Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Alligator Coin Purse

Step 1) Use a can of Salmon (tonight's dinner) to make circles on paper. Overlap paper on faux alligator leather that swap meet seller claimed was real. Your response to swap meet seller was, "Real alligators don't have two hornbacks."

Step 2) Trace circles on back side of obviously fake alligator leather. Overlap circles so there is a flat spot for the coins. Cut out.

Step 3) Decide to line the purse in heavenly white goat leather. Why not?

Step 4) Glue goat leather to flesh side of faux alligator. Take a nap, you work too hard.

Step 5) Punch some holes in the edge. Pick an edge lace to attempt and then use cheap Walmart leather cord and a lacing needle to finish the item.

Step 6) Install a glove snap. Hammer the edges of the lace down.

Step 7) Fumble for the correct change in a totally unique way at Walmart. Remember, you are trying to give exact change or else change that will result in an even number. If the bill is $11.67 and you pay $15.17 then you get $3.50 back, so 2 quarters. But if you simply pay with $15 then you get 3.33, which will be 3 dollars, 3 dimes and 3 pennies or 6 coins to weigh you down. The simplest way to explain it is in an equation: $.TO - X = .00/.25/.50/.75.  See? $.TO is the total change such as $5.37. .37 is the change. So, what number, subtracted from 37 will equal 25? The answer is 12. If you give $6.12 then you will get back .75, 3 quarters. If you only give $6 then you will get back 63 cents, 2 quarters, one dime and 3 pennies. So, always aim for a quarter dollar denomination and you will always get back quarters. If the TO is .87 then you must give either 12 cents to reach .75 or 37 cents to reach .50 or 62 cents to reach .25 or .87 to reach .00. See? Simple.The final option is to pay to the nearest dime. For instance a total of $1.92 means $2 is pretty close. But do you want a nickle and 3 pennies in change? No? Then give the cashier two pennies and you'll get a dime back. Then you will have 1 dime instead of a nickle and 5 pennies. eventually the penny will be phased out but until it is you can use your change pocket to get less change back.
This is why your pocket is full of change and Oggy has a neat, light, faux alligator coin purse that he whips out and counts exactly the right change or else overpays to an amount that gets him fewer coins. Will customers behind you roll their eyes? You bet they will. Will they know the difference between faux alligator leather and authentic alligator leather? No, probably not, so when they ask, you tell them it's real alligator. As a final tip, simply say, "Keep the Change" especially at thrift stores that benefit poor people and price their clothes to sell.

Creative Commons License
Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.