Thursday, January 14, 2010


I know it isn't much, but we've all got to contribute something. So, since I won't be involved in the musical benefit concert someone will have somewhere I will perform here instead.
Here is a link to the real Red Cross to donate
that's the group that my philanthropic buddy Dan works with in Sri Lanka and since Dan will probably end up in Haiti due to this earthquake I think they're the ones he'll be working with and he'll make sure your money pays for something useful to the Haitians. Right, Dan?

The catchy tune is by the Bloodhouse Gang.
Dear Chasey Lain.

I was wandering around in the magic internet world and cross referenced a few things and came upon this tune. It is so so bizarre. You would think I could just write a song of my own. I mean,

"Dear Chasey Lain I'm writing to explain I'm your biggest fan. I just wanted to ask could I eat your ass write back as soon as you can."

Lyrics like that amaze me. You don't need a lot to write a song. In fact, the trick is to not try hard at all. Just think like a drunk 16 year old. What will they think is cool. Then sing it. If you try hard the kids will sniff you out. They smell phony. This song is not phony.
So I sing it with the Haitians in mind. Donate to the rebuilding of Haiti and carry this song with you.

I don't want to steal the spotlight from Haiti but there is a small tragedy related with this song. Chasey Lain is an adult exotic performer. For you old timers that means she is a hardcore porn actress. Someone probably did write her a letter asking to eat her ass. It's a natural response to seeing her ass. If there is one thing that will distract you from 10,000+ deaths on a poor island it is the tawdry details of a porn actress. Hell, this earthquake is the best thing that happened to Tiger Woods.

Anyway, Chasey is a mere 3 months older than me and in porn years 38 is like 90. (38 is like a teenager in writers years) I'll let you go to your porn catalog of choice for nude pics of Chasey. (I would never put that smut on my blog.) Hell, she got into porn around the same time I did. I feel like we know each other.

But 20+ years of sex for money have taken their toll on Chasey. It probably wasn't the sex, but the crystal meth, fasting, cocaine enemas, and non stop exercise of pole dancing that did the most damage. She lived fast and miraculously survived. And in researching this song I found a pre-scene video someone recently shot of Chasey getting ready in makeup. It would've been on the DVD extras, if the scene ever got produced. D.A.R.E. hasn't produced a video this scary. Chasey, who once had nice, pretty features, has become a trembling, tweaking skeleton. She's got all the trademarks of a crack head/tweak freak/meth monster. It's one thing when an ugly person becomes uglier due to meth. But when a pretty girl loses all her looks then you get a good idea of the power of poison. I mean, she lost the one thing that was making her money! But in my musings on addiction I think there comes a point in a person's life when their addiction is the only thing they feel is their own. They know it is killing them but since something has to kill them (abusive boyfriend, cancer, Newt Gingrich) they would rather die by their own hands. Everything else feels alien, but the addiction is the one thing they OWN. They aren't proud of the addiction but they are proud of the ownership, so they don't give it up. This is a topic in the Santa Cruz book.

That's one theory I have because the addicts I've met (that could be a nice essay) all had that similar pride that would ordinarily be directed to a skill like painting or woodworking...but that skill never developed because of one trauma or they built an addiction and directed their pride to that. And the addicts I've known also have developed an unusual skill in finding and doing drugs to the verge of death. Don't think it's an easy thing to be a strung out crack head. No. That ain't no easy road. The ins and outs of scoring crack with no money would make your head spin. None of the addicts I've known looked like Chasey so they had to use their head. I've seen the same tactics used by luxury car salesmen and stock traders. Everyone wants to score. But drugs just eat the brain until there is no self reflection. Who knows what a meth head sees in the mirror...

I don't want to promote that video because it's impolite and was posted only to humiliate the girl. Why anyone still books Chasey for scenes is a mystery. I don't understand it. Maybe she lowered her prices. She's not healthy. I've seen her exact symptoms in hardcore crack addicts living on the street. I realize one stripper falling on hard times is not a huge tragedy, but it's related to the song so I thought I would comment. She doesn't have a Red Cross fund to donate to so give your money to the Haitians. You can only save so many people a day...

The Onion still funny...

The verdict is in. For consistently funny satire and culture bashing you need look no further than the Onion. I bow to them.
They had an op-ed piece from Jon Benet Ramsey. (I'm still laughing) It was titled... "Don't cry, I'm in heaven singing with the pretty angels."
That is some brave shit. The girl is dead, murdered by some monster who is probably still alive, and they write her op-ed piece from heaven. But it's still funny, at least to me since I wasn't related to her.

And they reviewed a 1988 movie called Mac and Me. It was basically a product placement for Coke and McDonalds. And an alien trapped on earth...who gets addicted to soda...and then becomes a citizen. I cringe when I think of it. Wrong on many levels.

There is no end to the humor. If you are still watching the neutered Simpsons I recommend going to The Onion. Just read the comments on the articles and you'll laugh. Mainstream media is completely played out. All that remains is a funeral.

I went to the Onion website to see if they could put a humorous spin on the earthquake in Haiti. You know, the impoverished island in the Caribbean? It was already in deep trouble before all the buildings fell down. 10,000 + casualties? It's like more people died than survived. It was near bullseye on the capital.

Now, as a champion of the impoverished I think this would be a good time for the people of Haiti to take back the land. Only through design could a country be so impoverished. I mean, really. You don't get those kinds of problems accidentally, or as Pat Robertson said, because God is punishing them. No, that's human design.

Bob Corbett
Why Haiti is so Poor

Haiti, once called The Jewel of the Antilles, was the richest colony in the entire world. Economists estimate that in the 1750s Haiti provided as much as 50% of the Gross National Product of France. How could Haiti have once been the source of such wealth and today be the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere? How could this land that was once so productive today be semi-barren? How did "The Jewel of the Antilles" become the Caribbean's hell-hole?

  1. The international community's role.
    1. French colonial contribution.
    2. The international boycott of the new nation of 1804.
    3. The French debt of 1838.
    4. The United States Occupation, 1915-1934
    5. Post World War II United States domination.
  2. The role of Haiti's rulers.
    1. Slave-like labor systems in the early republic.
    2. The elite's protection of its wealth.
    3. Haitian corruption.
    4. Human rights violations as a tool of oppression.
Someone tell Pat Robertson that God doesn't even make it to the top 10 reasons for the problems in Haiti. (#10 is this recent earthquake)

The earth's crust moves because it is actually floating on magma. This is a problem because we live on the crust. What is like 3 inches of movement can destroy San Francisco. So there isn't much we can do about that, but having the resources to deal with it, conserving the resources, is our only safeguard. What happened with Haiti is the French (and all of Europe) used the resources 100 years ago. So you might say that a $100 million aid package is a long overdue payment of a debt everyone owed Haiti. But it's a similar situation to the Thailand tsunami with a situation that was already dire and a natural disaster being an excuse to start over. Haiti had the potential to deal with this earthquake but was treated like a free food bank for 200 years. The only real justice would be to get the French to rebuild Haiti from the pockets of everyday French citizens. It's tough, but I'll support it. Some French people will probably die. The ones who will do the free labor will most certainly die. And every Haitian male will receive one fertile French payment. Put a sign on them that says, "Fertile" It'll be a small step to replace the women lost in the earthquake. That was supposed to be funny. Why isn't anyone laughing?
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.