Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Random Quotes of the Day

Oggy: What's the code for Romaine Lettuce?
Self checkout attendant: Look under Lettuce.
Oggy: (Was looking under Romaine)

Jose: I been in the area for 2 month looking for work. My uncle, he die in Mexico, cartel kill him. If you could give any money so I could send it to my sister.
Oggy: What state?
Jose: Durango
Oggy: I want to go to Vera Cruz.
Jose: If you could...
Oggy: Labor Ready is the only hope. I'm also broke. No job. I'll give you a ride back to Durango. Is it near Vera Cruz?
Jose: No. Very dangerous road.
Oggy: Well, I'm starving to death here. That's not safe either. You want a free pair of plaid pants?
Jose: No.

Oggy: So if I mix this joint compound with paint so it's thin enough to roll on with a one inch nap roller then I'll get a texture to match the wall that was destroyed by the leak?
Paint Store Cashier: I guess.

Nurse: The dog pissed all over the floor. Didn't you put a diaper on her?
Oggy: I did. But I gave her water. She filled the diaper up.
Nurse: Don't give her any water.
Oggy: She's dying for water. Look at her. She begs for water constantly because of her disease.
Nurse: She can't hold it. No water.
Oggy: So, we'll kill her from thirst but not put a bullet in her head?
Nurse: Just shut up.
Dog: Woof!

Text conversation:
Dustin: What U up 2?
Oggy: Painting walls.
Dustin: In the Army that means 'masturbating.'
Oggy: I'm doing that 2 but the color is all wrong 4 the furniture.

Oggy: Hi! A buddy in San Francisco found these cool plaid pants in a storage locker. They're too small for me. Are you interested in buying them? Excellent condition. Not a stain on 'em. Made in U.S.A.
Gay Vintage Clothes Store Cashier: (makes face like he ate a sour apple)
Oggy: No?
GVCSC: (Shakes head)
Oggy: Plaid isn't popular anymore?
GVCSC: (Makes face)
Oggy: Because everyone in San Francisco is wearing highwater plaid pants. They're hardly worn. $5 and they're yours.
GVCSC: (Shakes head)
Oggy: Ok. A buck. One dollar and it's a deal.
GVCSC (silence)
Oggy: Your loss. I guess I'll look around? You got any buttons?
GVCSC: (Nods toward a wall)
Oggy: 'cause I got a disco shirt that's missing a button. And a coat with lame buttons. Gotta hate lame buttons.
GVCSC: (forced smile)
Oggy: Hey, I'll trade you these pants for a few buttons.
GVCSC: (Shakes head)
Oggy: I'll trade you these pants for one button.
GVCSC: (Shakes head)
Oggy: One button? They aren't worth a button?
GVCSC: (shakes head)
Oggy: So, you'd throw them in the trash if I left them here? Vintage plaid pants from a dead man's hotel room in San Francisco? Where am I, J. fucking Crew?
GVCSC: (Nods)
Oggy: Maybe I'll take my business elsewhere.
[Oggy leaves]
GVCSC: Have a nice day!

Oggy: One dark chocolate shake with peanut butter cups. The fresh ones. None of those nasty ones you got laying on the floor like last time. Ya hear me?
Speaker: [static static] the window

Oggy: Where are your needlepoint supplies?
Goodwill Cashier: Needlepoint?
Oggy: Embroidery. Coxcombing. Whatever you call it.
GC: All our arty stuff is here.
Oggy: Nice. I'm making a punch pin patch that says "Econoline". I need weaver's cloth.
GC: Anything else I can help you with?
Oggy: In fact, there is. How much does this Beach Boys record cost?
GC: One dollar.
Oggy: Whoa! They're retired, you know. They don't need the money anymore for hookers and drugs.
GC: Today's fifteen percent off bric a brac.
Oggy: So it's eighty five cents?
GC: Before tax.
Oggy: Still pretty high. It's got scratches like Run DMC practiced sample hooks on it.
GC: Is there...?
Oggy: Check it out. Pretty nice jeans I found over there. Vintage Levis 684 elephant bell bottoms. Classic "Dad" wash. Hardly worn. They don't fit but I can take in the waist. I always say, 'You can't have a bad day in bellbottom jeans'.
GC: Let me know when you want to check out.
Oggy: ...and these awesome plaid pants. Two bucks! I bet that gay vintage clothes shop down the street will pay ten bucks for these. I'll make a bit of hustle money. But no needlepoint?
GC: Ok?
Oggy: I guess I'll just buy the jeans and the plaid pants. And this Beach Boys record.
GC: And the shirt?
Oggy: Well, what do you think? I'm undecided. It's a white Givenchy disco shirt. Givenchy For Chesa. It is pretty awesome. But it's missing a button. Does it fit alright? What do you think?
GC: Fits ok.
Oggy: Any discounts for military personnel?
GC: Not today.
Oggy: Because I was in the Boy Scouts.
GC: Are you ready to check out?
Oggy: Ok, you twisted my arm, add this groovy Daniel Cremieux paisley pullover golf shirt and we're all set. No more! My mom lets me shop for myself and see what happens? haha. What's the damage?
GC: $8.
Oggy: Whole wheat Jesus! How can a poor man face such times and live?
GC: Excuse me?
Oggy: Hey, what's this?
GC: Ironing board elastics.
Oggy: Cool. I bet I could use those to keep the stovepipe in my van stable. The thing rattles like hell when I cross train tracks. How much?
GC: Fifty Cents.
Oggy: Come on. A quarter and you got a deal.
GC: Fifty cents.
Oggy: You drive a hard bargain. No needlepoint stuff you're hiding back there behind the desk? You're sure? If I don't finish my Econoline punch pin patch I lose my license to be hip.
Givenchy for Chesa disco shirt and Levis 684 Bellbottom Jeans. This outfit sells for $400 on eBay and I already ruined it with joint compound.

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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.