Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Naughty fun??

Email I received:
From: Rae;Bradfordgodfather2109@att.com
Date: Tue, May 17, 2011 at 6:29 AM
To: constantjerkoff@gmail.com


My Response:
m7TFIl18Dear Rae, your invitation for naughty fun comes at a bad time. See, the world is ending on the 21st and I need to pack my bags for the rapture. Also, even if the world doesn't end I will not be continuing this relationship. I feel that we are not right for each other. By that I mean you are a dirty skank and I don't date dirty skanks. Sorry. That's just how I feel. It wasn't written in the stars, my dear. Keep trying, sweetheart. I'm sure there are lots of guys who will watch you on your webcam.
You write, "I can't wait for u to see me." And I must tell you that I find that remark totally baffling. Are you that narcissistic? Like, the very act of being looked at makes you breathless with anticipation. I'm appalled. Also, you say that you "mistakenly put your preference for the over 30 age group." How should I interpret this clerical error? I am over 30. Are you repulsed by me because of my age? If so, then didn't my friend mention that I am a hoary 40 years old? It makes no sense. You don't mention your age but judging by your typing and grammar skills I would say about 11. That puts you in the Justin Beiber fan club and I want nothing to do with you.
Ethically, you should have a long talk with a minister because if you think having casual sex with a married man is "not ruining a relationship" simply because you "keep a secret" then you have some things to learn. WHO THE FUCK RAISED YOU? What kind of predatory pre-teen monster are you to randomly email married men so you can chat with them over the web? I, for one, am disappointed with your behavior. You've been very bad. Now go to your room and read "The Bell Jar" until you see the world as a place of misery and pain like the rest of us.
Regards, Oggy Bleacher.

*If you highlight the text of this email you'll see a set of characters between every word. Very sinister. You can't copy and paste the html because of these extra hidden characters. I thought they spelled out a secret message but I can't break the code. 100 punk rock points to anyone who sees a pattern. 50 punk rock points to anyone who emails this person with some spam.
Also, the chicken farmer better get ready to do a poetry reading where I read this spam email and he plays piano.

Dear Exxon Persepctives,

In an effort to become a more rounded elite intellectual I have added the site feed from Exxon Mobil's blog called "Exxon Perspectives". You will find it to the left under the seldom-read Earth Policy Institute feed. I feel that going to the climate change site and reading the comments from all those hippies is futile. We should be meeting at the Exxon site and having the same conversation...on their turf. The climate change comments fall into one of a few categories,
"I told you so."
"We haven't seen anything yet."
"Thanks for this information."
"Have you read about..."

What is the point of this choir singing the same songs to themselves in the same church? Either you are an evangelical environmentalist or you are living in a fantasy like Stephen Hawking saying "Heaven is a fairy tale for people afraid of the dark."

If the environment matters to you then you have to preach to someone other than the choir. And if it matters to you then the enemy is surely Exxon Mobil so you should learn as much as you can about their position. So, I'll be making periodic comments on their site that should be amusing and fruitless like a clown making fart sounds for the benefit of a herd of elephants. Also, the level of commentary is so much more refined than on yourboobtube or fuckbook that I will have to step my game up. Everyone spell checks and fact checks their comments, refrains from using smiley face icons and swear words and sometimes even concedes an argument point or asks for clarification before calling someone a whore or cocksucker. That's hard to believe but it is true. Also, I feel sorry for the Exxon blog because almost no one comments on their articles. That seems sad. Everyone who cares is commenting on the climate change blog and poor Exxon is alone. I want them to feel someone is out here reading and thinking about oil exploration. And if I want to pick a fight then the biggest propaganda dog in town is Exxon Mobil Public Affairs Division. If I can get Exxon Public Affairs VP commentator Ken Cohen to say, "Oggy, you have a point. I think I'm going to contact our CEO and shut down oil exploration efforts in the Arctic." then I have done something. And if I can't get that done then a circle jerk with other hippies is pure self-pleasure nonsense.

It seems a Ken posts once a week and the articles definitely are pro oil but these are the facts that they choose to defend and it's better to meet them on the same battlefield rather than arguing with the wrong people.
And what would be funnier than The Man in The Van posting daily updates about his arctic wolf expedition on the Exxon Mobil blog?
"Hey, Ken, this is an Eskimo village that would be devastated by an oil spill. Meet Oomlat, the village shaman. He strongly opposes oil development here and he also speaks no English."

