Religion Isn't All That Bad

The problem with religion is that Americans basically only see the candy cane/mardi gras/easter egg side of it. We see American Flag book covers on bibles and Christianity invoked in our battle with Middle Eastern Children. No wonder you get some head shaking.
"Religion causes war. It's evil."

And I've been guilty of that reaction too. It's very easy to look at religion in America objectively and see it as purely a contrivance and a fraud basically trying to get money from old people and justify a decade [millenium] of senseless slaughter. Ok. But I've pondered this perplexing mess and have decided that religion in America is not religious. It's like saying McDonalds serves food. In other words, judging religion based on what you see today (mass exploitation of Jesus for profit) is no different than saying the sport Football is evil because there have been coaches who sexually molest their players. I'll even go so far as to say that since the institution of church in America and the bible is almost completely exploited to the point that I don't know of an example in my travels of all 49 states on the Continent that would contradict your belief that religion is evil. So if every sports team had an incidence of sex abuse (not far from the truth) you still couldn't say football is evil because it is used to exploit kids. You might as well say that sodomy causes first downs . That analogy would look like this:

Religion             Football
--------      =     ---------
War                    Sex Abuse

This question came to me because Bill Maher made a movie called "Religulous" and his whole premise is wrong. He's searching the world for an example of pure religion, a rational justification of it, but that doesn't exist in any recognizable form anymore. He's 250 years too late as the Puritains and Quakers have been replaced by porn kings and big macs. But that doesn't mean religion is essentially ridiculous. No. And football is not to blame for sex abuse. See, I feel that your average Jehovah pedaling truth of death and resurrection has as much to do with religion as sodomy has to do with punt coverage. Were Puritains and Quakers "real" religion? God, I hope so. They would all be unquestionably horrified by the state of the country they started. They would think most of us, including the Unitarians and Methodists, were involved with witchcraft and should be burned at the stake. I have no doubt of this because when I read the CNN comments every third remark has something to do with killing someone for being evil. If the average CNN reader feels that way then I'm sure the Puritains would simply declare America a lost cause, spawns of the devil, hopelessly corrupt. And it might be a lost cause. This is the central debate I have not found a conclusion to: If America stands for progress and progress leads to an environmental catastrophe, and progress means finding a way to survive in the man-made environmental catastrophe THEN WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DEFINITION OF PROGRESS? If you go with the flow then I'm pretty sure that's like the Germans ignoring the ash floating from the strange chimneys for 5 years. But if you don't go with the flow then you end up in the police blotter. You've got a powerful church that manipulates the masses for profit but it's so widespread that it can't be stopped. And if it can't be stopped and you can't ignore it then you are living by the whim of an insane and megalomaniacal monster in a funny hat. But I digress...

This is an ongoing debate that robs Oggy of many hours of peaceful sleep. Some people study ant habits, some study distant galaxies, some engineer better artificial valves for pig hearts. Oggy ponders these complicated questions because he wants to understand the world he lives in. Let me stop talking about myself in third person and say that I was hooking the last strands on my rug when I felt that it could not be done; my attempt to fully understand the human condition is an impossible task. Then I think that all researchers will eventually doubt their abilities. The good ones continue in the face of failure. The bad ones become politicians. Astronauts explore outer space; Oggy explores inner space...and he is lost without oxygen and no map. If I could start all over and accept the headlines as irrelevant facts then I would do that, but that's also impossible. So, as a weaver by name and trade I am cutting the tether. You either go forward or you stop. We don't live forever and I was racing around on my moped today and several times was nearly killed. A worker on a bridge was sucked into the Mississippi in an elevator. Dead. We get a limited amount of time to raid the refrigerator of humanity and then it is gone, passed on to another greedy generation. I do not think I will find a conclusion to the madness of life but I might have some artistic expression that will be a piece in the puzzle. I feel that is worthwhile. We live and die. Science has allowed us to live longer but Religion, I think, started as a way to finish the puzzle of the human condition before it turned into a crazy obsession and that crazy obsession led to the hotly debated details that separate the religions. The details are irrelevant but they've been bastardized and used to kill...and so the details have morphed religion into something unrecognizable. It does not comfort. It is invoked by sellers of snake oil and is the ponzi scheme's ultimate rationale. But that isn't the nature of religion any more than sex scandals are in the nature of college sports. It would be like trying to convince someone to stop liking Culture Club songs. How can you rationalize Karma Chameleon?


