Monday, March 8, 2010

Portsmouth. For Ken.

We gotta do this at the press room.

Walking between the tennis court and Leary field, two arms embracing the south mill pond. Kids out late swing in the dark, creaking through childhood on the rusty chains...two neat dents in the dirt beneath their feet. Mystic clouds pass across the big dipper. The grass is tan now, the first tulip bulbs poking through the loam, greener than the law allows, younger than us all. The north church is proud tonight, white, erect, sharply pointing to some spiritual north we all align ourselves with. There's a knitting circle at the library, hats and scarves and baby shoes created in good spirit. Downtown the young plod the brick streets with beer breath, calling taxis and following clues. The ducks on the mill pond group together to create a constellation of their own, the yang to the bright star's yin. The tide is low but the ducks find an island of water. Years ago the mill pond would stink at low tide but the local students have planted oyster beds and pollution eating weeds and now the air smells like mud and grass. March spring in the nose, not quite out of winter's reach but we're running now and gaining ground as the old man lurches north. Maybe one more storm will remind us where we live but we've got the upper hand now and those trees that survived last year's ice storm and this year's wind storm are the strong ones built to last. That's the thing about the dead, they make room.
We're on the wrong side of the sun, spinning out of control and the monuments that appear to stand forever in the daylight are ghosts at night. Even the light beneath the flag at the ball park is too dim to bring out the blood red of the cloth. Something is waving there, chained to the pole, whipping in the wind. It's a vision only the early sun will reveal.
Teachers working late at the Middle school trade thoughts in the dark. These caretakers of our future once handed me great works of literature, for free, vetted by their minds. Where would it take me? Would I read it at all? They couldn't tell. They plan and plan and the day comes and a kid has a cold. They proceed through the field planting seeds, watering, no time to check attrition rates, only time to demonstrate their methods.
Branches still clutter the sidewalks so I walk in the street, no traffic, easier to see my wide path home.

Responses and Lies

I'm just going to post the responses all in one place. I don't think bars have anything to worry about if this is representative of the craigslist singles scene. Oh my god, the lies and deceit. There should be a disclaimer before the CL posting box that says, "For entertainment purposes only!" because I'm pretty sure not one actual person read or responded to my personal ad...yet I've received dozens of responses. They are all deceptive attempts to get me to go to adult "Fuck Buddy" sites and sign in. Yeah, some 22 year old model in Calgary is lonely and wants to fuck a poor hippy living in NH. Sure. I'll fantasize about that tonight when I beat off.

Here's a few...the names are my favorite part. Srdjan Zhusche??? How the fuck do I pronounce that? A good vibe? Was it the lunatic part that turned you on? hahahaha. Absolutely hilarious.

"I was just perusing the posts, and had seen yours, maybe I picked up a good vibe... anyways. I've stopping fighting this serious need to be taken. It's a fantasy I need you to make into a reality. I get seriously wet when I think about this, and I have no words for the orgasm that ensues. I'm a 26 y/o woman and for the most part age doesn't matter, though I do prefer older men, say late 30's. I'm nonsmoker, d/d free and would ask the same of you. Can you make this happen? Write me at this place I heard about awhile back my name there is SrdjanZhusche and tell me how..."

Sorry, Srdjan, I have an unidentified virus I picked up from FUCKING ZEBRAS!

One from Gartie Teico...

"Hmmm well, I am 21 years old, only a short while ago gotten my very own apt and now I am lonely hahah...I would like to get some company once in a while! Not necessarily looking for any commitments, simply a guy that will please me the way a lady deserves to be. My close friends describe me as very seductive. I could awaken the desire in a gentleman and also even with a man as cold as ice. I am searching for someone that wishes to have a discreet evening encounter. Peek at my photos on MySpace Adult my username is GartieTeico. I would like to hookup for an hr or two during the evening to test and try out much more stuff. If you enjoy what you see cum and get me"

Don't hold your breath, baby.