I guess I'm looking for a direct line of communication with people who lack the empathy gene but might be able to use my abundance of empathy as a surrogate.

It's a little intimidating as their blog page background includes many algorithms and equations like Psquared/2Icubed+mg=cos.squared. Really, they have to put that as the background?* And then try...wait...
that's going to be my first post. To introduce myself and my far reaching world-view.
It goes to the heart of the problem/disconnect and is as follows:

Dear Exxon, thank you for providing this forum to research and discuss current oil exploration trends and topics. My name is Oggy Bleacher and I'm a dirty hippie. I have a long long beard and long hair with knots in it. My bum stinks. I wear American made clothes which means they were manufactured in 1973. If I wash them they will disintegrate so I don't wash them.

I am also from the future and feel it is my duty to inform you that you'd be better off forgetting everything you know and starting from scratch. The current path of mankind leads directly to an inhospitable climate. Oil, far from being our salvation, proves to be a short lived energy fix that mankind is addicted to. The pursuit of energy to enable our less-than-important daily activities consumes the environment and ultimately anything that resembles earth. In short, you are totally misleading yourselves if you think it is smart to continue on this path of destruction.

Speaking of smart, the Exxon corporate home page promotes your perspectives blog with the words, "Less industry jargon, more insightful conversation." You sound like an ad for Ruffles potato chips. "Tastes Great! Less Filling!" Uh, did your content writer sit in the bleachers or the box seats at Yankees games in 1987?

But, the image you have, less than an inch from the words "Less industry jargon" is A FLOATING AND SPINNING 18 POINT MOLECULE MODEL. The background? A SNOWSTORM OF COMPLICATED CALCULUS EQUATIONS stolen from the effects department of A Beautiful Mind. What? I'd hate to see what you consider jargon. Are you trying to say you are smarter than me? I mean, if you are so smart then why don't you write an algorithm that compares the Climate Progress website and your website to figure out who is right? Huh, smarty pants? I dare you. Trying to push me around with your cosine ego inflated Ven diagrams? You think I don't know what those equations mean? Well, you are right. I'm totally baffled by them. Chemistry class was my one opportunity to look at Christy McFarlane's shaved legs and I wasn't going to waste a minute paying attention to the chalkboard. Who would? Apparently, you would. Congratulations. You don't know what you missed.

My point is that the very basis of your jargon-less forum is flawed. The actual gate to your open forum is designed to intimidate and confuse. "Uh oh. All these equations mean these people are smart and I'm just a knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing hippie wandering around where I don't belong. I bet these people are important!"

I will break it to you easily: YOU ARE NOT IMPORTANT. Those equations and molecule models are MERELY YOUR VERSION OF THE MAYAN STAR CHARTS. The big difference is the star charts were biodegradable (and low fat) while your equations ARE DESTROYING THE ENTIRE PLANET!

So, I give you a grade of C, average, for your blog. It exists, which is good, but your self-important content writers and engineers could not contain their inflated egos, which is bad. Try to improve. The nature of your blog does not invite the public to learn. Most of us are not petroleum engineers, although I once went ice fishing with one in Alaska and he made fun of my mother. So, if you want to flaunt your PE degree then go to the geek gym. Furthermore, drilling for oil and refining it so it explodes under compression isn't exactly mystical black magic. Get over your empathy-deficient egos and invite people to converse. We all know the oil spill in the Gulf could've been from an Exxon rig. You all share the same contractors and materials. Don't pretend you are Mr. Clean. Your propaganda ads don't fool me. Alaska should be lit up like Las Vegas after all the oil you've sucked from the North Slope and spilled in Prince William Sound. Ooops. Remember that? The Marbled Murelette probably can't wait for you to start digging up oil somewhere else. Get the hell out of his territory. Who is taking advantage of whom? Stephen Hawking just proved there is no heaven so that means you have to be held accountable on earth. Sorry, that's the way it goes.

In the meantime, I will be watching you closely and bringing all my hippie friends over to get stoned and read your blog. You want to invite us in to take a shower and use your bathroom then that's what we'll do. Thanks, dude.

* The articles actually are free of jargon and are a high school reading level. Ken Cohen does a good job of arguing his case without too much rhetoric. If you can pick an honest fight in this forum then your brain is working good.

