Sunday, August 30, 2009

calling all directors

I would like to take part in a documentary.
it is simple. I want to take the iphone out of existence because it is my belief that it (and hannah montana) are destroying the habitat of the arctic wolf. this seems too obvious to need explanation.

So I will be going to newfoundland either in my 1969 van or on a motorcycle or by take pictures of the wolf. and thereby show what we are destroying with electronic nonsense.

now, I can't really get the word out with my blog because only 4 people read it and they all hate me and my beliefs. in fact, they probably all have iphones and read my blog on the iphone and laugh when I suggest they give it up for the wolf. Well, it's time to get the word out in another way.
I want an independent film maker to follow me on my journey to the opposite corner of the continent. from los angeles to Newfoundland. and hopefully in the next few months the iphone will be systematically decomissioned and abandoned and boycotted, heralding in a new age of wolf friendly living.

that's my plan. but I want it all filmed. I can pay you nothing except some food if you ask nice. but if this sounds like a good idea for a film then get on board because I leave for newfoundland on friday. This is the beginning of the end for the iphone (and hannah montana) and you should get in on it now. this will only take three months before the iphone is gone.

no, I am not a Borat impersonator. I actually believe this and I will walk the walk. this country does not need someone to go out of their way to make a satire of it. christ. look around. it's a disaster. but the wolf is innocent. completely innocent and must be saved.
help me help the wolf. email

this was inspired by another email I sent to a friend...

, you need to settle down.
just relax and breath.
I just went through several days of manic behavior with Crazy D. VERY MANIC.
saying things like, "I want to die, mark. I really want to die...wait, I've got
a text message...I don't want to die...what should I say? Tell me tell me tell
me. No that's no good. I'm going to tell him I want to have all his
babies...there...omg. what have I done? I want to die I want to die. why did you
make me send that text message? You are the worst. I'm sorry. I just want to
die. Derek! Get OUT OF THE STREET! HELP ME!"

it was difficult to be around. if I could have a slow motion video of the three
of us walking down the street it would make everyone laugh. I was wearing an
extremely loud Indian silk shirt...necklaces...a pork pie flying
around, waving my arms and sayin, "THe media controls everyone!". Green cargo
pants and mexican slippers. Diana was shuffling along in a too tight green
embroidered t shirt and black skirt whilst texting and intermittently crying.
Derek was spazing out and lurching along with a He Man lunchbox and USC baseball
hat. The most normal one of us was the chubby chiuauhau dog, Wally, who was
trying to escape. It was quite a sight. everyone cleared the way. Long BEach has
a lot of freaks but we took first prize that day. FIRST PRIZE.

I drove back here because I was spinning my wheels in Mexico. It's nice there. I
might go back. But I really want to see Fall in Newfoundland, Canada. I feel it
calling to me. I Got to see my mom in los angeles before she went to australia.
Now I'm surrounded by fires burning los angeles. And this house has one dog with
a gigantic tumor on his leg. and many ants and rotting food in the refrigerator.
George is alive. he happily showed me his new false teeth.

I think the lesson in life is attitude. THere were smart and quick people in
mexico reduced to pedaling a bicycle taxi around cabo san lucas so they could
make money to send to another part of mexico to support the children they don't
see. But they were happy. They seemed happy and content. maybe they had friends
nearby. or they were philosophic about their situation.

Moving is hard no matter what. if you know of a boys club or shelter you could
go drop those bikes off there. Maybe they will be used by crank dealers or maybe
some kid will get a bike. But $30 to $50 is about right.

I'm looking for ride share people to go to canada, through Dallas or denver or
St. Louis or NEw York. It is slightly insane but I can't sell my van because it
is 40 years old and it seems no one wants a 40 year old car. I wonder why. But I
have all these tools and a vintage moped in it that I want to take and two
guitars. It is worth driving or at least attempting to drive across the country.
I'm not sure this plan looks good on paper or in reality. But the other option
would be to accept a job counting car parts...and that isn't going to happen.
people asked me if I wanted to get married. I would laugh and put the bong down
on a ledge inside my van and say, "Let's have a reality check. I LIVE IN A VAN.

It's funny because I actually met the kind of woman who would marry me in my
present situation. She was an ex stripper...a junkie...two kids (both
junkies)...who were all living in her broken down van in Mexico...and she loved
me. So, that was kind of a knife in the belly. I don't want to live in a van
forever. I want a piano.

Ah, I'm watching a thing about electronic waste in china. illegally exported
from the U.S. 7 out of 10 children have lead poisoning in parts of china. it's
unsettling but it is all connected. I don't want to contribute to children dying
in china or polar bears dying in the north pole. But i'm a minority. I posted
something about this and it didn't get much action.

so, , here is my advice, some advice someone gave me in Mexico. "Just take
care of step A. Don't worry about Step B until Step A is complete." You sort of
have to know what direction you are going in, but I think your values are
already set...and so are your skills. So that's it. You know what you want to do
so you can take some steps to get there. There is a safari park in Mexico that I
heard about. no cages. maybe there is one you can apply to. You are a wildlife
biologist, right? With an advanced degree? That's gotta open some doors. just
pull yourself together and don't get dragged down by the petty details of life
like broken bicycles. Look what a mess I am. it is all because I got dragged
down by the petty details. I just can't believe how ignorant and selfish people
are. So few people actually care about anything except the next ten years. I
mean, the arctic wolf is completely fucked and no one cares. What can I do to
save the arctic wolf. I'm serious. I think they live in newfoundland. do they? I
want to go there and take pictures of one so I can show people what the iphone
is destroying. The arctic wolf is such a noble animal and it is being killed off
because people want to forward dirty jokes with their iphone. it's gross. so i'm
going to go take pictures of the arctic wolf. even if it makes no difference it
will make me feel better.

So that's my new Step A. Save the wolf. ok, maybe that's not step A. Step A is
actually making sure the spark plugs in my van still work. maybe getting new
tires so I don't die. But saving the arctic wolf is part of the big picture.
unfortunately I think the Iphone and the arctic wolf are mutually exclusive. and
no one is going to throw their iphone away. but I'm going to do it anyway. do
you have any advice?
Creative Commons License
Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.