Monday, October 6, 2008

They Cut my Ass Open

The man in the van doesn't want to gross people out, but the realities of his life have crossed paths with some nasty afflictions.

Now, kids, if you don't want to have prolapsed hemorrhoids, like the man in the van, then don't do the following:

1. Put 6 inch dildos in your ass. "just to see what it feels like" lol. who hasn't done this?
2. Sit for 18 months writing a book.
3. The only exercise you get for 18 months is walking to the donut shop for an apple fritter. Mmmm. They taste so good but they turn to drywall mud inside your colon. Then you gotta strain like hell trying to shit it out.
4. Ride your bicycle from The East Coast to The Rocky Mountains.
5. The only fiber you eat is when you accidentally chew a piece of Styrofoam off your cup of noodles cup.

If you fail to follow these few simple rules then you will end up like the man in the van...on an operating table with your legs spread out on stirrups, getting shaved like a greek teen, and in lots of pain...until the sleep juice sets in and you are knocked out. The doctors start to cut anything that doesn't belong.

Then you wake up in the recovery room. You are amazed it went so fast. You...then...


The nurses will come running, they will hold you down.

"Everything went ok. The surgery is over! Please relax."
"Relax? You fucking butchers sliced my asshole open! AAAAH!"
"The procedure can be uncomfortable."
"JESUS CHRIST! My asshole is torn open. It's bleeding RIGHT NOW! You butchers!"
"Please lay back."

The nurses will be thinking "If you think you're in pain now, you will be in for a treat tomorrow, when the anesthesia wears off. Oh boy, will you wish for pain like you are feeling right now. Tomorrow's pain will make this feel like an orgasm of pleasure." They could say this and they would be right, but what good would that do for you?

"The pain will go away if you lean back. Just relax."

You will grab your hair and breath lightly. Just moving back in the bed will cause a rainbow of pain to stab your asshole.

"Oh my lord! You actually cut my asshole open. You sliced it with a knife!"
"The operation went well. You had more lesions than we thought."
You will hesitate and then reach under your ass, just to check if your balls are still attached. Your hand will come out covered with blood and shit.

"That's just normal leakage."
"NORMAL LEAKAGE! You butchers! You castrated my ass!"

No, they simply took the bulging thrombosed prolapsed veins that were poking out of your asshole for the last 6 years and sliced them off. Naturally shit and blood will have a party together.

"I'm going to be sick. I'm going to throw up. You've ruined my life."

That is where you will be, staring up at the ceiling of some cheap clinic in Glendale. How many thousands of people had looked at that ceiling after having their assholes torn open? You will be sick to your stomach. And if you aren't careful, at the end of this day long affair of pain, you will be dropped off at your van, which smells like the gigantic shit you took into a to-go box earlier in the morning. You will crawl into the van and struggle with the incense and candles. Your RV neighbor will knock on your door.

"Hey man, what's up?"

You will hesitate to say, "I just had my asshole cut off."
"It's been a long day, what's up?"
"You got any weed? I'll pay you back when my Social security comes in."

"I got nothing."

"All right, dude. If you get any then you know where I am."

You will go back to fumbling with the candle. You will drop the lighter and then spend ten minutes hunting for it among the littered floor of your van, littered with newspapers and candy wrappers and jack off porn magazines and other pieces of failure. You will find it and, sweating, you will light the candle to illuminate your filthy cave. You will crawl into your bed, listening to the gas tank slosh under you. You will adjust the gigantic maxipad the hospital has taped to your shaved ass. You can just now feel the true amount of pain you will be in when the sun comes up. You asshole has been shaved, and split open with a device and many pieces have been sliced off it with a blade. And the shaved meat has been sewn or stapled shut. You are wearing a bloody, shitty maxi-pad. You are laying in a van with three homeless people sleeping and pissing on the wall outside your van. You can hear the piss hit the sidewalk. "I got no microwave!" yells one of the insane homeless men to no one from his bundle of blankets.
The sweats will begin and you realize there will be no sleep tonight. No way. You are in too much pain. It is like you are one giant asshole that is aflame. You want to take a shit, but the narcotics have you constipated. And that's a good thing because any shit that passes your inflamed asshole would light the night up with pain. This is where you will sit and this is where you belong. You deserve this. You are an asshole.
Creative Commons License
Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.