Independent and Unscientific Oil Spill Analysis

According to one EPA source, 16 million gallons of oil leaks into the ocean from car crashes and leaking oil pans or guys just dumping waste oil in the bushes.

Several estimates exist for what the Deepwater Horizon spill is putting into the ocean. BP seems to think around 5 gallons a day are leaking while some scientists are thinking around 2 million gallons a day.

So, let's try to put this in perspective. There are around 260 million cars in the US. That's pretty sad since there are only 300 million people here. L.A. carries a lot of the burden with 3+ cars per person. Places like Portsmouth probably have a mere 2 cars per person and in Montana I'll bet it's only one car per person. They must like to suffer in Montana. I own a van and I also drive a car and I own a moped so I'm no saint.

So, these 260 million cars are producing 16 million gallons of oil that is lost to the rivers each year. Now, that's spread out over two oceans and the gulf of Mexico, otherwise known as the oil fondue pot. So, it takes 8 days at the Deepwater site to generate the oil normally lost in one year. And over 56 days that's basically 7 years of normal pollution. See? BP execs don't want to point these figures out because it makes them look like assholes, but that's what they're thinking.

"Americans are freaking out about spilling oil when they each own an average of three cars and drive more than anyone on the planet? Are they kidding?"

This is like the fat guy at the buffet demanding the fried chicken tray get replenished even as liquid shit pours from his ass and out his pant leg.

"Hey, Oggy, do you have to be so offensive and miserable all the time?"
"Yes, I do. And fuck you too."

The three other oil spills that are larger than the Deepwater spill are,

#1, a land based one in California that caused an inland lake of oil in 1910. In fact, this is the 100th anniversary of that spill. Happy Anniversary!
#2, Good ol Saddam Hussein (The Headless Wonder) who dumped oil reserves into the Persian Gulf as he retreated from Kuwait. That was 20 years ago and the dolphins still have not forgiven him.
#3 Ixtoc oil spill in 1979/1980 in a similar underwater leak in the Gulf of Mexico. 30 years later it looks to be eclipsed by Deepwater Horizon.

But what isn't listed is American drivers, who produce 16 million gallons of polluting oil every year. And with 600 million cars in the world we're talking about 30 million gallons of pollution every year. So, in every 4 years cars naturally produce the pollution of the Deepwater Horizon spill. In every 15 years cars become the leading cause of oil pollution to the ocean. And since the popular use of cars in the '30s cars have dwarfed all oil spills as a source of pollution.

This is the definition of irresponsible. You know, people existed before cars? I swear it is true. Look it up if you don't believe me. I've met happy people in Ecuador who never drove a car and saw no benefit to them because the cost just meant more manual labor to maintain a car they didn't need. I guess if you are a useless pencil pusher then you are thankful for your car since you would die without it. But your car is killing those folks in Ecuador so check your conscience; it's a quart low.

Anyway, one gallon of oil pollutes 1,000,000 gallons of water based on 1 quart polluting 250,000 gallons of water. So, I'm no accountant, but we've got 16 million gallons of oil (amount spilled over 8 days) multiplied by seven (or 2 times 56) multiplied by one million. Help me out, you math majors.

16,000,000(7) x 1,000,000
Man, I can tell that's going to be a ton of polluted water.

Let's see, you multiply 16 times 7 which is 112. Add the six zeros...112,000,000. That's the number of gallons of oil spilled. (This could be 250,000,000 but only God knows the real number)
Then add another six zeros to find the gallons of polluted water.
112,000,000,000,000.

So, it's looking like the national debt*. 112 trillion gallons of polluted water.

Now, the oceans combine for 326 million trillion gallons
326,000,000,000,000,000,000 gallons of water including the moat in that sand castle I built near Cabo San Lucas last winter.

Here's where my math skills have reached their limit. 112 trillion is not even one percent of 326 million trillion. It's .0000001%. Like spitting in the Pierce Island swimming pool.

I don't want to downplay what's happening in the Gulf. It's bad. But it was bad in 2003 when there were no leaks except for 260 million cars driving back and forth to Starbucks Coffee for their morning frappuccino.

It takes visible catastrophes like this to get people to wake up. If it wasn't for 9/11 we might think the whole world loves Britney Spears as much as we do. And our wars in the Muslim holy land could've stayed covert like they should be instead of being miserably public. My living in a van and preaching resource conservation was obviously not working. My 2009 Arctic Wolf Campaign generated exactly zero support. Did I fuck it up by attacking Hannah Montana?

Anyway, I was reading Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein and I think it's time to apply that same strategy to our relationship with cars. If Bush can mount a private war against a nation like Iraq that was widely opposed and fraudulently justified (They caused 9/11?) then why can't Obama declare a car moratorium and food rationing? Would it be unpopular? Yeah. So what? What are you going to do about it? The gas station is closed by government order. You going to drill for oil in your back yard? Buy oil on the black market? How about for every pelican that is found dead a baby human must be burned alive so I can play Street Rampage on my Xbox 360? Or someone over 70 years old is cremated to generate light for a Little League game. Yeah! Would that get Obama reelected in 2012? Someone run it by his press secretary.

It's going to take a war time consciousness to avoid a Mad Max world and that includes ration cards and mandatory car pools and victory vegetable gardens. The golden years of waste ended with cadmium laced Hannah Montana jewelry.

*National Debt is 13 trillion and climbing.