Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Development of Africa Hindered by Lack of Second Africa To Exploit

Third World Development expert Dr. Simon Houndstooth announced today that the development of Africa was significantly hampered by the lack of a second Africa to exploit for resources and slave labor that would help the original Africa.

"What we need right now, what would really make the difference, is the discovery of another African continent full of waring stone-age tribes who are easily captured, a land with resources such as timber, fresh water, free labor in the form of slaves, and mineral deposits. All of these could be easily obtained with minimal force on the sub-modern savages, and then we could immediately use these precious resources to raise the quality of life for the original Africans."

Dr. Houndstooth explained that following four centuries of exploitation and pillaging, the current Africa stands little chance of naturally reaching a stable status.

"No, that's never going to happen. The average African's quality of life was much much better in the year 1000 AD than it is today. Their cities were stable, their culture was rich and locally born. They rated high on the self determination scale. Unfortunately, the conquest of Africa by the Dutch, English, French, Spanish, Germans and Americans and the series of wars fought on Africa's soil, and the subsequent four centuries of resource looting and political carnage caused by absentee governments and racial oppression basically combined to turn Africa into a toxic waste dump/civil nightmare with no hope of organically reaching stability." He paused, "If we had a chance to do that to another continent then we'd be in good shape."

The Doctor chuckled, "Why, the introduction of Christianity alone is enough to permanently cripple a nation. That's why the hunt for a new Africa to plunder must become a top priority. By our calculations most of the world has benefited from unrestrained seizure of Africa's human and natural resources, so we're confident that the discovery of another Africa to systematically decimate will ensure a bright future for this Africa."

Citizens of Africa, the original Africa, agree that the lack of a second Africa presents a serious problem on their path to modernization.

"The issue is simple," said Inequa Zuma of the Nigerian World Council, "we can not develop further without finding a continent similar to the condition of Africa about 600 years ago to totally dominate and plunder. Honestly, we'd be satisfied with a land mass the size of, say, India or China. That would work for us...as long as they are sub-literate and innocently living on top of vast mineral deposits. The puppet government/share-cropper method would still be a valid approach to their domination and our subsequent rise from poverty. Who knows, maybe Antarctica will melt and expose a primitive culture living in harmony with nature, whom can use as our personal forced labor pool. That would be perfect."

Zuma's aide whispered into his ear and he added, "Oh yeah, they have to be hard workers, almost genetically bred to perform cost saving manual labor and able to breed like rabbits to replace those who die of malnutrition and abuse. If you know of a continent like that then please contact us. I mean, it worked for everyone else so I don't see why it wouldn't work for us. You don't even know how much we'd benefit from 25 million slaves right now. We're one plundered continent away from being like the United States." Zuma held his thumb a fraction of an inch away from his index finger. "We're soooo close."

Zuma continued, "Otherwise, I don't see us moving much further [on the path to modernization]. We promise to commit tons of development aid to the new continent once we have fully modernized, but only after they have raised their standard of living on their own to the point where they can buy our obsolete armaments and technological waste. That's only fair."

When asked how the new continent would be divided among present nations, Zuma shrugged and replied, "Is that really pertinent? Whatever arbitrary lines we draw on a map will be reasonable. They [the newly discovered people] will eventually adjust. The important thing is that they are close enough geographically to facilitate our economic development quickly, you know, like in the case of the Dutch, English and Americans. We don't have a lot of time to waste. Everything else will work itself out."

At press time, no undiscovered continent that fits Africa's description in the year 1400 had been located and, not coincidentally, modern Africa remains the most impoverished continent.
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.