Thursday, June 20, 2013

Fat, Infertile Duck Refuses to Migrate

Maggie, the Texan Duck
Sources confirmed that a fat and infertile duck named Maggie, who usually returned to her Canadian breeding grounds for the past 5 springs has decided to skip this year's migration.

"Why bother," asked Maggie as she ate a piece of hot dog a dawdling electrician threw at her. "I fly way up there and obviously I'm not going to have any offspring. So what's the point? That's a shit ton of effort to fly yourself to Canada from Texas to watch other ducks give birth. This year I decided to skip it."

When asked if she thinks she will start a new trend of spending the whole year in her winter habitat, she shrugged.
"I don't know or care. Yes, it's hot down here in the summer, but for the past three years I swear the only cold breeze we get is when we're actually in the air flying. As soon as we land in Canada at that lake, boom, it's like a thousand degrees again. So, this whole migration thing has been a let down. Like, we can't fuck and have ducklings at this lake?"

Maggie continued by saying that she didn't have any plans to fly north again. Ever. That many injured ducks don't make the trip out of necessity, and actually, she's been getting laid more now than ever.

"Once all those breeding ducks are out of the picture, I've kind of got my pick of the rest. No, they aren't the cream of the crop, deadbeats that they are, but beggars can't be choosers."

Maggie excused herself as a group on picnic arrived and tossed some bread to the ducks.

"All this eating and lack of exercise is sort of killing my figure, but that's the way it goes. Something's got to kill me, but it won't be a random collision with a helicopter or power line. I'm happy here and they'll have to bag me up and take me to the dump. Heck, I've got some mottled Mexican duck friends who are trying to get me to go to Cancun for the winter. If I can lose some weight to fly again then I might join them. They say it gets crowded in the winter but you've got the whole beach to yourself in the summers."

At press time Maggie had waddled off through a crowd of pigeons and began to muscle her way toward a slice of stale  white bread.
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.