Friday, October 16, 2015

Too True

This random phrase generator is pretty funny. It creased the corners of my lips for the first time in a dog's age. Reading about police killings reminds me of the countless cases of the police trying to antagonize me into self-defense, brandishing their guns, tasers, shouting, one getting me in a Junk Yard Dog wrist lock and neck slam that he felt sure would get me to react in a way that would justify an extrajudicial execution. But no, my back and shoulder pain prevent me from making any actions that would be viewed as 'aggressive' so they always let me go after getting the dogs to search my dirty underwear. I live the life that puts me into contact with bully cops on a regular basis so I'm very concerned that I will be tased, jerk erratically, and the cop will determine that my muscle spasms are actually me reaching for a button that will detonate a bomb in my ass, and so he will execute me 'to save himself'. It happens every day and no charges are filed. Slowly, the dissidents are being executed by public servants. Not by accident; by design.

But the phrase generator gave me reason to laugh again.

Here's one from Corporate slogans:
We will help to enable indexed solutions for today's profit-driven dot-com virtual corporations.

We are continually evolving, helping to enable indexed eBusiness solutions for today's pyramid-based corporations. 

From Financial slogans:
In the Asian market, plan to prorate lump-sum long positions.

Deferred systemic risks: in insolvent market segments, always insulate them.

Political Slogans:
Unlike myself, my opponent wants an America where tribal warlords and 24-hour news networks can undermine our hard-working neighborhoods.

Know this: that I believe in our Bibles, our powerful SUVs and our right to use up the world's resources.

Know this: that I will protect our McMansions, our right to shoot brown people and our judicial system.

Random headlines:
 8 Fascinating Needlepoint Tips From William Shatner

 Wine reviews:
Champs de Kairet mixes absurd smack flavors and a sinful gingerbread finish in their 1992 Bordeaux.

 I laugh because a Nicaraguan dairy farmer was asking me about America because he had heard stories of men migrating there to wash cars, and sending money home to Nicaragua, and I was trying to explain the real economy and imagine the scene with us sitting in a mud hut with no electricity far away in the old Sandinista rebel wilderness, a fire burning in the corner, cows mooing in the late evening breeze, we are both shucking beans for tomorrow's breakfast. And I say, in tortured Spanish,

"Jobs in America are jobs making software, applicaciones, to put your cat's photo in different geological locations."

He's incredulous, "My cat? Gato?"

"Yes, a gato...but not a real cat, a photo of a cat. A digital photo, not even something you can touch."

"A photo? Americans photograph their cats?"

"Oh yes, photographs, and video, sometimes whole documentaries. The cat is real, but the photo is never developed or printed."

"Videos of cats?"

"Yes, you take a photo of your cat, and take the photo and upload it to the software, and the software can change the expression of the cat's face. This is a very profitable idea in America. Americans trust and admire this kind of software. That is how to make money in America. Someone who washes cars would be looked upon as dirt, totally worthless, a slave. But an application to edit cat photos or generate odd, useless slogans is very profitable."

He grabs another bean pod to shuck the 4 pinto beans into a bowl that is slowly filling. "I do not understand."

A lightning bug flies by in the breeze. "I don't either."

 And when I read one of these random phrase generations..."We will continue to resell web-enabled business metrics for today's leading virtual eMonopolies" I laugh because they are a parody of a parody, but also true.

Here's one I wrote:
"Commoditization of keystone resources for salient underwriters is our specialty."
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.