Independent and Unscientific Oil Spill Analysis

According to one EPA source, 16 million gallons of oil leaks into the ocean from car crashes and leaking oil pans or guys just dumping waste oil in the bushes.

Several estimates exist for what the Deepwater Horizon spill is putting into the ocean. BP seems to think around 5 gallons a day are leaking while some scientists are thinking around 2 million gallons a day.

So, let's try to put this in perspective. There are around 260 million cars in the US. That's pretty sad since there are only 300 million people here. L.A. carries a lot of the burden with 3+ cars per person. Places like Portsmouth probably have a mere 2 cars per person and in Montana I'll bet it's only one car per person. They must like to suffer in Montana. I own a van and I also drive a car and I own a moped so I'm no saint.

So, these 260 million cars are producing 16 million gallons of oil that is lost to the rivers each year. Now, that's spread out over two oceans and the gulf of Mexico, otherwise known as the oil fondue pot. So, it takes 8 days at the Deepwater site to generate the oil normally lost in one year. And over 56 days that's basically 7 years of normal pollution. See? BP execs don't want to point these figures out because it makes them look like assholes, but that's what they're thinking.

"Americans are freaking out about spilling oil when they each own an average of three cars and drive more than anyone on the planet? Are they kidding?"

This is like the fat guy at the buffet demanding the fried chicken tray get replenished even as liquid shit pours from his ass and out his pant leg.

"Hey, Oggy, do you have to be so offensive and miserable all the time?"
"Yes, I do. And fuck you too."

The three other oil spills that are larger than the Deepwater spill are,

#1, a land based one in California that caused an inland lake of oil in 1910. In fact, this is the 100th anniversary of that spill. Happy Anniversary!
#2, Good ol Saddam Hussein (The Headless Wonder) who dumped oil reserves into the Persian Gulf as he retreated from Kuwait. That was 20 years ago and the dolphins still have not forgiven him.
#3 Ixtoc oil spill in 1979/1980 in a similar underwater leak in the Gulf of Mexico. 30 years later it looks to be eclipsed by Deepwater Horizon.

But what isn't listed is American drivers, who produce 16 million gallons of polluting oil every year. And with 600 million cars in the world we're talking about 30 million gallons of pollution every year. So, in every 4 years cars naturally produce the pollution of the Deepwater Horizon spill. In every 15 years cars become the leading cause of oil pollution to the ocean. And since the popular use of cars in the '30s cars have dwarfed all oil spills as a source of pollution.

This is the definition of irresponsible. You know, people existed before cars? I swear it is true. Look it up if you don't believe me. I've met happy people in Ecuador who never drove a car and saw no benefit to them because the cost just meant more manual labor to maintain a car they didn't need. I guess if you are a useless pencil pusher then you are thankful for your car since you would die without it. But your car is killing those folks in Ecuador so check your conscience; it's a quart low.

Anyway, one gallon of oil pollutes 1,000,000 gallons of water based on 1 quart polluting 250,000 gallons of water. So, I'm no accountant, but we've got 16 million gallons of oil (amount spilled over 8 days) multiplied by seven (or 2 times 56) multiplied by one million. Help me out, you math majors.

16,000,000(7) x 1,000,000
Man, I can tell that's going to be a ton of polluted water.

Let's see, you multiply 16 times 7 which is 112. Add the six zeros...112,000,000. That's the number of gallons of oil spilled. (This could be 250,000,000 but only God knows the real number)
Then add another six zeros to find the gallons of polluted water.
112,000,000,000,000.

So, it's looking like the national debt*. 112 trillion gallons of polluted water.

Now, the oceans combine for 326 million trillion gallons
326,000,000,000,000,000,000 gallons of water including the moat in that sand castle I built near Cabo San Lucas last winter.

Here's where my math skills have reached their limit. 112 trillion is not even one percent of 326 million trillion. It's .0000001%. Like spitting in the Pierce Island swimming pool.

