Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Citizens Bank Can Go Fuck Themselves



The phone rings....
Oggy (with mouth full of Spaghetti): Yep?
Recovery Agent (pleasant female): Good evening, Mr. Bleacher?
Oggy: I hope so, cause I'm wearing his dirty boxer shorts...
R.A.: I'd like to talk to you about your Citizens Bank Checking Account.
Oggy: What account? I have no money in there.
R.A: Be advised that this call may be recorded...
Oggy: Well, that makes two of us.
R.A.: Right now we're showing a negative balance of $111.97. When would you like to make a payment?
Oggy: Last I checked I had a negative balance of $2.09.
R.A. There have been service charges due to a negative balance.
Oggy: You charged me $109 to borrow $2?
R.A. You stopped payment on a $200 check.
Oggy: OF COURSE I STOPPED PAYMENT. YOU WERE GOING TO TAKE HALF OF IT AS PREDATORY FEES FOR THE ORIGINAL TWO DOLLARS!*
R.A. So when would you...
Oggy: I WILL NEVER PAY THOSE FINES OFF. I WILL NEVER EVER PAY YOU.
R.A. You should be advised that this will be forwarded to our claims department...
Oggy: You bastards misled me, you lied, you changed my contract, you signed me up for the overdraft account bullshit...
R.A. You were advised to opt out of th....
Oggy: IF YOU KNEW EVEN A FRACTION OF THE SHIT I WAS GOING THROUGH LAST YEAR YOU WOULD KNOW THAT OPTING OUT OF YOUR BULLSHIT OVERDRAFT PROTECTION WAS THE LAST FUCKING THING ON MY MIND. I SLAVE ALL DAY LONG IN A CZECHOSLOVAKIAN MOPED FACTORY AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET? Really?
R.A: As of today we are showing a negative balance of...
Oggy: I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME. I EVEN WROTE IT DOWN ON MY CALENDAR WITH ARROWS AND UNDERLINES SAYING "NEVER PAY THIS"
R.A. Mr. Bleacher....
Oggy: It really vexes me that this is how we should meet. It vexes and irks and perplexes and hurts and causes me great anguish. You have a nice voice. It's pleasing. I almost want to pay you so you will show me some affection because I am lonely and sad. I see why they hired you. But they are vultures. If you...
R.A." Mr...Bleacher...

A La Plancha

Jawa Decompression Cable Bracket

I don't know if there is a philosophical correlation between these two topics but if there was it would be "no frills" or "Honest"
Mopeds use a feature called a decompression cable to release compression in the single cylinder so when you are pedaling to start the thing up it is easier since you aren't fighting against the compression of the engine. Then you release the lever and it compresses the cylinder at exactly the moment of ignition and you might start the engine... We managed to lose track of the simple metal bracket that holds the cable housing so when you move the lever only the cable moves and that engages the valve on the cylinder. I put the word out to my moped forum friends and came up empty. The Jawa is not a bike anyone knows much about.  But we found the bracket and I can sleep. It's not essential to start the thing but it's essential for all the parts of the universe to be aligned again in my anxious brain.

Creative Commons License
Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.