Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Syria Issues Travel Advisory Warning For United States

The embattled Syrian Department of State, operating from a concrete bunker 50 feet below the war torn city of Damascus, has raised the travel advisory status for The United States to it's highest Warning level, indicating the lack of basic security. The official status change was announced in a press release through one of the two remaining media outlets in the crumbling country.

"The security situation in the country of America, otherwise known as The United States, has deteriorated from questionable to alarming. The cold blooded murder of infants in baby carriages, dismemberment, cannibalism, the prolific random gun violence, the dishonest, secretive, and despotic government, the failing economy and the blatantly pornographic mainstream media has now forced the Syrian State Department to warn any victims of the current Syrian conflict to avoid seeking refuge in America."


The travel warning continued to "strongly recommend" all Syrian citizens residing in America... 

"...leave immediately! Neighboring Canada is a very good alternative to remaining in America. Mexico, aside from isolated areas of violence, still is safer than the average urban centers in America. Private citizens of America continue to arm themselves at a rate that can only be seen as predatory. Thousands of automatic rifles went missing from a government sponsored anti-drug operation near the Mexican border and hysterical citizens readily admit they are stockpiling weapons and food, building fortified castles as well as mobile tanks in preparation for a doomsday they seem helpless to prevent. Do not travel to this country! No part of America should be considered immune from violence, and the potential exists throughout the country for hostile acts, including murder, abduction for sex slavery, extortion, theft. Serial and spree killers have infiltrated every state. Recent "occupy" protests petitioning the government for change were met with tear gas, pepper spray, mass arrests and police brutality."

The advisory went on to warn of the high likelihood of Terrorist attacks in the larger urban  and government centers of America as the enemies of this despotic nation have increased exponentially in the last decade as their covert imperialism escalated to overt "snatch and grab" invasions of oil fields in the fanatical areas of the Middle East. Attending or participating in sporting events or air travel should be ruled out, the release indicated.
Syrians in Arizona attempting to escape the crumbling U.S. nation

"Furthermore; as recent as two weeks ago the world watched helplessly as a man was sentenced to 35 years in a military prison for obeying his oath to protect the constitution. The man, who has since announced a gender change, believed the President truthfully would protect him when he publicized wrongdoings perpetrated during the illegal seizure of foreign resources. Another victim of the President's bait and switch trap is currently seeking political refuge in Russia. Syrian citizens are cautioned against contacting the Syrian embassy in Washington D.C. as all foreign embassies are bugged by the covert government spy department. Private cell phone and electronic mail use is also monitored. Clearly, no one can be trusted in this chaotic nation and all Syrian citizens are advised to remain in Europe or Asia until the cessation of the civil unrest in Syria."

 Mahmoud Moazez, a 43 year old dried fruit salesman living with his four children and 2 million other Syrian refugees amid the rubble that was once a textile industrial zone shook his head when asked if he would accept an offer of sanctuary in America.

"My dying wife's last request was that I avoid America. Now the state department is telling us what we already know, that our civil war may be violent, bloody, grievous, chaotic, but at least we're better off here than in Detroit." As he separated chicken feed into small plastic sandwich bags, Moazez mumbled emotionally, "It makes me thankful for what I have when I read articles about Detroit. And Cleve-land? Cleve-land? Please do not speak the name of that cursed city. I'd sooner set myself and my family ablaze then have them defile themselves in Cleve-land. You would think someone would step in and help but I guess the world doesn't care anymore."

The Syrian advisory concluded with advice for Syrians trapped in America without the resources to escape:

"If a Syrian citizen has no other option except remain in America then he must be cautioned against seeking refuge in outwardly benign churches or schools as the former is crawling with pedophiles and the latter is an undefended target for spree killers. Parts of Oregon and rural Vermont are considered relatively safe, as are uninhabited areas of New Mexico, but under no circumstances should Syrian citizens travel to the Southeastern state called Florida, also known as "God's Waiting Room". Promises of Sunshine are thin cons to lure innocent victims to this lawless swampland. Confirmed reports of cannibalism, unpunished murder, drug abuse, infanticide and corruption make Florida the worst of the worst. You are better off staying in Syria."
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.