Friday, October 21, 2011

Desperate Plea for Help

Housework For Place to Camp in My Van - $1 (Portsmouth)

Date: 2011-10-21, 4:55PM EDT
Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]

I'm living in my van to save money and to revolt against an elite capitalist culture, but the Walmart parking lot has recently passed a Jim Crow law evicting those dwelling in vehicles and soon a winter parking ban will ensure I become close friends with a tow truck driver. In rural Canada I did not feel like a fugitive nor was I treated like a suspicious predator, but this status unfortunately does not apply to urban New Hampshire where minds are as closed as the Memorial Bridge, periodically opening to allow conservative brainwashing to pass through to the dry salt piles of their consciousness. Alas, that is where you come in, my savior, my open minded rebel! I've got more skills than I can list but I guard them against abuse. If Pride-fullness were an Olympic sport I would win a gold medal. If you speak to me as a service worker/landscaper/pool cleaner/painter then the next sound you hear will be the engine of my van roaring to life and driving me away. Yes, we have all grown accustomed to hiring carpenters so we can bad-mouth them at the next cocktail party, but I'll not be a punchline in anyone's stale joke. Check out the resume section of craigslist for that ilk of laborer.
I am disillusioned with public schools, lean manufacturing, temp agencies addicted to drug testing and political fraud. CEOs can scam 40 million dollars worth of pension funds and get two weeks in jail but if you live in your storage unit and smoke pot then you will be hunted by dogs through a swamp and tasered until your balls explode. You'll be in jail 6 months waiting for the DA to decide what to charge you with. I wish I was making it up but all the symptoms of cultural collapse appear in the news every day.

I want to reinvent America in the image of rural Canada. If you want to help me by allowing me to live in my van in your backyard/field/geodesic dome then let's talk some treason.
Note: emails will be forwarded to FBI for security clearance. AND you will be drug tested at your own expense for the privilege of having me live in your backyard. I don't want to live with no stoners!
If you ask me nicely I'll rake your lawn and help you install a mosaic tile floor in your bathroom and get that piece of shit '75 Mustang in your garage running again. Videography on demand! Skilled Cooper and Cod Fisherman! I can do everything except swallow my pride!
  • Location: Portsmouth
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

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Jim Crow Laws Rule Seacost

Let it be known that when every employer demands I piss in a cup to have it tested for cocaine or pot or crystal meth then THIS IS EVIDENCE OF A POISONED SOCIETY. It's like people testing water for cholera before drinking it. Hey! Maybe address the root of the problem and not what fluid is coming out of my cock! Like, maybe think twice about opening the Texas border to Mexican truck drivers who only survive by snorting crystal meth and taking bribes from cocaine cartels to smuggle cocaine to Dallas. I think determining whether I have personally snorted cocaine in the last few weeks (and thus determine my eligibility to shred paper) is too far down the food chain to make a difference. I wonder if employers think this is working to eliminate drug users from society. If they are that stupid then I question if they are smart enough to employ me.

I am so puzzled by the job market today. It's dog eat dog with temp agencies taking over the role of hatchet man and piss tester for lean manufacturing jobs that pay just enough to ensure starvation and then be shocked when an employee quits after three weeks. THEY MADE ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY SOME MORE COCAINE. THEY DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE AND THEY STILL RESENT BUYING THE BLADDER CLEANSE SO THEY PASSED THE PISS TEST. The temp agency blames the shiftless employee while taking $5 of every $10 the employer pays. HOW IS THIS WORKING? It seems that, again, the middleman gets paid to do a shitty job while the employer constantly retrains revolving stoners and the stoners cycle through dead end temp jobs. During my time (2 months) packing Hockey equipment, I witnessed about a dozen different people 'trained' to do the job. 3 lasted longer than me, 7 vanished and two were arrested for theft of hockey equipment. Congratulations, America! You know who should've been fired? THE FUCKING TEMP AGENT! Lately, I've seen a dramatic decline in the performance of temp agents. I wonder if they are hired through another temp agency to be temp agents? And so on and so forth until we all have our own temp agencies hiring robotic surrogates of ourselves to pretend to be bosses so we can hire each other and rub a dub dub like rubes in a tub.

Oh, I'm beaten down by it all. When the nation is addicted to Fox media then those who think it is crazy will be the crazy ones. The paradigm will always lean toward the greatest majority no matter how sickly depraved. Everyone wants to stick it to The Man but all I see is a ton of talk by big mouths chewing Big Macs. Television manufactured a generation of apathetic junkfood addicts and we really do deserve to be Chinese servants. When the Red China flag is raised over downtown Portsmouth I'm sure everyone will be watching it on Fox television with a bag of neon marshmallows in their lap and a dialysis machine at their side.

Another Jim Crow law that has recently been passed is the "No Overnight Parking" signs I see everywhere. They were not prevalent in Canada but in Corporate America you will soon have to take a piss test to buy the steroid injected fried chicken at the Walmart Hot Deli. SAVE THE FETUS STARVE THE BABY TEST THE HIPPIE FUCK THE PEOPLE
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.