I don't want to downplay what's happening in the Gulf. It's bad. But it was bad in 2003 when there were no leaks except for 260 million cars driving back and forth to Starbucks Coffee for their morning frappuccino.

It takes visible catastrophes like this to get people to wake up. If it wasn't for 9/11 we might think the whole world loves Britney Spears as much as we do. And our wars in the Muslim holy land could've stayed covert like they should be instead of being miserably public. My living in a van and preaching resource conservation was obviously not working. My 2009 Arctic Wolf Campaign generated exactly zero support. Did I fuck it up by attacking Hannah Montana?

Anyway, I was reading Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein and I think it's time to apply that same strategy to our relationship with cars. If Bush can mount a private war against a nation like Iraq that was widely opposed and fraudulently justified (They caused 9/11?) then why can't Obama declare a car moratorium and food rationing? Would it be unpopular? Yeah. So what? What are you going to do about it? The gas station is closed by government order. You going to drill for oil in your back yard? Buy oil on the black market? How about for every pelican that is found dead a baby human must be burned alive so I can play Street Rampage on my Xbox 360? Or someone over 70 years old is cremated to generate light for a Little League game. Yeah! Would that get Obama reelected in 2012? Someone run it by his press secretary.

It's going to take a war time consciousness to avoid a Mad Max world and that includes ration cards and mandatory car pools and victory vegetable gardens. The golden years of waste ended with cadmium laced Hannah Montana jewelry.

*National Debt is 13 trillion and climbing.

Thinking as Clear as the Gulf of Mexico

There must be a disorder to describe how I've been thinking lately.
They asked me if I wanted to work the 8am-5pm shift in July or the 7pm-3am shift. I said,
"I don't think either one of those is going to work for me, Steve."
"Well, Oggy, what do you mean?"
"You see, there's an animal called the Arctic Wolf. And I'm going to find that animal."
"Why?"
"Because what I see in the world is manufactured bullshit. I want to see one thing that is outside the realm of celebrity cellulite stories. I believe the Arctic Wolf is the last thing remaining that fits that description."
"So..."
"So, I'll be taking my leave of this place soon."
"Made enough money to travel?"
"No, Steve, I didn't save more than what I've got in my pocket, but I can't let that stop me. I'll find a way if I have to walk there."
"I envy you."
"Who wouldn't?"

It's lunacy. But I was treated to twenty minutes of apocalyptic news this morning and if that's what sanity brings then I'll stick with lunacy. At least it is my lunacy.

Not as bad as the Gulf, but...

The apartment is starting to look like my old house in Venice, complete with greasy pans, ants, soupy bananas, dirty clothes, and broken dreams.

SMART CAR FOR A SMART DRIVER

I'm going to put on my marketing hat on now and bombard you with opportunities to buy things. Is there some irony in riding a 1974 Vespa Ciao moped and writing ads for 2002 Mercedes-Benz convertibles? I'm saving up to buy a 1975 moped. Each ad earns me $1 and moves me one seat further away from Thoreau at the great vegetarian buffet table in the sky.


SMART CAR FOR A SMART DRIVER. Push button customized settings put you in control of this Certified Pre-Owned Mercedes-Benz SL 500. The retractable hard top converts this classy black/gray sedan into a sporty ride. Navigation system guarantees you arrive on time and the luxurious black leather interior puts you in the seat of style. Musically equipped with 8 speakers, a remote 6 cd changer and an in-dash single cd player. Contact XYZ Used Cars today!


COWBOY UP! Stand out in a crowd with this brilliant blue and tan BMW 325Ci convertible. Memorized seat and mirror settings for 3 drivers plus a navigation system. Rich with features such as rearview camera and privacy glass. Contrasting beige interior puts you in the lap of luxury. Advanced stability control and driveline traction control make this a classy car from top to bottom. Call or email Dallas Used Cars for a test drive.

