Friday, December 18, 2009

The 2009 gallows humor award goes to...

The annual Cyberdyne holiday party.
Eating turkey and stuffing.
"I'm surprised Andrews isn't here with an Uzi."
Andrews was one of the 250 people let go last year. His bitterness was more profound than most.
"Yeah, I heard he ordered some Kevlar."
"Ha. And hand grenades."
"Yeah, he's been building pipe bombs all summer. In his shed. Ha. By the light of the moon."
lots of laughter.
"Didn't you notice the chains on the doors? The fucker's got us locked in."
We all chuckle.
"Forget Andrews, I'm coming for some payback too. They escorted me out of here 9 months ago. Then begged me to come back for half the pay. I came packing today!"
"I'll hide behind Dave."
Dave is the supervisor.
"That's ok. I bought armor penetrating bullets. They'll split Dave in two."
"They sell those?"
"Soldier of Fortune has everything. Hell, they got a whole section specifically for going postal."
"Yeah, they got packages for how many supervisors are in the company who fucked you over."
"It's called the 'disgruntled employee discount.'"
"Now they got one for religious killing sprees."
"Oh, yeah, for that guy down south?"
"Right, he got Package M.... For Muslim."
"That come with hand grenades?"
"Of course. And a copy of the Koran."
A few people chuckle.
"Which package you get?"
"C, for China, where all our jobs went."
generous laughter.
"That come with a special hat with a Commie Star?"
"Yep, Andrews got me wise."
"So we're fucked."
"Eat up."
"Last meal. Glad it's good."
"Good? I've hit a skunk with better meat than this."
"Don't eat the apple crisp."
"Why, Andrews poison it?"
"Yeah. He put rat poison in it. When we all go to the bathroom he's gonna blow the place up."
"He'd do it too. That guy was so pissed. His wife left him. Lost his kids. What's he got to live for?"
Everyone laughs until Dave gets on the microphone and says,
"Hope everyone is having a good meal. It's time for the raffle prizes. Everyone have their tickets?"
We all clap and get our tickets out. I win a gift card to Old Navy. The company lays me off two days  before Christmas.
Creative Commons License
Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.