Monday, March 8, 2010

Man Seeking Woman

Just as an experiment I have placed a classified ad on Craigslist NH. I've trolled the ads there a few times and the closest I came to responding to one was when I read the wine soaked sobbings of a single mother in the lakes region who actually titled her post "I'm so so Lonely." Here's a woman for me, I thought.

Mostly, it was an exercise in expository writing to see what would come out of my fingers if I were sober and trying to market myself as a sexual and or social being, which clearly I am not. Like, if I just freely associated my conception of a personal ad, what would I write? It's a fun exercise and while this will probably bring me grief it has led to this post, and writing something, anything, is my goal in life at all times. Whatever project I can create is good enough. There is no excuse not to write. So, tell me, ladies, how desperate would you need to be to respond to this ad? Yes, the picture below is part of my ad. I'm still wearing those clothes so why lie about it? Also, it metaphorically compares me to the non-fiction section of the library. I'm symbolically shelved in the biography section.

Wanna Date A Lunatic? - 39
Date: 2010-03-08, 12:58AM EST
Reply To This Post

My sense of humor will get me into trouble eventually so you might as well be exposed early. The truth is that I live in a realm of literature and so any relationship I might have with you, either real or imagined, will be translated into words AS THE RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPS. I can not stress how unusual this is for most people, including myself, but it's my nature. I will also shamelessly exploit anything I say to you in my blog, which you can visit I will not include your real name but any correspondence will be publicly analyzed...especially the email where you tell me never to contact you again.
Yes, I refer to myself as Marco and I sometimes live in a van. You got a problem with that?? I also refer to myself as Oggy sometimes. I'm pretty sure my real name is Mark.
Uh, I think the only requirement before you email me is that you read at least ten posts I wrote. You will be quizzed. Also, I am flat broke so if you want to go to that Brazos place in Portsmouth YOU CAN FORGET IT. We'll walk up to the window and do what I call "Window Eat." You can order anything you want off the menu. We'll pretend to eat there. "I think I'll have the prime rib." Then I'll make us some matzo pizza treats and peanuts. Wait, I just checked and there are no peanuts. I have some pecans but no nut cracker. Bring a nut cracker and I won't charge you anything for the matzo crackers. There's no cheese or sauce either so that basically means we'll eat some crackers and talk about the meal we would've eaten at Brazos. Boy, how awesome is that?

Am I looking for a date, actually? Probably not. Honestly, as I recently told a woman who asked me if I wanted to have kids, "I want to be the person who wants to have kids."
Does that make sense? I want to be the person who wants to go out on dates. So who am I now? Read the blog. I've included a picture just because it is traditional NOT to include a picture. Like you don't want to window shop? Don't lie. I'm posting here because for me it's different. I am different. For instance, I overheard a conversation a woman was having on a cell phone at Pic n Pay. "Which juice should I buy?" She asked. And I really never want to be the person on the other end of that phone. That's clear, right?
The first thing I do after I post this is to post it again on my blog and analyze it. I know, it's a real mystery that I'm single.

You now have three choices:
1. You can email me to say that "You thought my post was funny but you just don't think it will work out." which I will interpret as "I really love you and want you to move into my apartment as soon as possible."
2. You can email me to say we should meet in a public spot and "Have coffee" Which I will interpret as "I really love you and want you to move into my apartment as soon as possible."
3. You can alert craigslist that a lunatic is on the loose which I will interpret as..."I really love you..."

Either way, there's lots of fish in the sea though most have lethal levels of mercury in their blood.


Anonymous said...

maybe part of the problem with your CL post is that you are standing in the gardening (635), pets (636), cooking (641.5) and business (650) area of the Library. Maybe you should be in the 700's which is the arts or even in the 800's poetry, plays and literature. I think that would find you a real lady. swellesley

Julie said...

Dear Oggy,

I am finally getting a chance to sit and reply to your Craigslist ad which I thought was forthright and hysterical.

I have lost hours of my life reading your blog but I don't want those hours back. If reading your blog is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Oggy Bleacher said...

Short of getting a genetic map from your DNA, I don't know if you are a person named Julie or a spambot who is programmed to make that comment. Do we know each other?
Do you know you are the only one who actually reads these posts? I've been hired by Nascar to promote racing but I just cash the check and don't write anything about Nascar. Isn't that diabolical? If there's anything I can do to make your experience here more enjoyable then submit a request to

Julie said...

Seriously, would a spambot use the word forthright? If so, maybe I should have reconsidered my career choice.
I tried to respond directly to your CL ad but apparently it has been taken off. Lunatics on the loose oh my!
Your Craigslist ad said "read the blog" so I read the blog! I'm so glad I did (is that so hard to believe?). I mean, this is why you have a blog isn't it? I love Portsmouth for Ken (beautiful), The Nickel Incident, and I spit out my coffee when I read "did your mother have a mouthful of chewing tobacco when she named you?"
Call me crazy, but I actually took the bait and tried your email address. I know someone else who has an email address that ends in " so I thought hey what are the odds? I have put a friend request to you via Facebook to prove I am a "real" person. I love that bit in the Craigslist ads "I'm real so you be real too please". I'll be the judge of that asshole. If I had to do an ad my title would be "NH chick enjoys being aurally stimulated."

I am just a NH chick that was lucky enough to stumble upon your blog. It has helped me shake out the winter cobwebs and funk I was in (and not the good kind of 70's funk either). I am not a stalker(hurts the back).
Personally, I have thought for years that Nascar IS diabolical and I'm not so sure that yoga isn't blatantly evil.
Have a great day!

Oggy Bleacher said...

OMG! Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a real person. (applause) No computer program could include so many variables. It's like when they try to animate milk, animators say it is impossible. And to animate a person is also impossible...fuck you Bill Gates!
I do have an email address that is

I don't use my real name here...for some reason that I now forget. I think I'm trying to promote a character in a book I wrote.

I think we'll continue this conversation in the semi privacy of google email. (I like to write with the knowledge that some gmail security operative is screening my shit for terror related comments.)
welcome to Oggy in Wonderland.

Creative Commons License
Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.