Here's an example of what I want to accomplish:

From their article:
"We know that certain types of algae produce bio-oils. The challenge is to find and develop the algae strains, and the production systems, that can produce bio-oils at scale with an attractive economic return. The ultimate goal is to have algae bio-oils processed in our refineries to supplement supplies of conventional gasoline, diesel, aviation fuels, and marine fuels."

My Response:
Oggy Bleacher wrote:
Thank you for submitting a comment to the ExxonMobil Perspectives blog. We are reviewing it based on our Rules of Engagement and it will be posted upon approval.

"Lets keep in mind that when considering economic feasibility we shouldn’t compare cost of algae derived oil production to the $100/bbl or the $4 per gallon for petroleum products because all the evidence points to a $15/gallon “real cost” when also taking environmental impact into consideration. That’s more like a $400/bbl and at that price algae suddenly is more "attractive". I say take the corn out of our food and put it in our cars."

Who can I Blame?

I'm sort of pissed this evening because I've been reading about a theory developed by Judith Rich Harris which suggests peer groups and not parents are the primary developmental factor. This is the first I've heard of this. Of course who you hang out with has something to do with your personality, your lingo, preferred sports and music, but do we look to anyone as much as to our parents for bad advice and political dogma and emotional abuse when we are kids?

"The evidence I've put together in my book indicates that parents have little or no long-term effect on their children's personality, intelligence, or mental health."
-Judith Rich Harris

Well, that throws my whole "burn the parents" campaign into the trash. I'm starting to think that she started with a thesis that would guarantee controversy so she could get on the map. And then she proved it and even became a kind of cause celeb for a few years in the Nineties. I mean, really? Parents have nothing to do with my personality? What? So, when people called my house and I answered and they said,
and I said, "No, this is his son."
"You sound just like your father."
"Haw haw haw."
"Even your laugh."
"A-Yah. Sho do eat them lobstah up. Har har, jus' us goofy Bleachah kids."

And it's true. If I played a recording of me and my father you wouldn't know who was talking. Recently, he heard me and my brother yelling about something and he remarked, "It's like listening to myself twenty years ago."
I chuckled ruefully and thought. "Yeah, it's almost like you were our father and we were paying attention to you."

It's weird because I don't see any trace of my father in my brother but there are three generation of facially furry Bleacher men who look like me, my father, my grandfather and a few uncles. The same chins and slim build and droopy, clueless eyes. But this theory by Harris kind of throws it all away. A Bleacher man born in 1890 was going to be shaped by his peer group and one born in 1971 was going to be shaped by his peer group. The family, if it can be called that, was pretty much there to throw us some table scraps and teach us how to start the lawnmower, which is about all that I remember. But that does not explain why I'm not a tap dancer or something completely different than a psychologist, which is what my father was.

Harris suggests it is the parents who are more influenced by their kids than the other way around. Really? So, my father got his sense of humor from me? Now the shoe is on the other foot. Every stock market blunder my father made (Go ahead and sell that Apple stock. They'll never survive the Eighties) is really my fault for being innately clumsy with investments.
I don't think I like being responsible for the career rut my father found himself in for 15 years. I much prefer blaming him for my inability to focus on tasks, take chances in love and my reluctance to start business enterprises. It's his fault! But no. Harris suggests that it was my peer group growing up in Boston and then Portsmouth.

Good lord. That never occurred to me because the group of cripple gang mutts and break-dancing, BMX riding, pot smoking, beer drinking, dip chewing, criminals and degenerates were never people I looked up to. I had no choice but find a few of them I could tolerate for a few years. I didn't want to take my headphones off and leave my room but at least once a day I was forced to go to school or take some pointless trip to toss a ball or break some bottles. I didn't think that meant I was being influenced. Because if that is true then I'm totally fucked. Not only did I not pay much attention but my memories of my peer group are something out of nightmares from a death camp...we were all trying to survive long enough to see the next Missing in Action sequel. Chuck Norris was my hero. Is that the problem? I identified with film heroes like Charles Bronson and literary cliches like Henry David Thoreau? I thought all my friends were props for my private theater from hell. But no, they were the very foundations of my personality and emotional health. That can't be true.

