Friday, August 16, 2013

SICKENING NEWS OUTLET REPULSES DYING PSUEDO-CELEBRITY

I felt self abusive today and since I drank all my hemlock recently I had to go to Fox News (also known as Serial Killer News) to flagellate myself. I usually browse until something makes me slap my head...it takes about 2 minutes.

The head-slapper today came after a minute of painful grimacing, like I was passing a Kevin Smith limited edition Mallrats Blue-Ray DVD out my asshole. But first, a review...
The general presentation of Fox News makes CNN look like Frank Lloyd Wright designed it. I'm deeply troubled by the popularity of such total trash. It is offensive to taste and decency. Still, I plunged on through puerile and tasteless gossip tales (one hesitates to call them news stories), alligators eating celebrity babies, dead celebrities, dying celebrities, feuding celebrities, sex changes, dirty laundry...I laughed when I read the headline "NO END TO CARNAGE IN EGYPT" It was funny because it's exactly the headline that Citizen Kane would've penned for what he considered the dumbest people on the planet: the readers of his paper.
No News, Only Static

Citizen Murdoch, you are a complete cunt. 

The title of this post is my attempt to be as dumb as them but I couldn't do it. I fucked up because my title is good. But the font, the blocking, the entire ghastly layout of Fox News is sorrowful and tragic. My blog, this blog, written by someone who can barely turn on a computer, is easier to navigate.
Anyway, don't ask me why I was on the page that broke my spirit (half-naked women) but I read a bit of trash that looked like it was written by a teen girl who was drunk and being beaten by an Insane Clown Posse Juggalo at the time she wrote it. It was semi-coherent, littered with catch phrases and quasi-English attempts to be witty...but failed to mask the author's depth-less idiocy. Let me translate it:

Welcome to Break Time, 
Translation: You unproductive, overpaid fuckwad can't even spend ten minutes doing real work. Let me titillate your base instincts while you milk the clock.

our list of the webby things out there that will brighten your day. 
Translation: Prepare yourself for a conservative skillet up side your fucking head. We deserve to be shot for using the infant-like word 'Webby'.

Here’s our list of today’s can’t-miss online stories:
Translation: I used the word "our" but it's really only me and I am lonely and self-loathing. P.S. you can miss all of these stories.

 Rawr! Carmen Electra is still a babe at 41.
Translation: I've never heard a real lion roar except at the beginning of MGM movies, but that's how I think it is spelled. Here is a single plagiarized self portrait photo of a skinny celebrity who has fake tits. (My mother would kill herself if she knew this is how I pay my bills.)


It’s like the audio version of a Hallmark card.  John Mayer and Katy Perry record a super sweet duet together.
Translation: Talentless celebrities singing. We're too dumb to know that, in fact, audio Hallmark cards already exist...so that would make this an emotionless and commercial knockoff starring two fuckwads with good makeup. Cover your ears and eyes.

Bride has 80 bridesmaids. Who even has 80 friends?
Translation: Utterly and completely irrelevant. Like mailing me your used Kotex tampon and asking my opinion.

 One woman with 19 voices. Sybil who sings.
Translation: Because John Mayer and Katy Perry's dual voices let you down. But don't be sad....IT'S TIME TO CLOCK OUT AND GET DRUNK...

So, if that bit of grade school gossip wasn't enough to make me slap my fucking Fred Flintstone I accidentally read the byline of the trollop who wrote it...and I nearly bashed my nose through my neck... >  

Diana Falzone is a FoxNews.com contributor and the advice columnist for My Wingman Diana on Military.com. Her work has been published in the textbook "Sexuality Education," distributed in universities across North America. You can follow her on Twitter @dianafalzone.

Translation: This woman could not write a coherent strategy to masturbate but her generic "Webby" attractions column qualifies her TO TEACH SEXUALITY TO UNIVERSITY STUDENTS ACROSS THE COUNTRY. HAHAHAHA. THEY CALL IT A TEXTBOOK? So quaint.

As bad as I thought Fox News is, it is actually much worse. We're fucked.
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.