A Century of Spin

Battle of the Somme: 100 years ago.

Reading the news today is like a test to see how much frivolous bullshit one can tolerate. CNN has adopted a habit of posting random, anonymous Twitter comments instead of interviewing real people on the street. We all know how Twitter brings out the best in us. That allows CNN to cherry pick the most infantile or dramatic or clever or literary quote to fit their rotten article. It got me thinking, "How would these illiterate fuckwad journalists who graduated from some diploma-mill like Brown write about events from 100 years ago?" I really am curious how someone who scours Twitter for snarky remarks about totally irrelevant events in 2016 would write about almost identical international news a century ago. 

Now, the Battle of the Somme resulted in 1,000,000 casualties over 4 months (yes, one million) so it's pretty high on the list of insane human events, but are events of 2016 much different? I think not. The 1916 Summer Olympics were scheduled (by some idiot) to be held in Berlin so they were cancelled because of an active war zone. Today, Rio, Brazil was deemed safe enough to hold the Olympics but Russia is militarizing allies for a land grab, Syria is in a Civil War, refugees are fleeing Africa by inflatable raft to countries that immediately criminalize their religion, America has been occupying oil production territory in Iraq and Yemen while ignoring blatant civil rights problems in distant barbarian cities such as Chicago and obviously dire flooding in other foreign lands not protected by the Constitution, such as Louisiana, while paying some $2 Billion to Iran for an arms deal that was intended to keep the despotic Shah in power back in 1979, but never happened because he was overthrown, but Iran had already paid for the arms so even though the 'buyer' from 1979 died a year later the U.S., for some reason, feels obligated to pay this money back, with interest, to a completely different terror supporting band of lunatics who now claim it is owed to them, the same people who tried to kill the original buyer whose goal was to squash the rebellion led by the parents of the people now demanding the money back. Makes sense. In 1916 a campaign was building to end alcohol production because it was an obvious health scourge and in 2016 there are more Heroin overdoses than births* But Heroin is already illegal because that law empowers municipalities to attempt to profit from suicidal, broke, drug junkies. Pretty smart!

Here is a list of actual events from 1916 - combined with generic spin from a modern day fuckwad journalist a'la CNN or Breitbart.

• Battle of Verdun is fought - A Pop singer in N.Y. complains that her summer house in Belrupt-en-Verdunois has been destroyed. Demands restitution.

• Mexican Rebel Pancho Villa attacks town in New Mexico - Woodrow Wilson claims this is proof that we need to build a wall between America and Mexico.

• Easter Rebellion in Ireland put down by British troops. - 10 Irishwomen in Boston refuse to wash any clothes manufactured in Britain for a week. They are denounced as Atheists. User #RemembertheMaine@'98 comments on Twitter "A Chink can wash clothes as good as any potato famine Cat-lick whore."

• Emma Goldman is arrested for lecturing on birth control in the United States. - Goldman is uniformly considered a slut but a small group defend her. She later accepts lucrative offers to pose nude.

• Voyage of the James Caird: an open boat journey from Elephant Island in the South Shetland Islands to South Georgia in the southern Atlantic Ocean (800 nautical miles (1,500 km; 920 mi)) undertaken by Sir Ernest Shackleton and five companions to obtain rescue for the main body of the Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition following the loss of its ship Endurance - Lurid rumors of homosexual orgies plague expedition. Financial sponsors flee.

• United States Marines invade the Dominican Republic - Florida rejoices as Banana prices plummet!

• U.S. President Woodrow Wilson signs a bill incorporating the Boy Scouts of America - Conservative pundits say this demonstrates failure of American family to perform first duty of preparing sons for war.

• In San Francisco, a bomb explodes on Market Street during a Preparedness Day parade, killing 10 injuring 40. (Warren Billings and Tom Mooney are later wrongly convicted of it) - Billings and Mooney were identified by web sleuths who later delete their accounts.

• U.S. President Woodrow Wilson signs legislation creating the National Park Service - Liberal Pundits announce this will lead to high price of admission at previously free parks. 

•  Mary, a circus elephant, is hanged in the town of Erwin, Tennessee for killing her handler, Walter "Red" Eldridge - "Pachyderm Lives Matter" activists boycott Tennessee. #JusticeforMary

• Margaret Sanger opens the first U.S. birth control clinic - Men nationwide breath a sigh of relief in private but denounce whorish behavior in public.

