Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Boyfriend: Ok, Let's Talk About Period Related Bloating

Area boyfriend, Tom Singleton, announced to his menstruating girlfriend, "Ok, sure, let's talk about your period related bloating. Definitely!"
Julie Adams, his girlfriend, was startled as this topic generally fell into the realm of off limits or at best something that she could speak out loud about but not get a single indication Tom was listening. Today, however, Tom surprised Julie by announcing he "really wants to learn the details of how the bloating affects her mood and physical well-being."
"Specifically, Julie," continued Tom putting his magazine down and making direct and concerned eye contact with his girlfriend of one year, "I want to know exactly what the symptoms are, every detail, I want to know if you are cramping and where those cramps occur. I want to know if you are constipated, bleeding more or less than your normal period, if your breasts are tender, if you are retaining water, if you are grouchy and irritable, and if you don't feel like having sex right now but will probably be all over me in ten minutes. Whenever you're ready to talk, I will listen."
Tom crossed his legs and relaxed into a position that would indicate he was willing to take as long as possible to understand what his girlfriend was going through.
"Walk me through it step by step," said Tom. "You say you are bloating but that's kind of vague. Please elaborate. Where do you feel the bloating exactly, is it in your stomach or your spasming  uterus? Can you describe your feelings in terms I'll understand? Do you feel nauseous?  Are you vomiting? Light headed? Are you undergarments fitting tighter than usual and does that make you feel fat? And does your feeling fat lead you into a cycle of depression and self-loathing because you have linked your mood to your weight and body image?"
Tom asked Julie if she wanted a cup of green tea of how hot she wanted the bath water he would shortly run for her.
"Are you gassy?" he asked casually. "If you are gassy then maybe you'll want some licorice tea. I could call your mother and ask her what's the best remedy for gassy, bloated, period related discomfort. Are your feet swollen or is that only with pregnant or lactating women? There's so much to learn and I'm so happy to have you here to explain everything related to periods and the troubles they cause you. Wherever you want to begin will be fine with me. I've got all night."
At press time Julie wasn't speaking to Tom anymore.
Creative Commons License
Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.