Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Trail North

I don't want to blame anyone for the difficulties I've encountered thus far. I've failed to see a wolf of any kind. Heck, I haven't even seen a dog! And the condensation in the van in the morning has everything covered with Mt. Everest Frost. Frozen Bananas. Frozen Cheese. Frozen toes. Gandhi called his Bio "Experiments with Truth" and I didn't want to lie to the border police that I intended to do anything less than go to Ellsmere Island and see Arctic wolves because the climate changes will affect them most drastically, etc. The police did not concur with my rationale and after some tense arguments that I don't want to detail here I was evicted under threat of arrest and imprisonment. And told not to "Border Shop" by way of finding an alternative way in.

The worst part is that now I have a crush on the female official who argued with me for thirty minutes.

"You're not listening to what I'm saying," she said, which was true because she had the prettiest hair and fingers that I know have played the fiddle or piano...and she's from New Foundland. She was saying something about "immediate arrest" and violation of some "international law" and all I could do was stare at her eyes behind her stylish glasses. And she said "Aboot" in the most thrilling way. Like, "I'm aboot to arrest you."

Oh! True love!

I'll never forget your name, "140783"

God, I really thought we were a good match. Her kevlar bullet proof vest and my sea shell necklaces. I begged her to come with me.

"You're from Newfoundland and I'm going to Labrador. It's a perfect match."

"You can't drive there in that van."

"And you know the way! Be my guide! I'll buy everything."

"With $600?"

"I'll work along the way."

"That's exactly what you can't do. You're not..."

"I'll play guitar in the streets of Cape Breton. Please! I feel Canadian at heart!"

"You'll turn around and go back across the bridge."

"Help me. The wolf is in deep trouble. See, I'm from the future. And I need to save the wolf. See, right now mankind is using resources at a rate of..."

Not long after that I was explaining to the U.S. border police why I didn't get into Canada. And they were about ready to force Canada to take me after my tale of wolves and Baffin Island and climate change. This is the thanks I get? I feel trapped but must continue. Thanks to James Taylor for the soundtrack. Terra Nova is the tune and that means New Foundland. I dedicate this to the beautiful border patrol woman who touched my heart as she frisked me for weapons. I'll see you again in my dreams.

Creative Commons License
Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.