• The first 40-hour work week officially begins in the Endicott-Johnson factories of Western New York - 11-year old Derek "Nine-finger" Sullivan says he prefers the new hours. "It's like working half-time," says a smiling Sullivan from behind his bench.

I couldn't resist an insulting modern day meme.

*none of this is fact-checked

Sign of the Times

When I first heard a gorilla was killed to save a kid I thought, "Jesus Christ, what has Trump done now?"

One problem with predicting the absurdity of the future is trying to imagine something more absurd than the present.

NASA Readies Team to Retrieve Trump Images

Houston, Texas:

NASA has announced an emergency meeting to brief a top team of scientists in order to retrieve radio transmitted visual and audio data of Presidential Candidate Donald Trump from traveling further into Space, lest the data be intercepted by an alien life form and mistaken as representative Human behavior.

Gordon Thiel, director of NASA special affairs department announced that astronauts, radio engineers, physicists, and philosophers have been assembled to determine the best way to blockade images of Donald Trump posturing for the camera like an actor on Hee Haw.

Images like this, say NASA, must never be seen by aliens

"We're simply afraid that these images will be too much for an alien life form to fully comprehend and they will judge us based on this small selection of images and tasteless monologues and launch an immediate attack against us. Our morals committee has agreed that humanity's greatest threat right now is of an alien life form witnessing our slavish news coverage of this over dressed buffoon and mistakenly believing Trump is a worshiped demagogue who is beyond the reach of rational, emotionally healthy individuals. This alien life form may, in the view of our experts, believe that a culture that worships such an imbecile as Trump must be so dysfunctional and hopeless that they should be euthanized for the survival of the universe. It sounds far-fetched," said Dr. Thiel with a shrug and a smirk, "but unfortunately we don't see any alternative except to find a way to stop those images from going further into the universe. Call it censorship, call it New World Order. We honestly don't have any more time to waste because those digital broadcasts are traveling at the speed of light toward God Knows what hostile alien civilization just waiting for a reason to test their neutron bombs on an inferior life form. Obviously, Trump would be that reason."

The notion that the the Starship Probe Voyager would offset the balance of harm done by Trump's images was laughed off by assistant director Peter Donaldson. "No, the Voyager is traveling at a speed of 55,920 feet per second and will need nearly 20,000 years to realistically be intercepted by an alien life form. Trump's images may have already been viewed. We may be too late."

The Crew of Mission: Intercept

"Mission Intercept is ready to launch with the goal of harnessing the Sun's power to create a controllable black hole which will selectively suck back any broadcast tagged with Trump's meta-data. It's a lot of technical jargon but basically, it's our only hope. Unless someone else can come up with a better idea this is the direction we're going in right now. We can only pray the mission will succeed."

In response to the effect these images have on humans living on earth Donaldson winced. "We at NASA have moved on from trying to protect humanity from assaults by other humans. Our objective is to protect alien life forms from the effects of these toxic statements by this vile creature [Trump]."

When questioned about the Mission, unofficially called "Outer Space Dump Trump", Donald Trump himself said, "I like it! I donated a hundred dollars to NASA and it's good to see they are finally doing something with it. I just hope some of those astronauts are Democrats and they forgot to mail their absentee ballot. Ha! Vote Trump!" said Trump with the repulsive smirk and arrogant haughtiness he is known for.

Too True

This random phrase generator is pretty funny. It creased the corners of my lips for the first time in a dog's age. Reading about police killings reminds me of the countless cases of the police trying to antagonize me into self-defense, brandishing their guns, tasers, shouting, one getting me in a Junk Yard Dog wrist lock and neck slam that he felt sure would get me to react in a way that would justify an extrajudicial execution. But no, my back and shoulder pain prevent me from making any actions that would be viewed as 'aggressive' so they always let me go after getting the dogs to search my dirty underwear. I live the life that puts me into contact with bully cops on a regular basis so I'm very concerned that I will be tased, jerk erratically, and the cop will determine that my muscle spasms are actually me reaching for a button that will detonate a bomb in my ass, and so he will execute me 'to save himself'. It happens every day and no charges are filed. Slowly, the dissidents are being executed by public servants. Not by accident; by design.

But the phrase generator gave me reason to laugh again.

Here's one from Corporate slogans:
We will help to enable indexed solutions for today's profit-driven dot-com virtual corporations.

We are continually evolving, helping to enable indexed eBusiness solutions for today's pyramid-based corporations. 

