Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Oggy's Top 10 Comebacks to Law Enforcement

1) Law: Is this your vehicle?
Oggy: A couple more payments and she's all mine.

2) Law: Do you know how fast you were going?
Oggy: If I had a nickle for every time I heard that....

3) Law: Are you an American Citizen?
Oggy: Is this a multiple choice question? 'D'! It's always 'D'

4) Law: So, what are you doing out here in a parking lot at midnight?
Oggy: Is it midnight already? Fuck! Time flies when you're weighing cocaine.

5) Law: Do you have any drugs on you?
Oggy: (whispering) Dude, keep your voice down, there's a cop right over there.

6) Law: Do you have any guns, knives or other weapons on you?
Oggy: (worried) Will I need them in Labrador? I can go back and get some.

7) Law: Step out of your vehicle.
Oggy: Is it too late to compliment your eyes?

8) Law: How long were you in Mexico?
Oggy: Long enough to have my heart turned into bloody red salsa and served on a tostada!

9) Law: Do you own this moped?
Oggy: Not if it's going to get me into trouble.

10) Law: (Gun Drawn) What are you doing out here?
Oggy: I built a hut from sticks and trash so I could keep the rain off me when I sleep. What's your excuse?

11) Law: Why were you driving so fast?
Oggy: Because you were tailgating me with those damn blue strobe lights on and I thought to myself, "I have to get away from this lunatic."

1) Utah 2009
2) California 1996
3) Texas 2013
4)New Hampshire 2010
5)Texas 2012
6)Quebec 2009
7) New Hampshire 2009
8) California 2009
9) Texas 2012
10) Santa Cruz 1993
11) I made this one up.

Bonus: At a Maine/New Brunswick border crossing in early December I was making my second attempt to drive to Labrador. It was freezing but I had a wood stove burning dry birch to keep me warm. Cortez had his obstacles to face and so did Oggy. So I drove hour after hour at about 35 mph over roads blackened by ice so that sometimes I wasn't rolling but sliding toward my destination. The Canadian border official asked, "How long do you intend to stay in Labrador?"
My comeback was, "Actually, I'm going to Ellesmere Island, home of the Arctic Wolf as it's an animal species driven to extinction in 50 years, so I was sent back in time to raise awareness and alter history."
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.