Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Tale of the tape

I wanted to document why I can not afford to go to the fancy supermarket up on the hill. Beside the fact they didn't want my hippie kind in there I was revolted by the prices. $4 for juice? $6 for a few sausages? I don't want to buy the farm, just a piece of the pig. Give me a break. Almost $50 for a single bag of groceries. $50!! It's not like I'm going for the wine and cheese and baklava either. These were staples like ham and bananas and grain salad and a chicken pot pie and some OJ. I guess it's all relative to what you make and this represents a day of labor. But it just means I have to make that $50 last two weeks. Budgets are the one place I am a strict realist. A banana can not be stretched. So if you have $100 for a month of groceries then the groceries you buy for $100 will last a month one way or another. I like hamburgers and oatmeal. I'm not complaining. What I need to do is learn to cook these grain salads I'm addicted to. Part of this $50 was some raw red quinoa. Raisins. cashews. long grain rice. Farro Mediterranean pasta salad. The ingredients are cheap compared to the $8/lb salad bar.

Videography is Fun

I bit the bullet and bought what I needed to upload this chicken footage to my computer so I can edit it. Firewire, PCI, ect. Of course I only find out too late that my hard drive is EIDE and not SATA. Damn! Same goes for the dvd burner that I didn't even bother opening.
So...the god what were we thinking? The first clip I reviewed found myself and Chicken Man Ken under a bridge...
"Is this the right way?"
"Shut your mouth before I..."
"I'm just saying."
"Wait, this is a good song, la la la la la"
"So, I'm going to get out and while you're talking to the dude I'll take all his silverware."
"I'm just kidding. Is that him?"
"Yeah, shouldn't you turn that camera off?"
"No, tell him I'm doing a documentary on the economic status of...
"Put away the bottle. Quick..."
(Sounds of truck doors slamming, stumbling, camera falls to the ground)
"Hey, Mr. R this is Oggy Bleacher. He'll be...uh...he's..."
"Nice to meet you, Oggy."
"I wish I could say the same. I haven't eaten in two days."
"Pardon me?"
"Heh heh, Uh, Oggy is... er...filming a historical collection of river dwellers. Their habits and motivations."
"Yes, so how long have you lived on the side of the river? Do you go swimming nude? May I use your bathroom? Is that dog dangerous? If it attacks me..."

I'll tell you that's nothing less than a miracle we weren't kicked off the property. The camera might have been the only thing that made him trust us because he believed there would be evidence of whatever crime we were about to commit. Awful!

The chicken footage is doubly insane and I look forward to sharing it with you all. We walked up to an old feed store counter that smelled like hay...
"If I came in here and asked if I could buy a chicken, would you sell it to me?"
The lady behind the counter looks confused.
"That's good. That's what I want to hear. Where are they? Where are the chickens?"

Even if I don't edit the video I will at least have everything documented that I want to write about. It makes it so much easier.

If you are going to steal my ideas at least put me on the payroll

Dear Onion Editors,
I like your content, I do, really, but when it comes this close to being a post I wrote two months ago then the laughter evaporates like the beginning of a Kevin Smith comedy. Oh, the injustice! If you publish a story about a guy making a subversive chicken documentary then it's safe to say someone is not earning their money. There are enough people in the world to make fun of...let me make fun of myself please.

Your Loyal Reader, Oggy

you sent yourself a story from The Onion because it is hauntingly familiar to one you wrote two months ago

Is it possible The Onion is snaking my stories? They don't take submissions so I don't send them anything but this makes me want to send them an email saying, What The Fuck? If you guys are going to rewrite my comedy then at least put me on the payroll. In fact, I will send them a link to this page. Thieves!

The recommended Onion page is: Man From Future Can't Stop Living In The Less-Far-Into-The-Future

Once you've checked that one out (it's one paragraph) come back...

Here's my story...

Monday, February 8, 2010

Man Travels Ahead One Day in Time

St. Louis, MO

Mike Getty reported a strange phenomena happened to him last week.

"I went to bed on a Monday and woke up on a Wednesday, but I'd only slept like 8 hours."

Mike is certain he didn't sleep through Tuesday because his coworkers at Starbucks Coffee said,
"I was being really funny on Tuesday, cracking jokes, flirting with girls. I don't remember any of that. So I assume I entered a random worm hole and time traveled."

When asked if he feels privileged to travel through time he said, No.
"To tell you the truth it doesn't feel any different. I mean, if it had been a year or two, that might be weird, but one day turns out to make no recognizable difference in my life. I bet I could skip up to a week before I noticed. Honestly, I don't even like Tuesdays. If I could skip every Tuesday from now on, that would be fine. I'd have no problem with that."

Mike reported that when he went to bed on Wednesday he left a note to himself reminding him to take the trash out on Thursday. When he woke up on Thursday he was disappointed.
"I thought it would be kind of cool to skip Thursday too. You know, no chores. But it was just Thursday again, like normal, and I took out the trash."

Mike said nothing like that had happened before.
"The closest I've ever been to time travel is watching Back to the Future. But I figure, whatever. It probably happens to everyone but they aren't paying attention."
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.