I got off track because the tornadoes are blowing my van across the yellow brick road, but I want to close with a memory of Gislane LaChance in Quebec, the only Religious man I've met in North America. There was no rhetoric, no invoking God for his favors. God was another name for fate, fate that controlled the winds and the rainfall. God didn't control the direction a tree fell when it was cut by Gislane for his lumber mill, but God did control the direction the tree fell when the wind blew it down. But once the tree lay on the ground then it was in Gislane's domain. God made the chicken and Gislane killed and ate it. Simple. That's the difference. Simple but true. So, I know there are people who are religious in North America but Bill Maher* will not casually walk down the street or knock on a church door to meet one of them here or in Jerusalem or the Vatican or Mecca. Those are all masquerade balls with open invitations. No, religion is rare in this Christian country. It never had anything to do with the birth of Jesus or white doves. Easter is coming up and that has nothing to do with religion either. Easter is about exalting our details of creation so they overshadow your details of creation. That has more to do with the insecurity of the devout than anything else.

Now I'm going to get back to pondering the universe in my insecure shame palace.

*Maher really plays slow pitch softball with his agenda driven movie. It's weird because he's clearly trying to champion reason in place of faith. But the easiest argument against that is, why bother? Who cares if we know dinosaurs didn't live with humans 25,000 years ago? Who cares if we can cure cancer? Who cares that the constellations are distant suns and not actual celestial beings? Without spirituality the realities of life are too much to deal with. He attacks Mormon beliefs in front of a palatial building that pretty much proves that the Mormons are not full of shit. The proof that religions work is in the fact they have lasted and the infrastructure they have produced. Yes, they are snake oil salesmen, but their snake oil lasts. People say religion is a crutch and I agree. It's a crutch for an animal alone on a rock hurtling toward death. Maher has no consoling words for our condition. God does. That's the difference he never admits.

Maher says, "If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, you'd resign in protest."
But he's wrong. He's projecting his beliefs onto others. In fact, he's pinpointed the exact reason people accept religion: because it's a club and it gives them strength to be on the same page as others. Loyalty means accepting beliefs and defending them. They wouldn't resign in protest because they would probably try to affiliate the club with the religion and reduce the number of Christmas cards they have to send out. Maher says a devout person can't know his fate after death, "Because I don't know what's going to happen...and you don't posses mental powers I do not."
That's his basic contradiction. I don't believe in God so you shouldn't either. (add a haughty laugh)
He preached to the choir in this film and he knows it and I'm almost glad he doesn't have a good enough argument to convert a single person's belief. Heck, he made me MORE religious! Amen.

Top 10 Things Oggy will do with $500 Million

When Oggy wins the lottery he will:

1) Get teeth fixed so his passport picture won't look like a cautionary poster for tooth decay
2) Cover the Van with gold leaf
3) Go back to the casino and put $10 on Black 8 until it hits. Then never play roulette again
4) New bikes for everyone in Boston
5) Buy a factory in China to give a month vacation to all the Apple slaves. A free iPod to all factory workers
6) Spine Replacement
7) Run with the wolves of Ellesmere Island
8) Get a real url for my next blog: www.TheManintheVanmovestoBeverlyHills.com
9) No more generic cereal.

10) Buy the Dodgers.

Spanish Prisoner

I got taken for all the money in my wallet but my downfall wasn't the fact that I was giving money to get more money, it was that I was trying to help a neighbor who turned out to be a junkie. I already know that the world is crummy but I think I was paying for proof that it wasn't. And I got more proof that it is.

Night Life

My new favorite song ended up in a Bob Wills songbook. It's among the last songs Bob Wills played and it's a reminder that Willie Nelson might be more prolific than Bob Dylan. Nelson has been performing since 1960. Who else is still performing after 52 years? That would be like Buddy Holly performing at Madison Square Garden. Willie Nelson is 80 years old!