I picture a summer afternoon when me and Dan were waist deep in sea mud as we carried a steel canoe two miles on our shoulders across Little Harbor as the tide kept receding out of reach. That was formative? Or when Bobby and I came back from lunch at the printing warehouse and we punched back in. Then Bobby winked at me and we ran out the side door for two more hours drinking beer and eating pizza and watching Hardbodies and Hardbodies 2. "We'll just sneak back in and no one will notice," he laughed as he threw his chewed tobacco in my Coke Classic.
We snuck back in and both of our time cards had huge red words "SEE ME!" and our hours had been crossed out, effectively ending that career path

So, that was more important than my mother packing her bags and splitting for the Caribbean when I was 6 years old? Really? Watching my father deteriorate into a shiftless, jobless, long faced, weekend parent train wreck was simply casual window dressing? I should've laughed at him and said, "Judith Harris says that your misery and the dissolution of our family actually is meaningless, so you can hang yourself from the group home rafters for all I care. All that matters is the kids I play Whiffle ball with. C-yah, wouldn't wanna B-yah."

And all this time I just thought those stoned playmates were there to keep me entertained until I could get out of town.

And what does this theory say about athletic or musical prodigies? That trained abilities aren't related to personality, intelligence of emotional health. A well trained golfer like Tiger Woods would never exist without his father. But his father had nothing to do with his personality. Michael Jackson, in the hands of a gravedigger, would've been a laborer, a damn good laborer, but because his peer group included Motown giants he grew up a performer. But his parents didn't influence his goofy personality. Really? His private carnival, zoo and creepy sleepovers were unrelated to his parents?

I haven't read the whole book so I need help here. Any amateur therapists want to weigh in? There is no way you can convince me that Michael Jackson and Mozart or Alex Rodriguez were destined to be who they are because of their peer group. No way. How many Olympiads thank their parents? How many serial killers curse their parents? Isn't a good parent just a good coach, someone you sort of hate but who prepares you for the race? No, there must be an exception when it comes to athletics and music because parents have everything to do with physical abilities. Anyone can learn to play the piano provided they start when they are about 5 years old and practice for 8 hours a day for 10 years. If your parent wasn't there to remind you to practice almost no one would play piano voluntarily. Maybe that's a good thing since only Mozart talents would bother taking the time.

I want to give a conclusion for all of you parents with kids or kids who resent their parents. Does it matter what you do with your kids during your bi-monthly visitation? I mean, Harris sounds like a crackpot but many people in the psychology business take her seriously. I think that probably has something to do with it. Psychology. It's about as useful to survival as poetry. If you remove psychology (most of human history) then you still have people trying to find shelter and food. Add psychology and you get AN IMPORTANT ANIMAL WITH IMPORTANT MISSIONS WHO IS INFLUENCED BY IMPORTANT THINGS to find shelter and food. So, Freud and Jung and Harris all belong to the same group of self important philosophers who think everything we do HAS SOME ROOT CAUSE. Hell, if it wasn't for psychologists I probably wouldn't even think to blame someone for all my troubles. It's a vicious cycle: They tell me I've got a rebellion complex and I say, "Oh? It's your fault I've got a rebellion complex. By the way, what's a rebellion complex?"

So, they give me the ammunition to fight them and then tell me they have the cure. It's like a Trojan horse computer virus. Of course, I was surrounded by every psychology text in the world growing up. Stacks of books like, "Your Mother, Your Lover" or "Killing Dad and Other Fantasies" or "Freud Explains Your Troubles" or "How to Ponder Your Life Away"

It's like, these crackpot authors and psychologists were just good snake oil salesmen so their theories got bought and spread around. In First Century Africa a troubled teen would burn some leaves and chop the head off a lizard. PROBLEMS SOLVED! Today, we've got years of therapy...because...the therapist says it is what I need. Wait, the doctor is telling me I need his council? That sounds real fishy. That's like asking a dog if it's time for his dinner. Every psychologist wants to think he is useful. He's the new age shaman in the ugly tie and he's got bills to pay, but is any of this new age magic legitimate? I think it is too complicated for me. I'm a humor writer. I don't have all the answers. I don't even know who to blame for my hair loss anymore. Of course, I read about this theory in a book with essays about mk-ultra CIA mind control experiments so that should tell me something.

How about this: If you want to go to the ball park with your kid, then go to the ball park. If you don't want to go, then don't go, but you might want to point out the park to your kid and explain what baseball is. I don't know. That seems fair. If you are an exceptional athletic or musical coach then you have a good chance to train your kid to play sports or an instrument. If you fail to do this then he probably won't be as good as Tiger Woods or Mozart. He'll be in good company. But he could be a doctor or an engineer or a poet who constantly asks you for money. The choice is yours! And remember, if you are ever fired from a job or bomb at karaoke then you can blame your kid.
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.