Thursday, April 1, 2010

Oggy gets married and moves to Venezuela

So, I'm at the library yesterday, like normal reading leftist magazines and downloading porn, when a lithe woman walks up and asks me how to connect to the internet. She's barefoot and dressed in a kind of peasant dress and has a lilting musical Irish accent. I'm taken by her dark eyes and say,
"You login with portslib as your name and password."
She explains that she doesn't have a computer and could she use mine. I'm a sucker for a pretty face so I say yes, but pay no attention to the blowjob videos in the browser.
"I'm soo sick 'f seein' other people in porn. I should be in porn," she said as she checked her email.
"Well, I can't really comment on that." I said diplomatically.
"You want to make a porn movie with me?"
I hesitated.
"I'm sorry, it sounded like you asked me if I want to make a porn movie with you."
"Forgive me. But, well, I was actually going to be making some porn in ten minutes with another girl I just met. So maybe I could fit you in later this evening."
She laughed.
"Is this your camera?" she asked.
I was uploading pictures of dogs and chickens.
She grabbed the camera and took my hand and led me to the men's bathroom.
"This is a public bathroom," I pointed out.
"Oh, is there a porn friendly bathroom somewhere hidden?" she joked. "Should I query the reference librarian? Can we check out clean sheets and condoms?"
"No, that won't be necessary," I admitted.
So, after we filmed ourselves fucking in the bathroom I asked her her name.
"A real gentleman you are. Fresh! Cheeky!"
"Cheeky is your name? My name is Oggy and I'm kind of taken with you."
"Well, don't get any ideas. I'm Jesus."And she laughed merrily, a laugh I'd like to hear all day long.
"Fortunately, Jesus has a return policy."
"Aye," she said reading my mind. "But I'm leaving tomorrow on a cattle ship."
"Well, cancel it. Stay here. The cattle won't mind. They'll prefer it."
"I'll mind. It's my one chance to get to Venezuela for free. There's this organic farm there and..."
I found myself kissing her in the magazine section. Really kissing her.
"I changed my mind," I said. "I'm going with you."
"You are a cheeky bastard."
"Not really, but I play one on the internet."
I stared into her green eyes, willing her to cast all doubts from her mind.
"Is this a proposal?" she murmured.
"No," I said as I dropped to a knee. "But this is. Marry me, you crazy gypsy."
I held out my mother's engagement ring to her. This is what I was talking about when I said you have to take risks. I've got nothing going here and I can't let another person walk in and out of my life. I don't want to ponder what could've happened. And I want to go to Venezuela! The girl, whatever her name is, was breathless. A few library patrons were watching suspiciously.
"I have to warn you, Oggy. I'm not the most stable person in the world. You seem kind of normal, stuck up. I thought I could loosen you up with some casual sex, but you look like you've blown a gasket."
I considered explaining myself to her but it didn't seem relevant.
"You've no idea how hellish a 9-5 job is. I'm stuck in a cubicle all day crunching numbers. Pointless loveless labor. I've always been such a reliable, faithful employee. Oggy The Loyal they call me. I'm tired of it! Where's the adventure, the drama? I've never left this little seacoast town in all my life. I'm ready. Will you show me the world? As my wife?"
The girl looked around at the gawking patrons and announced, "I know this is a library, but I'm taking this one," she pointed to me and looked into my eyes, "and I'm not bringing him back."
She took the ring on her finger. An old lady knitting in the corner started to clap. Then we got kicked out.

And the rest has been a blur of hawking all my possessions (except my guitar and violin since it turns out she can play like Mozart) to the pawn store. I drove the van down to Boston and gave it to a homeless guy in Chinatown. He was a little suspicious but he fit perfectly on the bed so he didn't complain. I warned him about the balding tires but he didn't really take me seriously. What can you do?

The ship leaves in a few minutes so I just had time to write this out and upload the porn video. My wife (we got married by a Wiccan priest last night) didn't really want to post her sex tape but I thought I'd surprise her.
It's been nice knowing you all. I really doubt I'll come back this way considering how undesirable I am in this area and continuing to post on this blog seems hypocritical so.... Since the van belongs to a hobo in Boston now I gave him the login information and told him the one condition of taking the van is he had to continue the tradition of economical urban living and an occasional essay denouncing Hannah Montana. Let's hope he follows up on it.
I hear the steam whistle blowing now and my wife is pulling me away. We'll be at a farm in Venezuela. I'm not sure which one but how many can there be? Just look us up sometime!


Anonymous said...

the joke would have been to show your penis.

donny said...

i'll own up to that. it was me. happy spring bud.

Oggy Bleacher said...

I read it and thought, what's a joke about that? That's not...ooooooh. ha ha. Actually, I've been popping these cock enhancer pills like crazy so it ain't no joke at all now. I'm hung like cattle. My heart is about to explode but some mortician is going to have some fun when he gets me alone. I'll stay straight my whole life and then get fucked by a dude when I die. So unfair. maybe he'll post pics at
ok, I ruined that joke.

Anonymous said...

very funny - send some postcards

Anonymous said...

hung like cattle? does that mean 5 dicks?

Oggy Bleacher said...

It means "Hung like a horse." or "Hung like a cow." are tired expressions and you picked the wrong sport if you want to joust with me, Squire Fuckalot.

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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.