The nightlife intrigued me over the years but the plastic smiles and painted tans and fake flirty touches of waitresses lightened my wallet but never filled my soul. People laughed too loud at their own jokes, tried too hard to get drunk and lose their fear of death but it never worked for me. Holden Caulfield used the word "Phony" and that's always been the best description of the games played in bars. Later in life it really is legitimately sad and lonely people with nothing left to lose (and I like them more that way) but the young who were enabled by clueless parents and let down by their lacking society go to initiate themselves into what they think is adulthood. They try and if they can make themselves believe it worked then that's good enough. The years slip away and soon they are back on the same stool, staring bubbles down and oily rags on the teak bar. Then it's authentic. It ain't the good life and it never was my life but I like the song because it is honest bar wisdom.

Exalted King

The Jehovah People were out with the first tulip bulbs knocking on doors and ignoring barking dogs to get the word out about the exalted king. I'm in the land of giant billboards damning you to hell if you get an abortion. "Pray then Vote" is the motto of the region. I'm an equal opportunity hobo so when they knocked on my van I let them in. The woman with the crooked eyes and generic hair was generously proportioned from the neck down. Her dress didn't have any baggy spots if you get what I'm laying down. Our conversation went something like this:

Jehovah Prophet: Hi, I'd like to invite you to a meeting to learn about Jesus, our exalted King.
Oggy: Really? I knew a Jesus in Mexico. Sold me cheap weed. Is it the same guy?
JP: I don't think so.
Oggy: My Jesus was about five foot five. Smelled like sweat. Tattoo on his bicep of a prostitute. He had a tattoo of his grandmother on his back. Funny funny guy. The shit he said...
JP: No. The Jesus I'm talking about is reigning as an exalted King.
Oggy: Yeah, that doesn't sound like my boy. The Jesus I know was a slick gang banger. Heavy into speed and dope and whores. He pimped dozens of whores, yo!
JP: So, the meeting will answer all of these questions. Some believe Jesus died for our sins.
Oggy: Whoa! People dying left and right. When was that? I didn't read about it. Was it in the paper?
JP: Long ago, but...
Oggy: Oh, like last month? I was totally out it last month. You know... [pantomimes injecting heroin in an arm and passing out]
JP: Uh, have you ever wondered how one man's death can mean life for others today?

Oggy: [gestures to the van interior] That question ain't high on my priorities right now.
JP: It should be. We can answer that at our talk commemorating the death of Jesus.
Oggy: Wait, he's dead?
JP: Well....
Oggy: And he's an exalted King?
JP: You see...
Oggy: Because that sounds kind of shady to me. A dead king who has the same name as the guy I bought weed from in Mexico?
JP: The meeting will...
Oggy: Doesn't that sound like a flim flam scam to you? What's this Jesus King fella's phone number? [gets out phone] I'll ring his ass up and get to the bottom of this.
JP: No, you see...
Oggy: Give me his number.
JP: Come to the talk. Bring your questions.
Oggy: Nah. I'm calling 411. [dials 411]. Operator? I'm looking for the number to call Jesus. What? I'll ask. Hey, what's his last name?
JP: He doesn't have a last name exactly.
Oggy: Well, how am I going to call him? The operator needs a last name. What? And a city. So, where's his crib?
JP: Crib?
Oggy: Yeah. Where he hang at? Ooops. I hung up on the operator. Damn it. Can I borrow your phone to call the operator back. Man, it's getting hot. Wanna sit down in my van and smoke a bowl? I won't touch you or nothing.
JP: I'd like to thank you for your time.
Oggy: Hell, it ain't nothing. What I got to do 'cept be neighborly. I'm only living in my van temporarily until the 'conomy picks up again. Know where I could find some work?
JP: Good day.
Oggy: I do good work. Finish carpenter. Mechanic. Hell, I'll buck a mule and deliver a calf. Yes, Maam.
JP: God bless you.
Oggy: Only thing is I can't do drug tests. No.