Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Dear Exxon Persepctives,

In an effort to become a more rounded elite intellectual I have added the site feed from Exxon Mobil's blog called "Exxon Perspectives". You will find it to the left under the seldom-read Earth Policy Institute feed. I feel that going to the climate change site and reading the comments from all those hippies is futile. We should be meeting at the Exxon site and having the same conversation...on their turf. The climate change comments fall into one of a few categories,
"I told you so."
"We haven't seen anything yet."
"Thanks for this information."
"Have you read about..."

What is the point of this choir singing the same songs to themselves in the same church? Either you are an evangelical environmentalist or you are living in a fantasy like Stephen Hawking saying "Heaven is a fairy tale for people afraid of the dark."

If the environment matters to you then you have to preach to someone other than the choir. And if it matters to you then the enemy is surely Exxon Mobil so you should learn as much as you can about their position. So, I'll be making periodic comments on their site that should be amusing and fruitless like a clown making fart sounds for the benefit of a herd of elephants. Also, the level of commentary is so much more refined than on yourboobtube or fuckbook that I will have to step my game up. Everyone spell checks and fact checks their comments, refrains from using smiley face icons and swear words and sometimes even concedes an argument point or asks for clarification before calling someone a whore or cocksucker. That's hard to believe but it is true. Also, I feel sorry for the Exxon blog because almost no one comments on their articles. That seems sad. Everyone who cares is commenting on the climate change blog and poor Exxon is alone. I want them to feel someone is out here reading and thinking about oil exploration. And if I want to pick a fight then the biggest propaganda dog in town is Exxon Mobil Public Affairs Division. If I can get Exxon Public Affairs VP commentator Ken Cohen to say, "Oggy, you have a point. I think I'm going to contact our CEO and shut down oil exploration efforts in the Arctic." then I have done something. And if I can't get that done then a circle jerk with other hippies is pure self-pleasure nonsense.

It seems a Ken posts once a week and the articles definitely are pro oil but these are the facts that they choose to defend and it's better to meet them on the same battlefield rather than arguing with the wrong people.
And what would be funnier than The Man in The Van posting daily updates about his arctic wolf expedition on the Exxon Mobil blog?
"Hey, Ken, this is an Eskimo village that would be devastated by an oil spill. Meet Oomlat, the village shaman. He strongly opposes oil development here and he also speaks no English."

I guess I'm looking for a direct line of communication with people who lack the empathy gene but might be able to use my abundance of empathy as a surrogate.

It's a little intimidating as their blog page background includes many algorithms and equations like Psquared/2Icubed+mg=cos.squared. Really, they have to put that as the background?* And then try...wait...
that's going to be my first post. To introduce myself and my far reaching world-view.
It goes to the heart of the problem/disconnect and is as follows:

Dear Exxon, thank you for providing this forum to research and discuss current oil exploration trends and topics. My name is Oggy Bleacher and I'm a dirty hippie. I have a long long beard and long hair with knots in it. My bum stinks. I wear American made clothes which means they were manufactured in 1973. If I wash them they will disintegrate so I don't wash them.

I am also from the future and feel it is my duty to inform you that you'd be better off forgetting everything you know and starting from scratch. The current path of mankind leads directly to an inhospitable climate. Oil, far from being our salvation, proves to be a short lived energy fix that mankind is addicted to. The pursuit of energy to enable our less-than-important daily activities consumes the environment and ultimately anything that resembles earth. In short, you are totally misleading yourselves if you think it is smart to continue on this path of destruction.

Speaking of smart, the Exxon corporate home page promotes your perspectives blog with the words, "Less industry jargon, more insightful conversation." You sound like an ad for Ruffles potato chips. "Tastes Great! Less Filling!" Uh, did your content writer sit in the bleachers or the box seats at Yankees games in 1987?

But, the image you have, less than an inch from the words "Less industry jargon" is A FLOATING AND SPINNING 18 POINT MOLECULE MODEL. The background? A SNOWSTORM OF COMPLICATED CALCULUS EQUATIONS stolen from the effects department of A Beautiful Mind. What? I'd hate to see what you consider jargon. Are you trying to say you are smarter than me? I mean, if you are so smart then why don't you write an algorithm that compares the Climate Progress website and your website to figure out who is right? Huh, smarty pants? I dare you. Trying to push me around with your cosine ego inflated Ven diagrams? You think I don't know what those equations mean? Well, you are right. I'm totally baffled by them. Chemistry class was my one opportunity to look at Christy McFarlane's shaved legs and I wasn't going to waste a minute paying attention to the chalkboard. Who would? Apparently, you would. Congratulations. You don't know what you missed.

My point is that the very basis of your jargon-less forum is flawed. The actual gate to your open forum is designed to intimidate and confuse. "Uh oh. All these equations mean these people are smart and I'm just a knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing hippie wandering around where I don't belong. I bet these people are important!"

I will break it to you easily: YOU ARE NOT IMPORTANT. Those equations and molecule models are MERELY YOUR VERSION OF THE MAYAN STAR CHARTS. The big difference is the star charts were biodegradable (and low fat) while your equations ARE DESTROYING THE ENTIRE PLANET!

So, I give you a grade of C, average, for your blog. It exists, which is good, but your self-important content writers and engineers could not contain their inflated egos, which is bad. Try to improve. The nature of your blog does not invite the public to learn. Most of us are not petroleum engineers, although I once went ice fishing with one in Alaska and he made fun of my mother. So, if you want to flaunt your PE degree then go to the geek gym. Furthermore, drilling for oil and refining it so it explodes under compression isn't exactly mystical black magic. Get over your empathy-deficient egos and invite people to converse. We all know the oil spill in the Gulf could've been from an Exxon rig. You all share the same contractors and materials. Don't pretend you are Mr. Clean. Your propaganda ads don't fool me. Alaska should be lit up like Las Vegas after all the oil you've sucked from the North Slope and spilled in Prince William Sound. Ooops. Remember that? The Marbled Murelette probably can't wait for you to start digging up oil somewhere else. Get the hell out of his territory. Who is taking advantage of whom? Stephen Hawking just proved there is no heaven so that means you have to be held accountable on earth. Sorry, that's the way it goes.

In the meantime, I will be watching you closely and bringing all my hippie friends over to get stoned and read your blog. You want to invite us in to take a shower and use your bathroom then that's what we'll do. Thanks, dude.

* The articles actually are free of jargon and are a high school reading level. Ken Cohen does a good job of arguing his case without too much rhetoric. If you can pick an honest fight in this forum then your brain is working good.

Here's an example of what I want to accomplish:

From their article:
"We know that certain types of algae produce bio-oils. The challenge is to find and develop the algae strains, and the production systems, that can produce bio-oils at scale with an attractive economic return. The ultimate goal is to have algae bio-oils processed in our refineries to supplement supplies of conventional gasoline, diesel, aviation fuels, and marine fuels."

My Response:
Oggy Bleacher wrote:
Thank you for submitting a comment to the ExxonMobil Perspectives blog. We are reviewing it based on our Rules of Engagement and it will be posted upon approval.

"Lets keep in mind that when considering economic feasibility we shouldn’t compare cost of algae derived oil production to the $100/bbl or the $4 per gallon for petroleum products because all the evidence points to a $15/gallon “real cost” when also taking environmental impact into consideration. That’s more like a $400/bbl and at that price algae suddenly is more "attractive". I say take the corn out of our food and put it in our cars."

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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.