Wednesday, July 17, 2013

What am I missing?

Isn't this supposed to be plural?

Years ago, against my better judgement and in a spasm of desperation and sadness I got wretchedly drunk on scorpion bowl poison, my liver fell out in the bathroom and I stuffed it back in, and it seems like the very next day I was climbing this mountain called Chocorua* wearing bell bottom jeans and a polyester shirt. I thought my heart was going to crack a rib with the thumping of a dying man. No heart defibrilators or nothing nearby. See that peak? I almost died getting there.



Oh yeah, now I ever remember being so delirious and soul sick that I was talking about living in the parking lot of Walmart and the police came and banged on my window because the smoke from my wood stove was crossing Route 1 and I put some clothes on...and since that was my underoo era I decided I had to hide my underoos because it looked as bad as accidentally finding Dora the Explorer panties for 5 year old girls in my laundry at the laundrymat and having no idea where they came from but knowing exactly why the man next to me was scowling at me. (truth, happened on Sunday). And I was telling the story and said, "SO I PUT THE UNDEROOS UNDER...." and I thought no one could hear me because my heart was palpitating like Ringo Starr's drum solo so I really yelled, laughing, because I knew it would be funny...

"SO I PUT THE UNDEROOS UNDER MY MOPED COVER SINCE I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO THE POLICE WHY I WAS BEATING OFF IN A WALMART PARKING LOT WITH TEENAGE BOY'S UNDEROOS!"

And this was in the still silence of Chocorua where words echoed off the granite walls with fierce indifference and suddenly I notice that we were not alone and in fact three women were hiking in front of us and heard every word and suddenly they started to fly like the ghost of Nathaniel Hawthorn up the mountain. AH FUCK! And I really wanted to die and no one was laughing and I'd ruined everything and smelled like Rum and vomit and old man sweat. My Underoos were filthy with man fluid and they ill fit so badly that my dangling junk slapped the polyester bell bottom fabric with every step.

But my point on this NH quarter would be that when I was in the laundrymat the other day holding the Dora the Explorer youth panties and trying to hide the fact that I'd found them in my clothes I'd just pulled from the dryer but not daring to ask anyone if they had lost them...and I found a quarter that said, "White Mountain" And I wondered what the hell mountain that was or did they mean "The White Mountains"?? because there is no White Mountain.
There is no tasteful way to post this picture so I'm not going to pretend


Wait, I just realized that this is total poetic justice that I would end up with Dora the explorer underroos in my clothes....that included my Spiderman underroos.

*Chocorua is an Indian word for "Fool with wagging tongue"
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.