Sunday, August 30, 2009

calling all directors

I would like to take part in a documentary. it is simple. I want to take the iphone out of existence because it is my belief that it (and hannah montana) are destroying the habitat of the arctic wolf. this seems too obvious to need explanation. So I will be going to newfoundland either in my 1969 van or on a motorcycle or by take pictures of the wolf. and thereby show what we are destroying with electronic nonsense. now, I can't really get the word out with my blog because only 4 people read it and they all hate me and my beliefs. in fact, they probably all have iphones and read my blog on the iphone and laugh when I suggest they give it up for the wolf. Well, it's time to get the word out in another way. I want an independent film maker to follow me on my journey to the opposite corner of the continent. from los angeles to Newfoundland. and hopefully in the next few months the iphone will be systematically decomissioned and abandoned and boycotted, heralding in a new age of wolf friendly living. that's my plan. but I want it all filmed. I can pay you nothing except some food if you ask nice. but if this sounds like a good idea for a film then get on board because I leave for newfoundland on friday. This is the beginning of the end for the iphone (and hannah montana) and you should get in on it now. this will only take three months before the iphone is gone. no, I am not a Borat impersonator. I actually believe this and I will walk the walk. this country does not need someone to go out of their way to make a satire of it. christ. look around. it's a disaster. but the wolf is innocent. completely innocent and must be saved. help me help the wolf. email this was inspired by another email I sent to a friend...
, you need to settle down.
just relax and breath.
I just went through several days of manic behavior with Crazy D. VERY MANIC.
saying things like, "I want to die, Oggy. I really want to die...wait, I've got
a text message...I don't want to die...what should I say? Tell me tell me tell
me. No that's no good. I'm going to tell him I want to have all his
babies...there...omg. what have I done? I want to die I want to die. why did you
make me send that text message? You are the worst. I'm sorry. I  just want to
die. Derek! Get OUT OF THE STREET! HELP ME!"

it was difficult to be around. if I could have a slow motion video of the three
of us walking down the street it would make everyone laugh. I was wearing an
extremely loud Indian silk shirt...necklaces...a pork pie flying
around, waving my arms and sayin, "The media controls everyone!". Green cargo
pants and Mexican slippers. Diana was shuffling along in a too tight green
embroidered t shirt and black skirt whilst texting and intermittently crying.
Derek was spazing out and lurching along with a He Man lunchbox and USC baseball
hat. The most normal one of us was the chubby chihuahua dog, Wally, who was
trying to escape. It was quite a sight. everyone cleared the way. Long BEach has
a lot of freaks but we took first prize that day. FIRST PRIZE.

I drove back here because I was spinning my wheels in Mexico. It's nice there. I
might go back. But I really want to see Fall in Newfoundland, Canada. I feel it
calling to me. I Got to see my mom in los angeles before she went to australia.
Now I'm surrounded by fires burning los angeles. And this house has one dog with
a gigantic tumor on his leg. and many ants and rotting food in the refrigerator.
George is alive. he happily showed me his new false teeth.

I think the lesson in life is attitude. THere were smart and quick people in
mexico reduced to pedaling a bicycle taxi around cabo san lucas so they could
make money to send to another part of mexico to support the children they don't
see. But they were happy. They seemed happy and content. maybe they had friends
nearby. or they were philosophic about their situation.

Moving is hard no matter what. if you know of a boys club or shelter you could
go drop those bikes off there. Maybe they will be used by crank dealers or maybe
some kid will get a bike. But $30 to $50 is about right.

I'm looking for ride share people to go to canada, through Dallas or denver or
St. Louis or NEw York. It is slightly insane but I can't sell my van because it
is 40 years old and it seems no one wants a 40 year old car. I wonder why. But I
have all these tools and a vintage moped in it that I want to take and two
guitars. It is worth driving or at least attempting to drive across the country.
I'm not sure this plan looks good on paper or in reality. But the other option
would be to accept a job counting car parts...and that isn't going to happen.
people asked me if I wanted to get married. I would laugh and put the bong down
on a ledge inside my van and say, "Let's have a reality check. I LIVE IN A VAN.

It's funny because I actually met the kind of woman who would marry me in my
present situation. She was an ex stripper...a junkie...two kids (both
junkies)...who were all living in her broken down van in Mexico...and she loved
me. So, that was kind of a knife in the belly. I don't want to live in a van
forever. I want a piano.

Ah, I'm watching a thing about electronic waste in china. illegally exported
from the U.S. 7 out of 10 children have lead poisoning in parts of china. it's
unsettling but it is all connected. I don't want to contribute to children dying
in china or polar bears dying in the north pole. But i'm a minority. I posted
something about this and it didn't get much action.

so, , here is my advice, some advice someone gave me in Mexico. "Just take
care of step A. Don't worry about Step B until Step A is complete." You sort of
have to know what direction you are going in, but I think your values are
already set...and so are your skills. So that's it. You know what you want to do
so you can take some steps to get there. There is a safari park in Mexico that I
heard about. no cages. maybe there is one you can apply to. You are a wildlife
biologist, right? With an advanced degree? That's gotta open some doors. just
pull yourself together and don't get dragged down by the petty details of life
like broken bicycles. Look what a mess I am. it is all because I got dragged
down by the petty details. I just can't believe how ignorant and selfish people
are. So few people actually care about anything except the next ten years. I
mean, the arctic wolf is completely fucked and no one cares. What can I do to
save the arctic wolf. I'm serious. I think they live in newfoundland. do they? I
want to go there and take pictures of one so I can show people what the iphone
is destroying. The arctic wolf is such a noble animal and it is being killed off
because people want to forward dirty jokes with their iphone. it's gross. so i'm
going to go take pictures of the arctic wolf. even if it makes no difference it
will make me feel better.

