Friday, October 21, 2011

Desperate Plea for Help

Housework For Place to Camp in My Van - $1 (Portsmouth)

Date: 2011-10-21, 4:55PM EDT
Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]

I'm living in my van to save money and to revolt against an elite capitalist culture, but the Walmart parking lot has recently passed a Jim Crow law evicting those dwelling in vehicles and soon a winter parking ban will ensure I become close friends with a tow truck driver. In rural Canada I did not feel like a fugitive nor was I treated like a suspicious predator, but this status unfortunately does not apply to urban New Hampshire where minds are as closed as the Memorial Bridge, periodically opening to allow conservative brainwashing to pass through to the dry salt piles of their consciousness. Alas, that is where you come in, my savior, my open minded rebel! I've got more skills than I can list but I guard them against abuse. If Pride-fullness were an Olympic sport I would win a gold medal. If you speak to me as a service worker/landscaper/pool cleaner/painter then the next sound you hear will be the engine of my van roaring to life and driving me away. Yes, we have all grown accustomed to hiring carpenters so we can bad-mouth them at the next cocktail party, but I'll not be a punchline in anyone's stale joke. Check out the resume section of craigslist for that ilk of laborer.
I am disillusioned with public schools, lean manufacturing, temp agencies addicted to drug testing and political fraud. CEOs can scam 40 million dollars worth of pension funds and get two weeks in jail but if you live in your storage unit and smoke pot then you will be hunted by dogs through a swamp and tasered until your balls explode. You'll be in jail 6 months waiting for the DA to decide what to charge you with. I wish I was making it up but all the symptoms of cultural collapse appear in the news every day.

I want to reinvent America in the image of rural Canada. If you want to help me by allowing me to live in my van in your backyard/field/geodesic dome then let's talk some treason.
Note: emails will be forwarded to FBI for security clearance. AND you will be drug tested at your own expense for the privilege of having me live in your backyard. I don't want to live with no stoners!
If you ask me nicely I'll rake your lawn and help you install a mosaic tile floor in your bathroom and get that piece of shit '75 Mustang in your garage running again. Videography on demand! Skilled Cooper and Cod Fisherman! I can do everything except swallow my pride!
  • Location: Portsmouth
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

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Creative Commons License
Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.