Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Brian Doyle-Murray Sex Tape Leaked

An indifferent and embarrassed public tried to pretend they didn't hear about a grainy security tape containing footage of 67 year-old actor Brian Doyle-Murray having sex with an unidentified woman in a convertible parked in a garage.
"Not interested," said a man outside the Times Square Apple store.
"Who? What?" responded a confused woman before rushing toward the subway entrance saying she was "late for a meeting."
A man selling knock-off jewelry from a trenchcoat clenched his fists and threatened to punch the reporter if he so much as mentioned any details about the Doyle-Murray sex tape. "Kick [your] fucking ass is what will happen!"
The original owner of the tape, a valet from Pasadena, called the tape, "an unfortunate collision of human nature and capitalism." He has received death threats and was "just trying to cut [his] losses." The tape, he said, "has caused me nothing but grief."
Celebrity sex tape collector Jacob Denial of Cincinnati, Ohio admitted he was not immediately interested in obtaining a copy of the tape.
"God, fuck. It's times like this that I wish I had stayed in business school," said Denial. "This isn't what compelled me to collect sex tape memorabilia. Obviously. But I have a duty to my craft and I'm a bit of an OCD [obsessive-compulsive disorder] perfectionist so I guess...shit...I guess I have to buy a copy. Damnit!"
Denial swore again and said his friends might have a point that he's a fucking pervert.
"If that convertible top is closed then we're not having this conversation right now. Motherfucker! Why did this tape have to get leaked? Why?"
Before locking himself in his room Denial said the tape was not something he would personally watch, but that he would merely be putting it in his collection " be thorough. It's for the completion-ist, not the casual sex tape collector. Understand? This is not top-shelf stuff like the Paris Hilton or Jessica Alba tapes. No. Honestly, I don't even want it. Now, there is a rumored Vivien Leigh/Clark Gable sex film out there that I would love to get my hands on. It's the Holy Grail of my niche. Can we talk about that? Can we talk about anything know...this."
A spokesperson for Doyle-Murray released a sobering statement that hardly anyone read: "My client understands that his status as a celebrity necessarily affects his privacy, but you should still attempt to be decent people, you sick fucks. My client has sex. Yes. Lots of sex. Live with it."
The television program TMZ had no comment and an employee of Entertainment Weekly not authorized to speak on the behalf of the company said, "There are some lines you can't cross and this is one of them." She then said she had a Teach America interview to get to and walked soberly away.
Creative Commons License
Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.