Monday, March 8, 2010

Responses and Lies

I'm just going to post the responses all in one place. I don't think bars have anything to worry about if this is representative of the craigslist singles scene. Oh my god, the lies and deceit. There should be a disclaimer before the CL posting box that says, "For entertainment purposes only!" because I'm pretty sure not one actual person read or responded to my personal ad...yet I've received dozens of responses. They are all deceptive attempts to get me to go to adult "Fuck Buddy" sites and sign in. Yeah, some 22 year old model in Calgary is lonely and wants to fuck a poor hippy living in NH. Sure. I'll fantasize about that tonight when I beat off.

Here's a few...the names are my favorite part. Srdjan Zhusche??? How the fuck do I pronounce that? A good vibe? Was it the lunatic part that turned you on? hahahaha. Absolutely hilarious.


"I was just perusing the posts, and had seen yours, maybe I picked up a good vibe... anyways. I've stopping fighting this serious need to be taken. It's a fantasy I need you to make into a reality. I get seriously wet when I think about this, and I have no words for the orgasm that ensues. I'm a 26 y/o woman and for the most part age doesn't matter, though I do prefer older men, say late 30's. I'm nonsmoker, d/d free and would ask the same of you. Can you make this happen? Write me at this place I heard about awhile back my name there is SrdjanZhusche and tell me how..."

Sorry, Srdjan, I have an unidentified virus I picked up from FUCKING ZEBRAS!


One from Gartie Teico...

"Hmmm well, I am 21 years old, only a short while ago gotten my very own apt and now I am lonely hahah...I would like to get some company once in a while! Not necessarily looking for any commitments, simply a guy that will please me the way a lady deserves to be. My close friends describe me as very seductive. I could awaken the desire in a gentleman and also even with a man as cold as ice. I am searching for someone that wishes to have a discreet evening encounter. Peek at my photos on MySpace Adult my username is GartieTeico. I would like to hookup for an hr or two during the evening to test and try out much more stuff. If you enjoy what you see cum and get me"

Don't hold your breath, baby.

"Thalia Payton
Hi There,

Your posting caught my attention

A little about me:
I am a Designer by profession and recently moved out from a long relationship
I am about 5'7.. hope you are taller :)
I Love to party

Email me if you would still interested

Mel"

Jeez, you gave me so much to go on. Your personality just shines through that response. But sorry, I'm a dwarf. 3'8. BUT MY COCK IS TWO FEET LONG!! That's gotta count for something.




Here's one from a girl named Alexa Alexis. Yeah, that's a normal name.

"Hi I am shy and silly all at the same time. I enjoy laughing and talking although I am terrible on the phone - hopefully better in person. Hi I have a low stress level. I recently started working as a nurse in an intensive care unit. I will say though that yoga does wonders and I am learning to take it down a notch at work. Outside of work I love to be outside and go on various adventures. Id really like to find someone who is willing to be my friend first. Here's a pic...
Well, Alexa Alexis, if you want to be a friend first then why the fuck did you send me three year old pictures of your tits? What kind of friends do you have? Honestly, Alexa, I'm intimidated by twenty year old prostitutes. Call me crazy! Furthermore, if this is what you act like when you're shy then I never want to see you loosen up. Also, I don't associate with people who do yoga and other blatantly evil things.

Here's one that amuses me...
"Outgoing 29 y/o woman seeks caring gaming geek. What can I say? That's what I find interesting in a man. I'm a recent transfer from across the pond (Ireland), so if you have a thing for accents, that makes two of us. Only I think YOU are the one with the accent. ;) Write me back if you have any questions, or just swing by Adult My Space my name there is RehulDustieseg and check out my pictures. Hope to hear from you soon, k?"

Rehul Dustieseg??? Did your mom have a wad of chewing tobacco in her mouth when she named you? And you like gaming geeks? Are you crazy? Gaming geeks are the worst perverts in the world. You must be out of your mind. I've got a reputation to consider, baby. NO WAY! LOSE MY NUMBER!

Oh, if only relationships based on penthouse erotic spelling and cleavage were the cornerstone of love!

"Hey,
I saw (and liked) your ad. I think we might be looking for the same type of thing. Im a 28 year old female not in a relationship, drug free, just want to play. Let me know what you think. Jasmine




I think you can't spell, Jasmine, and you probably can't read either because I specifically wrote in my post that I love Mondays. How can you hate Mondays? If you say it with a Jamaican accent it sounds so cool. IN Spanish, Mande means "What?" It sounds just like Monday. IF you had sent me a picture of a nasty scar then I might be interested but I've seen tits before, Yawn!



Cheat w/ me... [[odd jobs - m4w (seabrook) Hey hon, are u into curvy gurls? Because I got plenty of junk in my trunk and looking for a sneaky NSA buddy while my husband is away for his work. I am a real lady but the question is...are YOU real? Hope u're not going to play games 'cuz I am over that crap. If you want me bad enough, check out my pics on the link and call me. My phone number is on there also. Hoping u're real...

PS : Due to bots I don't reply back to emails so just call me!"

Look, more tits!The troublesome thing is that the spam email people (assuming these women are in no way connected to the emails) are posing as shallow skanks. This one is married and wants me to get her off while her husband is gone. What kind of lowlife would follow that up? I guess that makes sense for a lonely man looking to get laid, but what is the percentage of follow through on these spam phishing emails? It's gotta be low. I'd go to Uganda to show them how to hook potential site users but their methods are repulsive. I feel like this is the world Steve Jobs is leading us toward. Cleavage and poisoned fish. Porn like this gives porn a bad name.

Angella sent me this pic of her ass cleavage. Yeah, Angie, we'd be perfect for each other.

Ah, they just go on and on. One person named Teoudarou Gartie wants to have my babies. Oh, it is so so amusing. I wonder if my ad appears like a just a highly paid scam to get people to go to a fuck buddy site. I do include the url which is suspicious. There is no telling...which is why it's just an exercise in writing. This is not a legitimate way to meet people. The trick is still to just do what you like and maybe you will meet someone you like. Or at least you'll get a free drink. I can see why they call babies miracles. I'm thinking they will be less and less common as long as lies and fuck buddy sites are the norm. One disturbing part is when I get an email from one nonexistent person who claims to be interested AND THEN the gmail announces that the same person has sent me another message and it becomes part of the original email...like with a (2) next to it to indicate the person sent me two messages, but when I read the message the two messages are from "different" people...with the same source email account. You see? It's like many people in Nigeria are using the same service to send their fake spam and they don't communicate so when I receive two emails from the same person it turns out to be from different fake people trying to hook me with different pictures of different breasts. It's maddening and definitely fake. I would estimate that there are hundreds or thousands of people trying to funnel lonely people to fuck buddy sites. It's not Steve Jobs's fault but I still blame him because my campaign needs to have a brand.
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.