So that's my new Step A. Save the wolf. ok, maybe that's not step A. Step A is
actually making sure the spark plugs in my van still work. maybe getting new
tires so I don't die. But saving the arctic wolf is part of the big picture.
unfortunately I think the Iphone and the arctic wolf are mutually exclusive. and
no one is going to throw their iphone away. but I'm going to do it anyway. do
you have any advice?

6 0f 9

That was my name today. "6 of 9"
nine temp workers were hired. I was the 6th to show my face at the ford dealership.
In the future these tasks will be done by robots. and the robots will not take over the world, as my dystopian predictions insist. No. THe robots will do their job and the humans will clean up the small things like paper clips that fall where the robot arm can't reach.

one of the theories of reality has it that we are actually super micro computers processing information for our creator, another slightly larger computer, who has outsourced his job to us. And he was supposed to be processing information for another larger computer, who got lazy and outsourced it to our creator...and so forth. IF that is the truth then what exactly is the nature of Ken H's beloved chickens and goats? What are they? Do they serve some larger purpose to our directive?
I can't answer that. Maybe a smarter man can...

"Time and space and gravitation have no separate existence from matter. ...
Physical objects are not in space, but these objects are spatially extended. In this way the concept 'empty space' loses its meaning. ... " (Albert Einstein, 1950)

THis will lead one to some bleak existential outlook...if one is not careful.
It is better to think of these matters while eating ice cream...or after sex...or under water. In fact, I resolve to only dwell on these metaphysical/gravitation/theological matters when I am under water. Only during the time that I am holding my breath and fighting the loss of gravity and threat of death should I allow myself to think of the nature of existence. Are we microcomputers processing information for a larger entity that has merely found the cheapest labor pool? Are we all 6 out of 9?
See, I am not under water right now so this is very very dangerous. I run the risk of messing up the unseen client's profitability margin. What an asshole I am. I should be fired...or furloughed...or exterminated. Maybe I will be.

I was running the moped around Santa Monica today. the 1974 vespa ciao. only one of its kind. Racing it in circles around PAris Hilton and her puppies. THe police eyed me as an obvious dissident. I stared straight ahead. Keep calm, I told myself. Don't look them in the eye. Don't let them smell fear. The light turned and off I went. no helmet. that will get me in trouble. But I was not thinking of existential root natures and such, I was thinking of a slice of pizza at Joe's pizza. I knew it was waiting for me and that's where I was going after counting car parts for Ford. I was 6 of 9. That is me. Number 6. Of 9. You are also a deriviative of a larger number. Welcome. Take you badge and grab a clipboard. No need to clock in. It is all done by computers. You simply count. Process the information and then we set you free. They did not appreciate my american flag bell bottom pants. Why should they? They threaten everyone. They are not part of my directive. I am malfunctioning. My morning went like this...

"EcZc - 45tp88-AA"
EcZc- 45tp88-AB"

Please post your theory of existence below. I sort of believe we are random particles in a petri dish. Any greater meaning has been manufactured to prevent insanity from setting in. We are actually just supposed to breed more information processors. Number 7 of 9. 8 of 9. 6 million of 45 billion. 200 billion of a trillion. There is no telling how many employees there are. The media describes fires and assassinations. Then we get back to work or drinking or swimming. You see? Swimming. That is the only place I should be allowed to ponder the meaning of life. It is just scary to do it while breathing. It makes people nervous. But if you are swimming or under water or taking a bath and you think of a good theory of existence then please post it here. That will still count. You ponder it under water and then write it down. Then I ponder it under water and respond. That will work. Anyone?

los angeles countdown

Got the van reinsured...on the payment plan so when it explodes I don't lose all my money. Maybe the state will lift the suspension on the thing next week. I'm not sure it will be a bad thing if it vanishes one night. As long as I can have my guitars.
But it turns out the east coast has some nice CB 750s too. Has anyone looked at the road to Newfoundland? It's more remote than the road to Cabo San Lucas. I mean, it is a long way from a spring break destination. No joke. That's a road made for a cb750. no trucks. no towns. no people. But the winter starts in about three weeks so there is no time to sign autographs for my admiring fans.

I'm off to sleep now so I can get up and do some work in the morning. trying to round up two people to go east is harder than just doing the work myself and paying all the gas. There are people going east but they all want to "be safe" and "get there on time" and "Not be killed." insane things like that. I say, my friend, Los Angeles is an unsafe place. America is falling apart. If you want to be safe then hide in your room. I have about a 50/50 chance of making it to Indiana. The van absolutely screams Hippie. And texans don't dig on that at all. Sasha Baron Cohen thinks he has the market cornered on spoofs but I am the real deal. A true dissident in his own country...and the only people who don't care are either tweaked on crystal meth or stoned and living on the beach. Even homeless vets hate me. No one likes a free individual...especially on the street sleeping next to their house.
I'm an American and a survivor and I'm not going nowhere.
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.