"I had read many books in which, when the author tried to convey it, he only produced a blur, and I decided that this was because either the author had never seen it clearly or at the moment of it, he had physically or mentally shut his eyes, as one might do if he saw a child that he could not possibly reach or aid, about to be struck by a train." E. Hemingway - Death in The Afternoon 1932
I have big shoes to fill if I want to tackle the subject of bullfighting. Hemingway polished his craft on this subject (the "it" in the statement above). I feel the same way about homelessness and poverty and romantic self-destruction and also jazz music. I feel most authors or musicians turn away before the dirty parts and that I, Oggy, did not turn away in time, or felt it more deeply than others. I'm not turned on by poverty or self-destruction but in a sense I am addicted to self-destructive romanticizing, ie: the editing of reality to fit a romantic notion. I am, in psychological parlance, most engaged when romanticizing or verbalizing reality, which I can often do at the same time. The second most actualization I experience is when I play solo guitar at 3am and imagine an audience of ghosts enjoying my work. But writing is actually a slight of hand where I tell you something I already know and pretend I only learned about it through the process of writing. At best, I don't pretend and actually do learn something at the same moment you do. That's magical, and, like jazz improvisation, is not rehearsed and the audience and artist share an experience. All live action performance/entertainment is like this and Hemingway's book is a good example of a stream of consciousness, plainly honest investigation of a subject with little or no censorship. Censorship irks me although I can appreciate that I have become intolerable to some so they would wish me to limit myself in one form or another to better accommodate their conventionality. Yes, I might try to use a bathroom instead of pissing and shitting in the street, but otherwise, this self-domestication isn't going to happen for any one's benefit. Maybe this is self defeating but there's a larger issue of being true to my nature. Oh, I fantasize that I will compromise for romantic reasons but that's actually the opposite of what really happens, which is compromise for economic or political reasons and romance gets tossed out with the rotting banana peels. But that's another story.