From Financial slogans:
In the Asian market, plan to prorate lump-sum long positions.

Deferred systemic risks: in insolvent market segments, always insulate them.

Political Slogans:
Unlike myself, my opponent wants an America where tribal warlords and 24-hour news networks can undermine our hard-working neighborhoods.

Know this: that I believe in our Bibles, our powerful SUVs and our right to use up the world's resources.

Know this: that I will protect our McMansions, our right to shoot brown people and our judicial system.

Random headlines:
 8 Fascinating Needlepoint Tips From William Shatner

 Wine reviews:
Champs de Kairet mixes absurd smack flavors and a sinful gingerbread finish in their 1992 Bordeaux.

 I laugh because a Nicaraguan dairy farmer was asking me about America because he had heard stories of men migrating there to wash cars, and sending money home to Nicaragua, and I was trying to explain the real economy and imagine the scene with us sitting in a mud hut with no electricity far away in the old Sandinista rebel wilderness, a fire burning in the corner, cows mooing in the late evening breeze, we are both shucking beans for tomorrow's breakfast. And I say, in tortured Spanish,

"Jobs in America are jobs making software, applicaciones, to put your cat's photo in different geological locations."

He's incredulous, "My cat? Gato?"

"Yes, a gato...but not a real cat, a photo of a cat. A digital photo, not even something you can touch."

"A photo? Americans photograph their cats?"

"Oh yes, photographs, and video, sometimes whole documentaries. The cat is real, but the photo is never developed or printed."

"Videos of cats?"

"Yes, you take a photo of your cat, and take the photo and upload it to the software, and the software can change the expression of the cat's face. This is a very profitable idea in America. Americans trust and admire this kind of software. That is how to make money in America. Someone who washes cars would be looked upon as dirt, totally worthless, a slave. But an application to edit cat photos or generate odd, useless slogans is very profitable."

He grabs another bean pod to shuck the 4 pinto beans into a bowl that is slowly filling. "I do not understand."

A lightning bug flies by in the breeze. "I don't either."

 And when I read one of these random phrase generations..."We will continue to resell web-enabled business metrics for today's leading virtual eMonopolies" I laugh because they are a parody of a parody, but also true.

Here's one I wrote:
"Commoditization of keystone resources for salient underwriters is our specialty."

Song Meaning Still Eludes Appreciative Audience

Fans of the song "Wreck of The Edmund Fitzgerald" have debated for 4 decades about the meaning behind the lyrics and author, singer-songwriter Gordon Lightfoot, has been notably secretive about his intentions when penning the esoteric 1976 tune.
"It could be about anything," said Lightfoot during a 1987 interview. "Once I've completed a song I don't try to interpret it. I'll let the listener decide." 
Simon Duluth, the creator of a website dedicated to the mysterious song says the song has been linked to extra terrestrials, the demise of the United States auto-manufacturing industry, a romantic relationship ending and other theories. 
"The endurance of this debate can be attributed to the cleverly disguised meaning of the lyrics, "said Duluth, who grew up in Michigan. "For example, the line 'The searchers all say they'd have made Whitefish Bay if they'd put fifteen more miles behind 'er' has been linked to the Nixon administration and the NASA Apollo missions. I guess we'll never know exactly what Lightfoot was referring to, but it's fun to discuss."
Fans of the song defend their theories with long dissertations providing their evidence.
"Eddielover76" wrote, "If you count the syllables in the line 'and ev'ry man knew, as the captain did too, twas the witch of November come stealin' then you come up with the same number that was in a campaign speech by John F. Kennedy in 1960 which clearly points to a premonition of his own assassination.
The debate continues as the 40th anniversary of the song approaches and listeners are left only with the baffling lyrics such as "With a load of iron ore twenty-six thousand tons more, than the Edmund Fitzgerald weighed empty." These words could refer to Medieval dragon myths or the weight of responsibility that presses down on a new father, but until Lightfoot reveals the source of his inspiration then we'll never know for sure.

For the record, once again, I beat The Onion to this spin.

Hat Considering another Patch

A cotton hat with a hook and loop adjustment back may be getting a new look. Despite the objections of his parents and the likelihood of having authority figures looking down their nose at him, the hat wants another embroidered patch.

A growing trend? 65% of hats get embroidery decorations

Referring to the embroidered patch in the center of his head, "I figure once I have one [patch] and I know it doesn't hurt too bad, then I'll get another. I really want a unicorn."

