Thursday, July 23, 2009

Two Emails

These were two emails that I received on the same day.

"Here is the food list for alkaline foods: avocado, hummus, sprouts, lemon squeezed in water, herb tea, veg. broth, tomato, grapefruit and watermelon. Most fruits and veg., but not blueberries! I always eat too many when I pick and then I don't feel good, so it's good to know to eat them in moderation. The acid foods are cheese, milk, cream, ice cream, corn, lentils and olives. But in moderation everything is OK. "

the other one goes as follows...

"I had been looking for someone who could connect me up with young women on a pay as you go basis. I hit the jackpot. I met a young woman around 20 who told me she has a lot of girlfriends. I didn't think too much about it until she started bringing one by daily. Yesterday was one of the most beautiful young women with a perfect body I had ever been with. 500 pesos for the girl and 100 for the contact girl. With each girl I get their phone number so I can contact them whenever I want. The problem is that I'm getting tired. Age, you know. But when she brings a new girl by and even though I tell myself "NO" I just can't help myself. They are all so beautiful and inexpensive. This would have worked out great when I was a drug crazed pervert but now I'm not sure I can handle all of this good fortune."

I don´t normally post other people´s emails, but the worlds of difference between these two, and getting them the same day, just tickles me. Needless to say I have to be very careful to make sure I know which one I am responding to. I´d like to see the blueberry author get this response, "Hook me up with some of that beautiful inexpensive pussy! At that price I´ll bang two of those whores!"

I also can´t ignore how I could, in theory, forward the blueberry email to the whore author and maybe make a strange point, that would be quickly ignored. The whore author recently showed me a chart in which he can get laid a certain number of times each week according to his budget. He added that he had "already thrown away two charts that were not working." I found this comment noteworthy and humorous.

"Heh, the only imperfection I could see," he continued, "was the c-section scar. I guess all deliveries are done by c secton in mexico."

I said I didn't know that.

"It's true. I can see why someone knocked this girl up. Man, she was beautiful. I normally don't ever see a whore more than once but I just had to have her again. especially after I made sure she was over 18. I'd like to thank the guy who knocked her up and then split. It sure made my life easier."

¨Are you telling me a guy got a beautiful girl pregnant and then left, probably to work in the united states, and she started turning tricks to feed her kid? Fucking hell. Is that the world we live in?¨

"And," he added with a casual wave of his cigarette, "That C section kept her pussy tight. I mean tight. I was on the verge of orgasm minutes. We fucked for a good hour straight. No break. It almost killed me. Hey, you want a beer?"

This was the third time he had used the word "Orgasm" and I took it as a cue to move on.

"Actually, the accelerator cable on my moped broke today. I gotta go find a bike store with a cable."

"I'd drive you, but I'm shitfaced. You sure you don't want those Johnny Carson Videos?"

I said no. I didn't want any best of Johnny Carson videos. Thanks. And I got on my scooter. It took some work but I got it started. I had managed to stick the accelerator on full speed. It was either full speed or no speed. I had to run next to the thing and jump on when it started. No brakes. No speeds. Full blast down the darkening streets of La Paz.

"You be careful on that thing!"

"Ok, buddy. See you later."

And I was gone.


Danny Flannagan said...

I am guessing your the author or the 'whore' email...who were you sending it to?

Oggy Bleacher said...

OMG. Dan, you are absolutely right but absolutely wrong. That email is written exactly like my letters cerca 1992. right after I discovered hunter thompson and thought that was my voice. But, and prepare yourself, that email is a real email I received and if you read a few stories I posted some days ago then you will see who and what kind of animal you are dealing with.
but your comment brought back all those crazy lies I used to write about train hopping with negro hobos when really I was in the back of a greyhound bus beating off to a hustler magazine. you are a true friend. Ignore my rant.

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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.