SUNSHINE ON WHEELS. This sleek whistler silver metallic Mercedes-Benz C320 sedan will never leave you out in the heat. Safety and comfort come first with air conditioning to keep you cool on those humid summer afternoons and safety air bags all around the peaceful gray interior. Navigation system, moon roof, cruise control and other features make this a practical and dynamic choice. Contact Florida Used Cars for a test drive.

Confederacy of Dunces Screenplay

The following is an excerpt of a screenplay based on John Kennedy Toole's book. Contact Oggy Bleacher for option terms on the entire screenplay.


Fade in

INT. IGNATIUS’S INTESTINES:
We travel through the cramped and bloated intestinal tract of Ignatius J. Reilly, passing a half digested cream puff, a lump of chewing gum, a scrap of paper that says, “Jonathan Swift”, a puddle of syrupy fluid and some chunks of hot dog until we freeze at a complicated system of flaps labeled “Pyloric Valve”. The flaps trembles violently like a lid on a pot of boiling water before it slams closed with a bang. Gas and substance begin to back up behind the closed valve and we quickly rise through Ignatius’s intestines and esophagus and exit his cavity ravaged mouth as a monstrous belch.
EXT. CANAL STREET NEW ORLEANS - DAY
Ignatius is a 30 year old rolling bundle of fat, dressed head to toe in a fantastic array of functional but unfashionable clothes. He has a broad hunting cap with the ear flaps splayed out in either direction. His neck is wrapped in a long tweed scarf. His billowing corduroy pants are patched at the knees with curtain fabric. He wipes his mustache with a filthy handkerchief.

IGNATIUS
Mother, if you mention perogies once more, I shall faint.
MRS. REILLY
Aw, babe.
IGNATIUS
They are an abomination.
MRS. REILLY
Go on, Ignatius. How ‘bout one o’ them fine po’ boy sandies?
IGNATIUS
Oh, my God! Did I just hear you say Po Boy? Have we been transported to the story line of an insipid Mark Twain novella?
MRS. REILLY
Naw, baby, we still in N’awlins.
IGNATIUS
The mere fetid stench rising from the gutter would have reminded me of our regrettable location.
MRS. REILLY
That’s shrimp, ‘Natius. How ‘bout a mess of shrimp for lunch? I can fix it up boiled or however you like.
IGNATIUS
Mother, do I look like I’m in a condition to eat? My innards are in violent revolt as we speak. Those cream puffs were past their prime. You should demand an immediate refund.
MRS. REILLY
Boy, you done ate the whole box. I gonna return an empty box?
IGNATIUS
A minor detail in a legal case. That bakery should be sued for misrepresentation. The pastry was overcooked and there was a mere hint of cream filling. I demand justice!
MRS. REILLY
How ‘bout some Jambalaya?
IGNATIUS
My saliva glands are preparing my mouth for an onslaught of projectile vomit.
MRS. REILLY
What’s that, baby? That a yes or no?
IGNATIUS
A definitive no.

Mrs. Reilly examines Ignatius’s hat. She reaches out to take it and he bats her hand away.

MRS. REILLY
Why you gotta wear that hat? Ain’t you hot?
IGNATIUS
If you wish to discuss something as culturally decadent as fashion I suggest you visit the local hair salon or seamstress. Tasteless chatter is their native tongue.
MRS. REILLY
And that scarf!
IGNATIUS
Would you prefer I die of exposure?
MRS. REILLY
Exposure to what? The sun?
IGNATIUS
The scarf would be unnecessary if a scoundrel had not stolen my lumberjack coat. Its high collar was more than enough to protect me from disease and premature death.
MRS. REILLY
It’s a shame ‘bout that coat.
IGNATIUS
A thorough investigation by the authorities would bring my coat back to me but it’s disappearance is apparently not worthy of their time.
MRS. REILLY
I know it.
IGNATIUS
It just goes to show you that when one leaves the safety of one’s comfort zone he will be attacked on all sides by vipers and wastrels. I must devote some time to an essay on this subject.
MRS. REILLY
That’s a nice, smart boy. You would’a made your poppa proud.

The pair amble down the sidewalk.