Hat: "I think it looks good. I want another stitch."

"Every hat gets 'stitched'," said the hat, using the slang word for embroidery. "I wouldn't want my sister to get stitched, but that's her decision to make."
The hat's sister is a handbag.

"Do I care what others think? No. It's my choice. I think it looks good."

My Microsoft Help Paperclip Is Being Creepy

I turn him off but he keeps coming back!

Doesn't he know I'm trying to write a great novel. Fucking paper clip mocking me right in front of my face? What the fuck. I'm trying to write and I'm making progress and this fucking paper clip keeps popping up and it makes fun of me and jeers me. That gives me a good idea for a writing app....as you are typing you can set the paper clip to mock and jeer you or encourage you with comments that are customized for that genre. Like if you are writing a crime mystery then the paper clip could appear and it could say, "ISN'T TIME FOR A GUN TO APPEAR?". and down in the corner a thought bubble could appear over a sleeping paper clip "This is pretty boring. Write like you're in a dream, man. No one wants to hear about a song on a radio."

But in my case the paper clips mock me and encourage me but they're being facetious and untrustworthy. They are being inauthentic. I don't trust them. These fucking paper clips think they are so important? They pop up and mock me with their insolent sneering eyes. It really galls me. Irks and annoys me.

I'm having a contest for someone to illustrate a funny picture to put on my button. the winner gets to share in the riches that are generated from the sale of this button...

I Love You Button by Wearable_Oggy
Look at other Humor Buttons at zazzle.com

.

My Troubles Are Over

Finally, I get a break! I knew that my Uncle Dr. Shiva was rich, but I didn't know I was his next of kin. I'm so relieved. I don't know how they got my skype account but I got this message today:


[2:15:11 PM] *** victorowusuboakye would like to add you on Skype

Enter a message to introduce yourself.

Hello my friend,

My name is Mr.Victor Owusu Boakye,I work in the audit and accounting department of
Agricultural Development Bank Ghana  (A.D.B) as a group head treasury department,Ghana.


It is my wish to solicit your assistance in a business opportunity that will be of great
benefit for you and i, I want to present you as the next of kin to our late.foreign customer
Dr.Shiva, a citizen of your country who was among the death victims in the  January 12 2010
Earthquake disaster in Haiti,that killed over 200,000 people.

I wish to know if we can work together to stand you as the Next of Kin to a Fixed Deposit of
$10.5 Million US dollars, which Dr.Shiva made to our Bank before his death. I assure you
we can achieve it successfully if you can follow my instruction and direction. In your reply,
please send the.

following information as underlined below:

1. Your full names:
2. Your phone number;
3. Your nationality;
4. Your Age/Sex;
5. Your occupation;
6.scan passport,

Notwithstanding, this business must be confidential between you and me,no third party must
know anything about this transaction until the fund is transfer to any of your nominated bank
account in your country and as soon as these is done, i will proceed to meet with you in your
country for my own 50% share of the fund Please get back to me If you are interested.

Kindly send your informations to my private email; mrvictorowusuboakye4@outlook.com

I Remain respectfully yours,

Mr.Victor Owusu Boakye,
(Audit and accounting Manager)
Agricultural Development Bank (ADB)
E-Mail: (mrvictorowusuboakye4@outlook.com). ***

(If anyone wants to bombard Boakye's email account with gay porn emails that would be fine with me.)

Unoffensive

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Futility

American news looks more and more like a soap opera that is going to get cancelled.

Drink More Duff!

I made this Gif of one of my favorite Simpson's Episodes. Season 4/16. So funny! "Can't Get Enough Of That Wonderful Duff." It's a Duff commercial and demonstrates that Duff has the power to transform "feminists" into party girls. These parodies within parodies are the stuff that made Simpsons so popular. The vintage episodes are an onslaught of stabbing attacks on modern culture and what I see with modern episodes are limp references to our own habits that aren't even vilified. I wrote a Simpsons spec episode once but when I showed it to a Simpsons expert he tore the timeline and characterizations apart. The details of my script were all slightly wrong. And it didn't include any embedded parodies. Thus ended my television writer career.

Guns Aren't Fishing Poles

A common gun rights equation is that guns are no different than fishing poles. Only the murderous person makes a gun a weapon.
"Forbidding guns in a house is like forbidding fishing poles," they like to say.
Ok.
I got my expert team of digital media editors on that project and this is what they came up with.

