comments from the principal characters. The kids might recover to a pre-Kate Plus Eight emotional level but more than likely they will have to be put in a zoo since all instincts will have been obliterated." Added the official, "Thanks to that damn shitty program."

In other news a man was found with forks in his eyes after he watched a Full House marathon. Neighbors are calling it a mercy killing.

scorpion king

I talk about the future but the future never arrives. It's always today and the people of today don't know what happened yesterday and don't care about tomorrow. Kids born today will have to read in history books about a time when edible seafood was caught in the Gulf of Mexico. And they will not mourn our carelessness any more than we miss a spilled beer from 1993. The damage has been done. Does anyone miss the Buffalo? Or the gray wolf? No, because we never had them to begin with. Not us. Maybe some guy 200 years ago would care if he lived for 200 years. But stuff changes so little in 100 years that every generation finds a way to fit in, finds a way to accept the latest extinct species. Even old curmudgeons like me eventually fit in to their cabin in the woods. Coercive media has terrorized this country into submission like Nazi propaganda tactics obliterating any common sense. Walmart is the new Catholic Church. Amen.

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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.