Wednesday, October 26, 2011

What doesn't Belong?

Can you identify the picture that doesn't belong in this series of three?

Born to be Mild

When I'm not picking dandruff out of my hair and cleaning the transmission fluid from my hangnails I'm opening up the throttle on my 1974 Vespa Ciao and clearing the streets of squirrels chased by madman apple pickers.

Drought? Call Oggy

As soon as I completely remove any complicated assembly on my van that leaves it exposed to the weather or inoperable, a weather system moves in as if the Big Director in the sky yelled, "Cue the Storm! Oggy, prepare to curse!"
And my stiff rye neck cranes upward to the icy rain, my fingers frozen in worn wool gloves, tattered, aching back from the couch that's 5" too short for my ramrod arthritic knees, and my spine creaking like a barn door. Damn Rain!
"Chance of wet snow..." says the voice talent on the radio before returning to vapidity of gossip and taking calls about broken marriages...
I look back at my damn van that has no window and I rub my numb thumbs. I will persist in this line of attack because all work is equal except this work benefits only me...and there was a time that's long gone when specialized labor did not exist and culture was candles burning in monkey heads. My latest get rich slow scheme is a business modeled on the donation jar. Housework and yard work for low income families and the what you can. I think that some people join the army and believe they are helping America. I need something more local so I will live in my van and rake lawns for people on welfare and Social Security.

Mama Save Me

Some christ lovers stalked me down the street and gave me this card.
I said, "Cool. They allow hippies like me?"
"Yes," said the woman.
"But no XXXXX people, right?"
"Of course we allow XXXXX people."
I made a face...
"Oh, that doesn't work for me because everyone knows XXXXX PEOPLE CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN."
I think we all know who was shocked by that remark.

Devil in the Details

I was real proud of these ceramic novelty drawer knobs that I installed on the inside sliding screen window of the van. Then I remembered that I can't swallow my pride and I have no friends who will appreciate the cactus and the lone wolf.
In other news my window renewal project is fixing to be a disaster because I bought the last roll of butyl tape in Kingston and now I think there will be nothing easy about getting this to keep water out for the first time in 42 years. This leaked every storm and is partly responsible for the black mold on my wedding shirt. But as I took it apart I found multiple layers of tape. Was that a mistake or is that the only way to make it work? I suspect it will not be waterproof. Like I said, "Either it will get better or worse." And that's an improvement because at this point I'm tired of fighting the same war.

At least the transmission band has lasted 50 miles. I'm ready to go to Guatemala for the winter. Who's coming!

Obligatory Fall Post

Can I take care of this in one post?
New England has her finest dress on.
[Enter your favorite Robert Frost poem here]

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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.