Tuesday, November 2, 2010


Two inch stove pipe is as hard to find as white meat chicken salad. After some investigation this stove I have will only work properly with stove pipe attached. Don't ask me why an empty hole won't draw air, but it doesn't. The fire goes out when I put the lids on. But with pipe there is suction and oxygen and the air doesn't fill with smoke around my crusty eyes.
I'm excited and hesitant as another episode of A&E's "Intervention" has me wondering if I've taken Al Gore's words too seriously. Shouldn't I ignore Lester Brown's "sky is falling" prophecy? I could get stoned and work at the robot factory like the other employees. I might even own a mobile home in a few years at the rate of $40 a week. Not bad. But I'm unsatisfied with that future and so launch into an unprecedented voyage in a stove-equipped 1969 Econoline van into the tundra of Quebec and Labrador. I've heard rumors of these places but never seen them with my own eyes and I've learned those are the only way I learn anything. Still, is my gallivanting a cry for help or is the vacuum of silence I hear in response to my plea for the Arctic Wolf proof that it is not I who needs to rectify his worldview? That's really what it comes down to. If there is a place on earth that does not raise wage slave puppets then that's where I want to be. If that is the natural end of Mankind then it is indeed me who has run aground on the sandy shores of philosophical extremes. Basically, are we truly at a turning point or have I amplified the dangers in my head and been brainwashed by Naomi Klein to the point that my cause has become my worst enemy? Because one answer has me alone in a padded wall. The other answer has me outside the padded wall looking in at Microsoft's obedient workers. Either way there is no return of my serve.

NTB final judgement

Returned to NTB and was granted a refund of the alignment cost. Cost of tires was not refunded and although I am not satisfied I have weak grounds to pursue this matter. I am the master of my vehicle. I know that their negligent action caused my tires to wear but I can't prove anything and tire warranties are generally given by % of tire wear remaining. So if I say that 3/4 of the tire is new then I'd get a 3/4 refund. But the reason I'm returning the tires is because 1/4 of the tire is completely done, which would get me a 0% refund...since I technically used the entire tire before returning it. This conundrum is easy for me to explain but would take a lawyer to prove.

And when they ask, "Mr. Bleacher, did you go to Freyburg, Maine to hike Bald Faced Mountain before or after you had a tire blow out, a seized bearing, and suspected the alignment was bad?"
I will stammer..."After."
"And how long of a journey was that?"
"Including my search for my lost youth?"
"About 200 miles."
"And did you make any other long journeys after you suspected the tires were wearing unevenly in the time when you made the discovery and returned for a second alignment adjustment at the defendant's shop?"
"You mean, like playing Golf in Wells? And driving to Hampton Beach? And taking to Nottingham and back to play the Gone With The Wind theme on a piano? And going to Exeter to flirt with a waitress?"
"Yes, those are the incidents I mean."
"Isn't it true that you realized the alignment was bad merely a few weeks and hardly 100 miles of wear on the tires?"
"It's true but..."
"And that means you drove 1400 miles on tires you knew were not aligned and are now blaming my client for your insousance."
"But I was WORKING."
"On your putting game...?"
"Isn't it true that you are a self abusive deviant who lives in his van and told my client that, 'I just want the alignment done. Don't give me any theories about loose bearings and shocks.' When in fact, you would end up spending hours and hours and $300 to determine something my client would have told you had you asked."
"Are these the actions of a responsible car owner?"
"Did you have doubts about my client's abilities?"
"Grave doubts."
"Yet you proceeded with the order."
"I thought I was doing the right thing."
"But you had doubts. Whose responsibility is the van?"
"Speak up, Mr. Bleacher. The jury wish to hear your mutterings."
"MINE! It's my responsibility. All Right. I'll pay for the fucking tires! I'll die in Labrador if that's what you want! Will that make you happy?"
"Let the record show that the plaintiff is clearly deranged and is looking for someone to blame for his early death."
Creative Commons License
Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.