"Thalia Payton
Hi There,

Your posting caught my attention

A little about me:
I am a Designer by profession and recently moved out from a long relationship
I am about 5'7.. hope you are taller :)
I Love to party

Email me if you would still interested


Jeez, you gave me so much to go on. Your personality just shines through that response. But sorry, I'm a dwarf. 3'8. BUT MY COCK IS TWO FEET LONG!! That's gotta count for something.

Here's one from a girl named Alexa Alexis. Yeah, that's a normal name.

"Hi I am shy and silly all at the same time. I enjoy laughing and talking although I am terrible on the phone - hopefully better in person. Hi I have a low stress level. I recently started working as a nurse in an intensive care unit. I will say though that yoga does wonders and I am learning to take it down a notch at work. Outside of work I love to be outside and go on various adventures. Id really like to find someone who is willing to be my friend first. Here's a pic...
Well, Alexa Alexis, if you want to be a friend first then why the fuck did you send me three year old pictures of your tits? What kind of friends do you have? Honestly, Alexa, I'm intimidated by twenty year old prostitutes. Call me crazy! Furthermore, if this is what you act like when you're shy then I never want to see you loosen up. Also, I don't associate with people who do yoga and other blatantly evil things.

Here's one that amuses me...
"Outgoing 29 y/o woman seeks caring gaming geek. What can I say? That's what I find interesting in a man. I'm a recent transfer from across the pond (Ireland), so if you have a thing for accents, that makes two of us. Only I think YOU are the one with the accent. ;) Write me back if you have any questions, or just swing by Adult My Space my name there is RehulDustieseg and check out my pictures. Hope to hear from you soon, k?"

Rehul Dustieseg??? Did your mom have a wad of chewing tobacco in her mouth when she named you? And you like gaming geeks? Are you crazy? Gaming geeks are the worst perverts in the world. You must be out of your mind. I've got a reputation to consider, baby. NO WAY! LOSE MY NUMBER!

Oh, if only relationships based on penthouse erotic spelling and cleavage were the cornerstone of love!

I saw (and liked) your ad. I think we might be looking for the same type of thing. Im a 28 year old female not in a relationship, drug free, just want to play. Let me know what you think. Jasmine

I think you can't spell, Jasmine, and you probably can't read either because I specifically wrote in my post that I love Mondays. How can you hate Mondays? If you say it with a Jamaican accent it sounds so cool. IN Spanish, Mande means "What?" It sounds just like Monday. IF you had sent me a picture of a nasty scar then I might be interested but I've seen tits before, Yawn!

Cheat w/ me... [[odd jobs - m4w (seabrook) Hey hon, are u into curvy gurls? Because I got plenty of junk in my trunk and looking for a sneaky NSA buddy while my husband is away for his work. I am a real lady but the question is...are YOU real? Hope u're not going to play games 'cuz I am over that crap. If you want me bad enough, check out my pics on the link and call me. My phone number is on there also. Hoping u're real...

PS : Due to bots I don't reply back to emails so just call me!"

Look, more tits!The troublesome thing is that the spam email people (assuming these women are in no way connected to the emails) are posing as shallow skanks. This one is married and wants me to get her off while her husband is gone. What kind of lowlife would follow that up? I guess that makes sense for a lonely man looking to get laid, but what is the percentage of follow through on these spam phishing emails? It's gotta be low. I'd go to Uganda to show them how to hook potential site users but their methods are repulsive. I feel like this is the world Steve Jobs is leading us toward. Cleavage and poisoned fish. Porn like this gives porn a bad name.

Angella sent me this pic of her ass cleavage. Yeah, Angie, we'd be perfect for each other.

