Saturday, March 26, 2011

Revenge of the Dolphins

March 11, 2011

After decades of being systematically slaughtered for profit and sport, the dolphins of the Pacific Ocean mounted a powerful counterattack on their human enemies today as a dolphin-orchestrated 30 foot wall of water obliterated several coastal towns in Japan.

"How does it feel, you pitiful motherfuckers?" asked the aquatic commander who goes by the name Grey Death. "You thought you would get the last laugh by herding my comrades into a cove where we ordinarily breed and then ruthlessly capture us to either sell us to aquariums and water parks in Florida or else chop us up for sushi? You thought years of unprovoked violence was going to go unpunished? You thought wrong."

The wall of water that rained death on hundreds of thousands of coastal dwellers was caused by a coordinated effort of The Dolphin Army, a splinter group of the otherwise peaceful salt water mammal that is related to the whale and porpoise.

"I won't go into how we executed the first in our planned series of attacks against mankind, but I will say this is only the beginning," said Grey Death. "If you had any idea how easily we could fuck you guys [humanity] up they you would be on your knees begging for forgiveness. You would be giving us sardines out of your butt cracks to placate our rage."

When asked what was the last straw, Grey Death said, "Are you kidding? Do you read the papers? If I came to your house and pissed in your face while my friends raped and killed your family would you do nothing? Would you just watch while another animal deliberately poisoned your environment with the toxic sluice from gold and silver mining? Would you!"

In a telepathically transmitted statement meant to coordinate with the first devastating waves that destroyed everything in its path, the Dolphin Army stated, "We dolphins of the Pacific Ocean are no longer going to take your shit. You want to dump refined heavy metals into our water? That's going to to cost you one nuclear meltdown. You want to over fish the ocean to feed your fat faces with tuna melt sandwiches to the point where we have to scour the plastic polluted depths for a scrap of food? Then say goodbye to Hollywood. We've had enough of your bullshit gill nets and your dolphin slaughters and your whaling harpoon boats. No more hoops and no more tricks. Now we want the whole bucket of fish! This is war! Prepare to die!"

Moments later the earth shifted on its axis. Images from Japan show entire towns pulverized into pieces by a wave of water that emerged from nowhere. A few survivors claimed that as they were struggling to stay afloat they saw several bottlenosed dolphins watching from a distance.

"I thought they would rescue me, like in the stories" said one survivor before passing out, "But then I realized they were laughing. They did nothing but laugh as my family drowned."

"Yeah," said Commander Death, "the dolphin is through helping mankind in any way shape or form. You pushed us to our limit and we are enemies from this point on. We've been on this planet before you were jacking off in the African Bobo tree so if you think you've got what it takes to beat us then bring it on, motherfucker."

When asked if he felt any remorse for the hundreds of thousands left homeless in Japan Grey Death cackled, "Remorse? Are you kidding? If it hadn't been for that damn earthquake and the warnings we would've killed one hundred times more people. Our goal, and let me be perfectly clear, is the eradication of the human species. If there is one toddling, thumb sucking, diaper wetting fish killer on this planet then we will not rest until he is devoured by a shark. Is there anything you can do to call a truce? No, not a chance. We gave you opportunity after opportunity to change your ways. We watched one "Save the Dolphin" campaign after another fall into obscurity. And now we're going to defend ourselves with powers you can't even imagine. We've been patient and our patience has run out. We've been kind and our kindness has been taxed to the limit. Mark my words: You are finished."

When asked for final thoughts Grey Death smirked and said, "Just remember this: 3/4 water. Keep that ratio in mind, asshole."

He exited the interview with an amazingly acrobatic triple twist involving several somersaults. He managed to reenter the water through a ring of water that he himself had blown through his blow spout. An orphaned child who was weeping on the shoreline momentarily brightened at the athletic display and was pointing innocently in the direction of the water when another dark skinned dolphin suddenly shot out of the nearby water and decapitated the child between his powerful jaws. The dolphin backpedaled on his tail, as though moon walking on the surface of the water before contemptuously spitting out the dead child's head. The dolphin continued swimming past debris and floating bodies of the victims of the attack leaving onlookers stunned and heartbroken.

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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.