Wednesday, April 22, 2009

A variety of responses to my problems

Just so people realize I am not deaf to the assistance and advice that was given in the past month I´ll post some of the responses to my question ¨Please help me be a better person.¨ This is also an interesting look at the range of responses possible to one question....

Glad to hear there is a new woman in your life - you're right, that other girl was all wrong for you - glad you escaped her clutches! Witch that she was. As Shakespeare said, "Some days are diamonds, some days are stones" or was it something about suffering "the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." Whatever, you are absolutely right about the ups and downs of emotions. One of my beliefs about emotions is that they are ALWAYS preceded by a thought! That thought must also be preceded by a sensory event of some sort, such as a song, the sight of something or someone, a sound, a word, but always something precedes the emotion - too many people confuse the emotion as the original event, not recognizing that it was the thought and the interpretation of the sensory event that created the emotion. Knowing this simple fact, one can at least have some sort of better understanding of the reason for the emotion. They may not be able to change the emotion, but at least they know where it comes from. The emotional state of "In loveness" is one of the most brutal and perilous of emotions because it is so powerful - it can truly take over your brain, and if by outrageous fortune, one's love for another is not returned and you find yourself stranded in a state of limerence, as I have heard it described, than one will certainly be likely to suffer. By the way, Google the term "love and limerence" and read about the book written by Dorothy Tennov and read the Amazon reviews from people who have read the book.
I guess you are just approaching how a pirate looks at forty. All of us think if we were in paradise, that it would be paradise. But, it is like that quote "happiness is a journey, not a destination." I say that to myself over and over again.

Don't be shy just let your feelings roll on by. Don't wear fear or no one will know your there. Just lift your head and let your feelings out instead. I forgot. In response to your emotional baggage question: you are one of my favorite people in the universe, and your emotional baggage is what makes you the way you are. I suspect that you are not easily read, and that is what if anything drives people away.

remember with girls, just be yourself. but don't be weird. girls can smell weird and desperate a mile away. being friendly and confident is the best way to go. and sometimes you have to make mistakes to learn how to get it right. but you have to get in the game and try. maybe life is giving you chances to keep practicing til you get it right. you apply what you learn from one try to the next try until you get your system dialed in. then it works for you. i remember when i went to my new college in the 80's (i was about 20) and i felt like such a fool. i wanted to meet a girl so badly, i was so lonely. and i would try to talk to girls, i was so desperate and lonely, i would make myself talk to girls, in the library at school, wherever, just force myself, and i would strike out over and over, i felt so stupid and rejected. i think they could sense my desperation maybe. and then, something happened, something changed. i am not sure how it changed. but suddenly one day i was so popular and had so many girlfriends that one would come to my place, have sex with me, and as she was pulling away, the next girl would be driving up. it was a new world. i somehow quit being desperate, and i became very confident. and it was because i practiced and learned from my mistakes, and also once i got one girl and wasn't desperate, then it seemed easy to start attracting so many girls because they could 'sense' that i was confident and cool. they like that. so, get one and then start going from there. i am like you. i fall in love with girls just like that too. it has nothing to do with the girls really or with reality, it is something in my brain or pysche, also from childhood. but it's just how i am and how it is. so i learn to work with it and accept it and try and live my life. and if this girl asked for your number then duh, all you have to do now is be cool. you are already 'in' so you don't have to get 'in' just stay in by not doing anything to get out. so be cool. be calm. be collected. and let the good times roll.remember, don't get too serious, take it realistically, you're just getting to know someone and vice versa, treat it that way. then she'll come to you. loose and open. PS: just be cool, and experiment with what works for you. i promise you with the right attitude you'll have no trouble meeting girls. although you should probably start exercising too if you really want to meet girls. you have to be in shape, remember girls are looking at the complete package, they want you to be in shape, and really they want you to make money and be a provider, but some of them will make some exceptions to that basic law of being female so you have to pump up whatever assets you do have in a female's eyes. you don't seem like you have a real job or a lot of money, so that's going to cut out a whole lot of women right there for good or bad, it's just how they work, so you have to play out all the assests you do have. get in shape, be yourself, don't be needy, be confident. and so on.

¨So A mexican woman with a kid broke your widdle heart? Is that the new chapter?¨
Editor´s Note¨: This one about the mexican woman with the kid mystifies me. What part of ¨Imaginary Family¨did this person not understand?

¨You were in love with being in love...¨

¨Out of fifty guys in a room I would fall in love with the one who would hurt me the most. Believe me, she was all wrong for you, Marco. I´m sorry. You completely misread her.¨

¨Well, I guess you´ll just have to go Mexican...¨

I'm sad for you that you're experiencing all this. The up side is that it's important self-work and you have probably been building up to it for years. Most people never even realize they have issues and they go through life fumbling it up. Men especially usually don't ever see it until they are old and gray and have already lived a full life. You are pretty young, considering, to have that insight. I am a huge fan of therapy and I think it's a good sign that you are self-aware enough to recognize when you could use it. I'm actually really proud of you for it. I was in therapy for a bit a few years back, and re-started it last winter to deal with unresolved childhood issues among other things. It's hard work and emotionally exhausting to peel yourself apart and expose yourself to all that stuff that's been buried, but in the end, it's like a huge weight lifted. It's tangible. And it opens you up suddenly to love and experiences that you've closed yourself off to subconsciously.

All these bits of advice and comments have at least helped me get out of my own mind for a brief while. Thanks!
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.