Monday, December 7, 2015

NASA Readies Team to Retrieve Trump Images

Houston, Texas:

NASA has announced an emergency meeting to brief a top team of scientists in order to retrieve radio transmitted visual and audio data of Presidential Candidate Donald Trump from traveling further into Space, lest the data be intercepted by an alien life form and mistaken as representative Human behavior.

Gordon Thiel, director of NASA special affairs department announced that astronauts, radio engineers, physicists, and philosophers have been assembled to determine the best way to blockade images of Donald Trump posturing for the camera like an actor on Hee Haw.
Images like this, say NASA, must never be seen by aliens
"We're simply afraid that these images will be too much for an alien life form to fully comprehend and they will judge us based on this small selection of images and tasteless monologues and launch an immediate attack against us. Our morals committee has agreed that humanity's greatest threat right now is of an alien life form witnessing our slavish news coverage of this over dressed buffoon and mistakenly believing Trump is a worshiped demagogue who is beyond the reach of rational, emotionally healthy individuals. This alien life form may, in the view of our experts, believe that a culture that worships such an imbecile as Trump must be so dysfunctional and hopeless that they should be euthanized for the survival of the universe. It sounds far-fetched," said Dr. Thiel with a shrug and a smirk, "but unfortunately we don't see any alternative except to find a way to stop those images from going further into the universe. Call it censorship, call it New World Order. We honestly don't have any more time to waste because those digital broadcasts are traveling at the speed of light toward God Knows what hostile alien civilization just waiting for a reason to test their neutron bombs on an inferior life form. Obviously, Trump would be that reason."

The notion that the the Starship Probe Voyager would offset the balance of harm done by Trump's images was laughed off by assistant director Peter Donaldson. "No, the Voyager is traveling at a speed of 55,920 feet per second and will need nearly 20,000 years to realistically be intercepted by an alien life form. Trump's images may have already been viewed. We may be too late."

The Crew of Mission: Intercept
"Mission Intercept is ready to launch with the goal of harnessing the Sun's power to create a controllable black hole which will selectively suck back any broadcast tagged with Trump's meta-data. It's a lot of technical jargon but basically, it's our only hope. Unless someone else can come up with a better idea this is the direction we're going in right now. We can only pray the mission will succeed."

In response to the effect these images have on humans living on earth Donaldson winced. "We at NASA have moved on from trying to protect humanity from assaults by other humans. Our objective is to protect alien life forms from the effects of these toxic statements by this vile creature [Trump]."

When questioned about the Mission, unofficially called "Outer Space Dump Trump", Donald Trump himself said, "I like it! I donated a hundred dollars to NASA and it's good to see they are finally doing something with it. I just hope some of those astronauts are Democrats and they forgot to mail their absentee ballot. Ha! Vote Trump!" said Trump with the repulsive smirk and arrogant haughtiness he is known for.
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.