Boy fishing with rifle

I don't think fishing poles or guns or plastic shopping bags or soda should be banned by the government. I do think the manufacturers should stop manufacturing them. Or as I wrote to one zealot, "If you think guns are the same as fishing poles, then go sell fishing poles and teach kids to fish. Do us all a favor."
His response would probably be that you can't defend yourself with a fishing pole. And I'd say, "That's why they are called guns! So people know which one can kill another person. They aren't the same fucking thing. You think David Koresh was stockpiling fishing poles for a canoe trip down the Rio Grande?"

It's another swords into plowshares fantasy I've been chasing for decades.

humorous

I laughed and laughed when I watched this because it quickly got to the point of a lost in cyberspace generation. The onion has been hit or miss lately but this is a good one. The funniest part are the comments if you can pause the video and read them. It did blow my mind that this is actually feasible, that social network sites could be made irrelevant overnight. like having a birthday party in a funeral hall. It's ironic and also immediately gratifying...and there's no reason I couldn't hijack a random porn video comment section to post all my blog essays. God, that's the funniest idea I've had since chasing a wolf to Ellesmere Island.

Boyfriend: Ok, Let's Talk About Period Related Bloating

Area boyfriend, Tom Singleton, announced to his menstruating girlfriend, "Ok, sure, let's talk about your period related bloating. Definitely!"
Julie Adams, his girlfriend, was startled as this topic generally fell into the realm of off limits or at best something that she could speak out loud about but not get a single indication Tom was listening. Today, however, Tom surprised Julie by announcing he "really wants to learn the details of how the bloating affects her mood and physical well-being."
"Specifically, Julie," continued Tom putting his magazine down and making direct and concerned eye contact with his girlfriend of one year, "I want to know exactly what the symptoms are, every detail, I want to know if you are cramping and where those cramps occur. I want to know if you are constipated, bleeding more or less than your normal period, if your breasts are tender, if you are retaining water, if you are grouchy and irritable, and if you don't feel like having sex right now but will probably be all over me in ten minutes. Whenever you're ready to talk, I will listen."
Tom crossed his legs and relaxed into a position that would indicate he was willing to take as long as possible to understand what his girlfriend was going through.
"Walk me through it step by step," said Tom. "You say you are bloating but that's kind of vague. Please elaborate. Where do you feel the bloating exactly, is it in your stomach or your spasming  uterus? Can you describe your feelings in terms I'll understand? Do you feel nauseous?  Are you vomiting? Light headed? Are you undergarments fitting tighter than usual and does that make you feel fat? And does your feeling fat lead you into a cycle of depression and self-loathing because you have linked your mood to your weight and body image?"
Tom asked Julie if she wanted a cup of green tea of how hot she wanted the bath water he would shortly run for her.
"Are you gassy?" he asked casually. "If you are gassy then maybe you'll want some licorice tea. I could call your mother and ask her what's the best remedy for gassy, bloated, period related discomfort. Are your feet swollen or is that only with pregnant or lactating women? There's so much to learn and I'm so happy to have you here to explain everything related to periods and the troubles they cause you. Wherever you want to begin will be fine with me. I've got all night."
At press time Julie wasn't speaking to Tom anymore.

Elie Wiesel Surprises Public

Noted Holocaust survivor and Noble Peace Prize winning author Elie Wiesel surprised his publisher and his fans by announcing the release of a new book of humorous essays about internet dating and a young adult novel that follow the ups and downs of a teen zombie looking for love.
Wiesel, 83, said of the release of the books, "I let my hair down. Why not? I'll be honest, the merchandising royalties were a big part of [his abrupt change in writing topics]. Action figure sales for the Night/Dawn/Day trilogy are not exactly gangbuster," Wiesel joked.
Wiesel, author of critically acclaimed humanist novels such as Night and The Jews of Silence continued, "I'm not downplaying the Holocaust. Don't get me wrong. I've got several strong works planned on that subject. But writers need to adapt, fight out of our weight class once in a while, so to speak."
Digital Drama ,the internet dating essay collection and Call Me Zombie are due to be released on Halloween to coincide with a fireworks display and haunted house Wiesel's new public relations representative, Kim Kardhasian, has scheduled.
"We're gonna rock the house," exclaimed Ms. Kardashian as she spanked herself on her broad ass. "It's gonna be awesome!"