Sunday, March 28, 2010

Area Dog Happy To Spend Extra Hour With Owner Every Sunday

Rascal, a three year old fixed Spaniel reported feelings of elation this past Sunday.
"On average I get to spend thirty minutes a day with [owner] Ted," said Rascal as he alternately licked his anus and penis sheath. "But on Sunday he takes me to the dog park and when the weather is nice we go to the beach. That can add an extra hour to our time together and I really cherish it."
Resigned to spend the majority of his time on earth sleeping or awaiting a meal or snack, Rascal has few complaints.
"The food issue is always a concern," said Rascal gesturing his muzzle toward an aluminum bowl marked Dog. "For two years I've had basically the exact same portion of the exact same dry, detestable corn and salt flavored pellets. Whoever invented that stuff definitely wasn't a dog. But," continued Rascal, "what are you gonna do? Ted literally and figuratively throws me a bone once in a while know. I was taken from my mother when I was a month old. I never knew my father or my eleven siblings. They could be dead for all I know. Am I gonna bitch all day? Nope. I eat it, keep my mouth shut and wait for Sunday. That one incident with the cat next door has been cleared up. We're all good."
Rascal's owner scratched him behind the ears and Rascal pawed the air in joy.
"That's the stuff," said Rascal. "This is heaven. Sundays are the best!"

Magazine Pitch

I was at the library looking at all these magazines and I thought that between myself and a few other people we have the staff to make an online magazine. I mean, what would be easier than five people having access to one blog and all of us contribute stories based on topical or irrelevant issues. I know everyone expects me to wither away in poverty forever but seriously, I just watched Braveheart and it's time to cave in, to sell out, to trade my convictions for some big mac hamburgers.
So, my plan is to sell advertising space on the site. Hell, we can call it
For example, go to Moes sandwiches, and get them to pay for our custom ad that we will put on our page. Give them a 75 cent coupon so they know it works. Etc. I've already been giving them free exposure. I know just the person to pose for an ad with a sandwich in his hand. Eddie? You got something better going on?
The content itself will obviously be naked girls and fart jokes, my specialty.
Because, I'll be honest, some of the puff articles I just read in Time magazine were not worth reading. "Football is hoo...brain injuries....what Obama can learn from Reagan...growing old sucks....etc." really, if you are paying for Time then you are getting ripped off. Those writers must've learned their trade at Disposable University whose motto is: Forget what you're reading as you read it.
Terrible. And who buys ad space? Asthma pharmaceuticals and Cock medicine and something called lipitor and Eukanuba dog food. There's a page long ad (article) about the iPad that might as well be written by Steve Jobs himself he's got his cock so deeply embedded in the writer's ass. "Jobs delivers the goods." Yeah, right up your ass! This is impartial?? No. It's Time Magazine. Their Motto is "It's Time To Buy an iPad."
It wouldn't take much to be more creative. No spoof articles like the onion but things like book reviews. lawn status. Bird watching. little league baseball coverage with analysis and interviews. Like really treat Little League seriously. How funny would that be? The people who really matter in the community, the kids, being taken as seriously as a 30 year old Dominican Republic millionaire athlete. Imagine! When was the last time Big Papi cried when he struck out? Now that's drama. I don't think subversive media has any market so I'd keep all that shit here where no one reads it. But the interesting stuff about local events could actually be marketed.
It's just a thought.
Creative Commons License
Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.