Ah, they just go on and on. One person named Teoudarou Gartie wants to have my babies. Oh, it is so so amusing. I wonder if my ad appears like a just a highly paid scam to get people to go to a fuck buddy site. I do include the url which is suspicious. There is no telling...which is why it's just an exercise in writing. This is not a legitimate way to meet people. The trick is still to just do what you like and maybe you will meet someone you like. Or at least you'll get a free drink. I can see why they call babies miracles. I'm thinking they will be less and less common as long as lies and fuck buddy sites are the norm. One disturbing part is when I get an email from one nonexistent person who claims to be interested AND THEN the gmail announces that the same person has sent me another message and it becomes part of the original with a (2) next to it to indicate the person sent me two messages, but when I read the message the two messages are from "different" people...with the same source email account. You see? It's like many people in Nigeria are using the same service to send their fake spam and they don't communicate so when I receive two emails from the same person it turns out to be from different fake people trying to hook me with different pictures of different breasts. It's maddening and definitely fake. I would estimate that there are hundreds or thousands of people trying to funnel lonely people to fuck buddy sites. It's not Steve Jobs's fault but I still blame him because my campaign needs to have a brand.

Man Seeking Woman

Just as an experiment I have placed a classified ad on Craigslist NH. I've trolled the ads there a few times and the closest I came to responding to one was when I read the wine soaked sobbings of a single mother in the lakes region who actually titled her post "I'm so so Lonely." Here's a woman for me, I thought.

Mostly, it was an exercise in expository writing to see what would come out of my fingers if I were sober and trying to market myself as a sexual and or social being, which clearly I am not. Like, if I just freely associated my conception of a personal ad, what would I write? It's a fun exercise and while this will probably bring me grief it has led to this post, and writing something, anything, is my goal in life at all times. Whatever project I can create is good enough. There is no excuse not to write. So, tell me, ladies, how desperate would you need to be to respond to this ad? Yes, the picture below is part of my ad. I'm still wearing those clothes so why lie about it? Also, it metaphorically compares me to the non-fiction section of the library. I'm symbolically shelved in the biography section.

Wanna Date A Lunatic? - 39
Date: 2010-03-08, 12:58AM EST
Reply To This Post

My sense of humor will get me into trouble eventually so you might as well be exposed early. The truth is that I live in a realm of literature and so any relationship I might have with you, either real or imagined, will be translated into words AS THE RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPS. I can not stress how unusual this is for most people, including myself, but it's my nature. I will also shamelessly exploit anything I say to you in my blog, which you can visit I will not include your real name but any correspondence will be publicly analyzed...especially the email where you tell me never to contact you again.
Yes, I refer to myself as Marco and I sometimes live in a van. You got a problem with that?? I also refer to myself as Oggy sometimes. I'm pretty sure my real name is Mark.
Uh, I think the only requirement before you email me is that you read at least ten posts I wrote. You will be quizzed. Also, I am flat broke so if you want to go to that Brazos place in Portsmouth YOU CAN FORGET IT. We'll walk up to the window and do what I call "Window Eat." You can order anything you want off the menu. We'll pretend to eat there. "I think I'll have the prime rib." Then I'll make us some matzo pizza treats and peanuts. Wait, I just checked and there are no peanuts. I have some pecans but no nut cracker. Bring a nut cracker and I won't charge you anything for the matzo crackers. There's no cheese or sauce either so that basically means we'll eat some crackers and talk about the meal we would've eaten at Brazos. Boy, how awesome is that?

Am I looking for a date, actually? Probably not. Honestly, as I recently told a woman who asked me if I wanted to have kids, "I want to be the person who wants to have kids."
Does that make sense? I want to be the person who wants to go out on dates. So who am I now? Read the blog. I've included a picture just because it is traditional NOT to include a picture. Like you don't want to window shop? Don't lie. I'm posting here because for me it's different. I am different. For instance, I overheard a conversation a woman was having on a cell phone at Pic n Pay. "Which juice should I buy?" She asked. And I really never want to be the person on the other end of that phone. That's clear, right?
The first thing I do after I post this is to post it again on my blog and analyze it. I know, it's a real mystery that I'm single.

You now have three choices:
1. You can email me to say that "You thought my post was funny but you just don't think it will work out." which I will interpret as "I really love you and want you to move into my apartment as soon as possible."
2. You can email me to say we should meet in a public spot and "Have coffee" Which I will interpret as "I really love you and want you to move into my apartment as soon as possible."
3. You can alert craigslist that a lunatic is on the loose which I will interpret as..."I really love you..."

Either way, there's lots of fish in the sea though most have lethal levels of mercury in their blood.
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.