Sunday, June 2, 2013

Less Me?

Someone's Marketing Degree Tuition Money Was Wasted

I didn't see this slogan before I bought the peanutbutter cheerios. Otherwise I would not have purchased it because I don't like supporting bad marketing. Am I the only one who doesn't buy a product if the word "Just" is used on the packaging? "Just add water!" "Ready in Just 5 minutes"
MOTHERFUCKERS THAT WORD IS NOT THE RIGHT ONE TO USE. Use "Simply" or "Merely" OR LEAVE THAT ADVERB OUT COMPLETELY. Right? "JUST LEAVE THAT ADVERB OUT." Why add JUST? Leave it out. Don't flim flam me with bad English to make me think something is easy. I'D LIKE TO TEAR YOUR HEART OUT! Ad copy like that has me taking shit out of my basket and leaving it on the floor of the store. It really disgusts me. If I get it home by accident I throw the package away. Sometimes I burn it in my van's wood stove. I resent it for weeks.


"More Grains. Less You."

That's a shitty slogan. It's suggesting that grains will help us fat fucking chicken finger eating and pizza pie devouring Americans with 42 inch waist and 32 inch legs like pillsbury Doughboy is our role model are fat. Well, we are. The second fattest folks are in Dubai where Nepalese and Pakky laborers are trucked in to do the heavy lifting for the wealthy cunts in white robes who suck oil subsidies down their gullet. The fattest are Samoans who have a good excuse because there are only a few of them left and they have land that the Japanese want so they have to appear menacing. Americans have no excuse except lazy advertising and criminally unhealthy food.

Hey, General Mills, You actually went to the trouble of copywriting this shitty slogan? Are you joking? It sucks. No one would ever steal it. Fire your marketing department.

This slogan doesn't work for me because it's making an ethical and moral statement about who I am. I=My body. That's bullshit. My love handles and floppy testicles are not me. My bad knees are not me. My spinal arthritis is not me. MY FUCKING SOUL CAN NOT BE DIMINISHED BY EATING MORE GRAINS. This decrepit body of mine is separate from my totality. It is part of me but not me. If I weigh less, there is less fat...but not less me. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SUGGESTING ABOUT ME IF THIS IS A GOAL OF MINE? I don't want to be less. I want to be better and more wholesome, loved, respected and admired. I'll be bald and fat and broken one day but my soul will hopefully be in better shape. This slogan on a box of shitty sugar cereal smacks is bullshit. Now I regret buying the cherrois. I'm not cheery. I'm pissed.


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Oggy Bleacher said...

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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.