Sunday, December 15, 2013

Report: Sad Man Buys Stocking Stuffer Candy To Eat on Hydro-Fracturing Project

Packaged candy intended for a child's Christmas stocking was recently purchased by Oggy Bleacher to munch on in the freezing cold and driving rain as he wrenches his back muscles installing 4'' rigid conduit. The brightly colored candy, on sale because of the impending holiday, was purchased by Mr. Bleacher without a trace of holiday spirit, only trying to find something affordable to keep his energy up for the 10 hours of manual labor in the sleet and hail.
"I don't give a fuck about Christmas," said Mr. Bleacher as he kicked the mud off his boots and winced from the stabbing pain in his neck, shoulders and back.
"And you can get the fuck out of my face before I punch you in the mouth," added the childless Bleacher.
Mr. Bleacher coughed some phlegm from his congested lungs and spit near the puddles of urine he had just produced to ease his throbbing prostate. With one hand on his infertile, withered cock he fed tasteless morsels of chocolate and caramel into his pale and Grinch-like mouth with the other.
"A couple more days of this and I will die in the mud like a damn confederate soldier, that would make you laugh wouldn't it? You'd just love to see me suffer, huh?" said Bleacher, as he dropped some Holiday themed chocolate onto the mud and his drooped and bleary eyes never blinked from the distant horizon.

"I'm sick...and broken...eating Christmas candy...pissing in the mud...for what?" asked the lonely and loveless Bleacher, devoid of all holiday cheer.
While other workers talked of what presents they were getting for their children, Oggy Bleacher remained quiet, thinking only of the empty material goods he would buy as an attempt to replace his non-existent family.
His boss then yelled at him to "stop jerking off" and Oggy nodded, defeated, and threw what remained of the festively packaged candy into his bitter, frowning mouth.
"We can re-inject poisoned frac water into the earth, millions of gallons of pollution, but the fucking company has a policy against litter." said Bleacher, ruefully, as he put the Santa Claus and Reindeer decorated candy wrapper into a trash bag.
"Mama's in the cold, cold ground." he added before tripping on a pile of steel pipe.

Sources confirmed that this was the second all-time low of Christmas spirit for Oggy Bleacher, only surpassed by the year he contracted a lung infection and was assembling Christmas bicycles as "Santa's Nigger" in Target stores across Los Angeles...and then got locked inside a Walmart on Christmas Eve with nothing but the awful generic Christmas music and his hacking cough to keep him company until the police showed up to set him free.
Creative Commons License
Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.