Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Good Ideas or Maybe Oggy Babbling Again

I've been watching TED Talks instead of chewing my sanity down to the nub by reading CNN. And while most of the people put a spin on old ideas it's still interesting.
So I'm going to give you a few ideas I'd talk about for my TED talk.

1) Hire an all women construction crew. Men aren't dumb but they wantonly destroy their bodies while using construction methods that the ancient Egyptians would laugh at. Maybe some things can't be done easily...or maybe men think it's faster to get arthritis in their hands than brainstorm an easier method. Babies will eventually be raised in tubes like vegetables, thereby relieving women of the pain of labor. But men will continue to shovel dirt for 11 hours or spend two days building the wrong thing in the wrong place. I say hire a crew of all women and give them an unlimited expense account and unlimited time. I don't know what new procedures they would figure out to move hundreds of steel bars but I'll bet it will involve getting the trailer as close as possible to the place they belong. Maybe even designing a truck that will fit in the place they belong rather than shipping them on any old truck. You know, put some thought into it. Women simply have no choice to work smarter and not harder. If men gave birth we'd claw the baby out of our bellies after 7 months ("saving 2 months") and then spend a year in a rehab hospital bragging about it. If I'm ever wheelchair bound I'll start a disabled contracting crew. Stephen Hawking will be our spokesperson. "Smarter, not Harder" will be our motto.

2) Co-ed sports. I've heard all the arguments about men and women not competing against each other and the lamest one is "Women are smaller and aren't as good at sports like football." The easiest rebuttal is that women haven't even been referees in NFL games, let alone players. So why is a referee's weight going to make a difference? Could a woman be a video review ref? Would her tits get in the way of watching a television replay? There's no argument so stop it. It's been traditional to be sexist for so long that I actually think people aren't even sexist anymore. They're simply traditional...and that tradition is are sort of sexist without knowing why. It's lazy. My feeling is strongly that if a woman wants to box Mike Tyson (and hopefully kick his ass) then why would rules prevent that matchup? Any and all sports should be co-ed. There isn't one sport that a woman wouldn't eventually compete in as well as a man. Hey, did they ever line up Jerry Rice opposite Lawrence Taylor? No. Is it because Jerry Rice was a woman? No. Taylor would break him in half. So, don't line up a woman opposite a hulking free safety. The rules protect quarterbacks more now than ever but Tom Brady folds like a wet napkin under the slightest pressure. I think a woman could do that too, for less money. My feeling is that we can not segregate by rule as it's silly. These are sports...for entertainment. Who cares? 5'7'' 132 lb Spud Webb competed against 6'9'' Magic Johnson. So why are women not given the same opportunity? A sexist tradition that is boring. Like, why is volleyball segregated by sex? Or Golf? It makes no sense.

3) Performance enhancing drugs are a myth. Curt Schilling benefited from a surgery to his ankle that no previous pitcher had ever least not a day before his start in a World Series game. Tommy John surgery is not called "Cy Young surgery" because it wasn't invented when Cy Young was pitching. How many pitchers in 1930 would've had an extra ten years from that surgery? Weight training for Ted Williams in 1941 involved going into the Navy. Was ibuprofen available to Ty Cobb?  Modern athletes benefit so much from modern medicine and modern training that it's unrecognizable to the climate of early ballplayers. I think Yogi Berra sold cars in the off season because he had bills to pay. Someone takes human growth hormone. Ok. They also drink milk enriched with all kinds of vitamins. The 1924 Yankees probably drank cow milk straight from the tit. Unless we are all going to use bats and balls identical to the ones used in 1890 then forget about performance enhancement. Players know the risks and all the records are a sign of the times. They aren't fake. Barry Bonds hit the most home runs of his era. Hank Aaron hit the most home runs of his era. Steroids were one of the causes that Bonds hit more. Aaron had enhancements over Babe Ruth. Heck, Ruth didn't compete against black players! Was his record therefore legitimate? Yes, for his era. These aren't advantages...because they played in different eras. There was a time when teams traveled by train and bus. Do planes give modern players an advantage? Millions of dollars are involved so players will always try to find an edge, such as nice beds at their hotels. They are concerned for their current careers and not re-creationist history in olde timey uniforms and gloves made from canvas bags stuffed with cotton. They should be encouraged to be voluntary guinea pigs because it's part of human adaptation. The problem comes when Lance Armstrong then has to lie about doing something that is actually an incredible advance in medicine. THE DUDE HAD CANCER! GIVE HIM A BREAK! Whatever Armstrong did should be readily available in a bottle for all oil field workers. WE NEED IT. If it works as good for us then Armstrong should get a fucking medal. My only complaint is that they should not waste that kind of treatment on people riding bicycles in circles. I pass a field of migrant spinach pickers everyday who are dying for a blood dope. But no. They get bottled water and a bag lunch. But a guy riding a bicycle from point A to point B gets high tech boost? (I get tons of shit yelled at me when I ride a bike.) This makes no sense. Is spinach not more important?

4) Rambo Prequel: Am I the only person who wants to know what went on during John Rambo's tour in "Nam? (I should write a review of this for kicks.)
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.